He’s such a nice guy; everyone loves him. He’s got a great job, he calls you every time he says he will, your friends think he’s great, he’s cute, funny, and you have a great time together. He’s perfect, except for one thing…. you’re just not feeling it. How can that be? What’s missing? Well, sometimes a guy can be Mr. Right on paper but when it comes down to it, something’s missing and you just can’t put your finger on it. Just keep in mind that every day you spend with the wrong guy is another day gone by when you aren’t available to the right guy. Here are some red flags you might want to pay attention to help you figure out just how into him you really are.

1. You think to yourself, if he just played a little hard to get or was just not as nice. If you want him to rework his personality in order to make him more attractive then you may not be that into him.

2. It doesn’t bother you when he doesn’t call and when he does you are in no rush to call him back. You find yourself not really thinking of him or missing him at all when you aren’t together. When you’re first dating a guy you are really into you think about him all of the time and your heart skips a beat every time he calls. You want to call him back right away even if you’re head tells you to play a little hard to get.

3. When you kiss him the sparks are somewhat lacking or you may even be distracted by what isn’t quite right with the kiss. You might think “Well no kiss is perfect” but remember when the chemistry is right, even though we all appreciate a good technique, it’s not necessarily the technique that makes your tummy tingle it’s the right guy that releases the butterflies.

4. You don’t talk about him to your friends. We don’t expect you to monopolize the conversation with your friends talking about your boyfriend, because girls do have other things to talk about, but you really don’t talk about him at all. It may feel like you don’t really have anything to say about him, hmmmm…

5. You find yourself telling him that you really aren’t looking for a serious relationship and you want things to be casual. You say you don’t mind if he dates other girls, and you mean it. Usually if you are really into a guy you don’t want him to date other girls, not only because we are competitive but also because we want a guy we really are into to be all ours and no one else’s. If you don’t really mind sharing him, then you probably aren’t that into him.

Please share with our readers other signs that you notice about yourself when you just aren’t into a guy!

You are on cloud 9!  You have met someone great, enjoyed several AMAZING dates, and you can tell he/she really likes you too.  The thought “this could be the one” has occurred to you.  You feel things progressing forward.  Everything is perfect, right?  Wrong!  Nagging at the back of your mind is that sensitive subject you need to bring up sooner versus later, before things get too serious.  It’s that very personal something about you that you always struggle with when is it the “right” time to share.  This might be something like you have HPV or herpes, or you have a mental illness for which you take medication and/or see a therapist.  It has occurred to me to write about this subject because several people have shared it is a struggle to broach such subjects.

For example, one individual told me he shies away from dating anyone new so he can avoid telling a potential girlfriend that he has herpes.  He maintains a less than ideal dating relationship with someone he knows isn’t really right for him because she knows he has herpes and was very accepting of him when he told her about it.  Long-term, this type of arrangement is going to leave this person feeling very dissatisfied in the relationship and it is clearly getting in the way of him of meeting someone who would potentially be a better match.  Another individual shared she keeps it a secret that she sees a therapist and takes medication.  This individual has kept this under wraps for quite some time and is in a serious, committed relationship.  She is worried about her boyfriend’s reaction and feels it is better not to tell him.  Because of this she is often in the position of lying about where she is going.  She is running the risk of her boyfriend being very upset one day when he eventually finds out somehow.  He might feel betrayed or feel she is hiding other important information from him.  In addition, she is robbing herself of the opportunity of having his support in this area of her life.

These are difficult subjects to approach in a dating relationship but overall it is better to be honest.  Honesty is the best foundation for a successful relationship.  Also, keeping something a secret gives the impression that it is something negative you are “hiding” and can make it bigger than it needs to be.  Often the fear of sharing this sensitive something is worse than actually saying it out loud.  Here are some suggestions to help you down this path.

Be sure to wait until after at least 3 or 4 dates, let the relationship develop enough so that you feel pretty confident it is going to continue.  No sense in sharing this with someone you are only marginally interested in and are probably going to stop dating anyway.

Remember that the two of you are interested in each other for a multitude of reasons.  What you are going to share does not negate any of your positive qualities and characteristics.  This is just one part of you that is important for your partner to know.  Put yourself in his/her shoes and more than likely you would want to know.

Be prepared.  Gather some facts about what it is you are going to share so you can provide accurate information and answer questions.

Don’t be melodramatic.  This is not a confession or a lecture.  Avoid using primarily negative terms and references.  Be sure to give the positives like your condition is treatable and progress you have made.  It will be very encouraging to your date to know you have been symptom free for 3 years!

Run this through with a trusted friend who already knows your situation.  Get a little feedback about how you come across so you can put your best foot forward in this conversation.

Avoid certain situations – on your way to your first romantic get-away, in a party or bar scene, after consuming a significant amount of alcohol or just before you are going to be sexually intimate.  Consider a mellow evening at home, a quiet table at a low-key restaurant or coffee house or while taking a walk.

How have you shared something sensitive or very personal with a potential girlfriend/boyfriend?  Please share your experiences!  You will be helping a lot of individuals who struggle with this situation.

Okay ladies, I think we all might need a reminder as to what guys really want in a woman. Even though we’ve talked about this stuff before for some reason we seem to forget or stop doing what works and think we know best when it comes to guys. Well we don’t because we are girls so tune in for the reshresher:

Avoid the negativity. Guys simply do not want to spend time with a woman who has a constant negative attitude and criticizes everything. Of course everyone has his or her good and bad days but if you are sporting a negative “Debbie downer-like” attitude 24/7 your guy will lose interest – regardless as to how hot you might look.

Don’t speak badly about your body or your appearance. Guys love a confident woman. Not cocky or arrogant, but confident. This pretty much goes for both sexes but all guys you talk to will tell you that a woman who is comfortable with herself and her body is a real turn on. If you are critical of yourself then it’s time to work on accepting and loving yourself. If you do that then that love can be contagious.

Skip the work or friend gossip and save that conversation for your girlfriends. Guys don’t have or want to have the attention span to listen to us babble on and on about what “Susie” did at dance class, or what “Barbara” said to her sister. They aren’t interested so skip that conversation if you want to hold your guy’s interest.

Show off your “smarts.” It’s a myth that most guys like a girl to play dumb. Guys like a girl who uses her brain confidently. You don’t need to be rocket scientist but be comfortable talking about the things you know and the response from your guy may surprise you in a very positive way.

Guys like it when a girl is self-sufficient. If you can take care of yourself financially and are independent guys will admire you for it.

Guys are attracted to your smell. Yes we said it, they like the way women smell, usually after a shower especially with fresh shampooed hair. Trust me, I’ve asked them and this is what they tell me. Although they love a pretty floral scent there’s something like the au-natural scent of a woman that turns a guy on (may go hand in hand with wearing his dress shirt and donning a baseball cap) – we’re still working on that research !

Share your thoughts guys on anything else you like in a woman!

Congratulations!  You made it through your first date AND plans have been made for date #2!  You have either done this because the first date was amazing or because the first date was so-so but you feel it is worth a second date to see if maybe you and/or your date were just nervous.  In other words, you are willing to give him/her one last chance.  It really will be the final chance because if things aren’t clicking by date #2 it’s probably best to move on.  Now you are probably thinking “how do I make sure date #2 is a success?”  You are still getting to know each other but you do know each other better than prior to date #1.  There has probably been at least one phone call and/or email since date #1.  Some aspects of date #2 are similar to date #1 and some aspects are steps forward from date #1.  We’ll break it down for you.

This is not the time for an all day or all night date.  Keep the date to a maximum of 4 hours.  You know that phrase “leave them wanting more?” well, it applies here.  Pick something low-key yet slightly more significant than date #1.  Go with dinner versus coffee or lunch and consider Friday or Saturday night versus a week night or Sunday afternoon.  This will send the message to your date that your interest is building.  If this is a “second chance” second date then opt for lunch on the weekend or a week night dinner.

Let your date know you were paying attention.  Ask him/her questions that relate to what you discussed or what your date shared on your first date.  This will demonstrate your genuine interest.  Make references to parts of the first date that were particularly enjoyable or memorable.  This will help develop a bond between you and your date as you comment on a shared experience.  Do open up a bit more compared to the first date.  Share some details of your week and perhaps share a fun, G-rated story about something that happened on a vacation or more historical, like when you were in high school or college.

Sometimes first dates can be strained due to nerves so if that was the case and the second date is going well, be sure to comment on how much you are enjoying yourself.  During these strained moments funny and/or embarrassing things can happen.  Perhaps use a bit of humor and let your date know you are confident enough to laugh at yourself.  Maybe on the first date you tripped over your own feet or spilled a drink.  Hey, that’s life!  Make a joke and show you can be a good sport versus moan and whine about it dwelling on how you always screw things up.

Steer away from topics such as religion, politics, past relationships, sex and the fact you have decided to see a therapist.  Remember, this is a SECOND DATE.  This is NOT a relationship.  This is much too early to get into these sensitive subjects.  Keep conversation light and upbeat.  Perhaps on the first date your date mentioned she had plans with her best friend for the coming week.  This would be a great time to ask her if she had a good time and how she and her best friend spent the evening.  Her response will give you some insight into her friendships and help you get to know her better.  And again, it shows you were paying attention on date #1.

Be cautious with physical contact.  Greeting your date with a hug and perhaps a kiss on the cheek is appropriate.  If handholding feels comfortable and develops during the date then go with it.  At the end of the date again a hug and kiss on the cheek is best.  If you and your date are really hitting it off and a kiss on the lips feels right then go with it.  You will know.  Verbal compliments have been given, there has been handholding during the date, you and your date are sitting/standing/walking in close proximity and at various times you and your date have made contact like a touch to the arm or back.  Have fun, this sounds like you could very well be headed to date #3 and beyond!

How have you handled date #2?  Please post your comments!

That green eyed monster of jealousy, as it’s lovingly called, can make or break a relationship if it becomes a problem and turns into controlling behavior.  If you have ever been jealous in a relationship, which we know everyone has, it makes you feel scared, insecure, and can feel like things are completely out of your control.  Sometimes your mind may run away with you as this little monster starts chattering away and telling you all of the worst things about what “your partner might be doing” and “with whom” he or she might be doing it. 

Here’s the newsflash, if you are the one feeling jealous, it is about you. Even if you feel like your mate is making you jealous, that may be kind of true in so far as a certain behavior that he or she does pushes your jealousy buttons.  But nobody can make anybody feel anything and your thoughts and feelings are your own, based on your own perception of your environment.  Jealousy is what can arise when a perceived rival is infringing on your relationship and potentially threatening what is yours. Now we’re not saying that you’re wrong in having those feelings or thoughts we are just saying that they are yours like it or not.  And given that they are yours you have the choice to act on them or not act on them. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is “doing something” that triggers you to think that he or she is not being honest then that is a sign to examine your own feelings and either resolve them with yourself or with your partner.  Jealousy in itself causes a great deal of inner turmoil and stems from insecurity so it can be a really useful feeling because it can tell you to work on your own sense of self.  If turned outward it can destroy a relationship so use it wisely and focus inward.

So what can you do about it? What do you do if you are the one feeling suspicious? What can you do if you are with a partner whose jealousy is on the road to destroying your relationship?

For starters take time and effort to nurture your relationship.

Decide whether or not you are going to act on any suspicions you are having. Don’t allow your thoughts to run away with you and go down the “what if…..” road.  Think calmly about what do and don’t know for a fact and then determine what you do want to say and how you want to say it.

When talking to your partner avoid accusatory statements like “You are doing…” or, “You are thinking…”  People don’t respond well at all when they are told what they are thinking or doing.  Instead start with a statement about how you feel when your partner says or does a particular behavior or how you feel or think about what is going on in your relationship.

Be specific when it comes to behaviors and avoid talking in general terms. Back your words up with specific instances so they can be addressed and your partner knows exactly what you mean.

Do women often describe you as a “really nice guy” or a great “guy friend?”  Are the women who you find attractive often dating your friends?  Do women confide in you about their problems with other men they are dating? Have you found out that your sexual orientation was called into question by a woman you went out with and you are 100% straight?!  Listen, it’s great to be a person of integrity and to have the qualities of a solid friend but I’m guessing you don’t want to be celibate or stay single forever.  Dude, you have to make a move!

When you meet a woman for the first time, it is important to get the message across that you are boyfriend or at least date material.  First impressions are important.  You’ve got to find the balance here so you don’t come across as too safe (puts you in the friend category) or too aggressive (might be seen as sleazy or desperate).  Compliment her about something specific like her smile or her eyes.  Avoid using descriptive words like cute, sweet, sexy and great.  Go with beautiful, captivating or mesmerizing. 

Be sure to initiate some fun conversation with her.  Use some humor and a little sarcasm to create a special connection with her.  Joke with her, tease her a little, and make playful innuendos.  This type of banter takes you out of the flat, boring, formal interactions that you would have with a coworker or an acquaintance.  When you have your first phone call with her you can continue building this rapport.

Don’t whine or complain about past relationships or dates.  If you treat this woman like your mom or your therapist she is not going to view you as a potential date.  In addition, don’t become the guy she starts sharing guy problems with.  If she initiates this kind of topic, subtly yet quickly suggest a new topic or say something like “that’s sounds like it was a tough situation, I’m sure one of your girlfriends will have some great advice for you.”  If you aren’t careful you will end up in the friend zone for sure!

Let her know you have a life.  If she asks “what are you up to tomorrow?” be sure to have some plans to reference and then if you are interested in her, ask her for a date for a different day/time.  Women like men who are assertive and who are socially confident. 

You don’t always need to agree – don’t walk on eggshells, respectfully state your opinion even if it is different than hers.  This is a recipe for interesting conversation, not disaster and it again demonstrates confidence which is very attractive.  Always responding with “I totally agree” makes you seem like a doormat and in all honesty boring.

Keep in mind that not every woman you meet is going to be attracted to you.  Despite your best efforts you may end up getting the friend card.  It’s really okay; everyone has that experience at one time or another.  Dating is after-all a bit of a numbers game.  Dust yourself off, remember these tips and approach someone new.  More than likely your odds are better off with someone new as opposed to trying to get out of the friend zone with someone and trying to get back into the romantic zone.

Please share your experiences and comments!

Why does it always seem like I’m the one who “make’s my boyfriend into Mr. Right” for some other girl? Does it seem like you are asking yourself this question on more than one occasion? Does it seem like you are always the one in a long term relationship, going through a break-up after your guy says “I’m not ready for a commitment” only to see him a few months later getting married to someone else?  If so, you aren’t alone, believe me.  The reasons why this happens can be a little blurry but if we think about it we might discover a pattern so that we don’t feeling completely at the mercy of cupid’s wrath!

First of all, did you really want him to be “Mr. Right (for you that is) anyway?” If not then you should consider the fact that if you weren’t wanting something permanent then what were you getting out of the relationship?  If you were the one that ended it then the point is moot but what if you weren’t the one to end it?  If you were in it for a good time and not a long time then maybe this was the message you gave without realizing it and that’s why it eventually ended, because it was bound to anyway. Sometimes the messages we send in relationships are unconscious and what we want or even fear comes out in our actions.  For example, if we are fearful of a commitment based upon relationship history or other “baggage” you may be distant in your current relationship.  If you are overly afraid of abandonment, again probably due to history, that too can come out in your present relationship as clingy, possessive, etc. and that too can push your partner away.

If you did want it to last maybe the two of you just weren’t a good match.  That doesn’t mean you weren’t a good match for the short-term it just means that it wasn’t meant to be forever.  Not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime, even the good ones.  If only bad relationships ended in break-ups then quite honestly there would never be a term like “first love” or “the loves of my life” or “summer romance” etc.  

Maybe you were “too good at being a good girlfriend.”  Allow me to explain: you say you aren’t going to change him, but try you do!  You decide that he needs a different wardrobe so you ever so-slowly buy him new clothes or take him shopping.  You then teach him the art of chivalry, talking about his feelings, validating yours etc. and even as he protests your help you subtly work your magic.  Well, your magic can work too well, and magically sends him walking – walking into the waiting arms of some other well-deserving bride-to-be.  Congratulations you just made your boyfriend into a wonderful husband for someone else, and where’s your thank-you card?

Whatever the reason for the pattern it still can sting when you get that call from either your ex or one of your well-wishing friends, or even an update on Facebook that says “I’m getting married!” First of all, as an aside, you should always “de-friend” your ex to prevent updates that you aren’t prepared for from happening, and being friends with your ex can be risky anyway.  But once the bell is rung it can’t be un-rung so suck it up sister and think to yourself, “Maybe there is another wonderful woman out there right now preparing her boyfriend to be my Mr. Right! (we love good karma!)

There is that attractive guy at work, in your class or at the gym and you are trying to figure out how to let him know you are interested without being completely obvious, but direct enough so you don’t get put in the “friend” category.  This can be a little tricky!  This is someone you are going to see again so you want to avoid potential embarrassment.  You have already said hello, made eye contact, smiled and maybe chatted a few times.  You want to flirt enough so he sees you are interested in being more than friends but not so much so he thinks you just want to “hook up.”  Yes, there is some risk involved here, but remember, nothing ventured nothing gained.  Here are some tips to get your message across subtly, but not too subtly.

The direct approach – this is not for the faint of heart.  The next time you see him tell him you are interested in getting to know him better and then ask him out for coffee or lunch.  Now that you have stopped hyperventilating, remember I did mention this is not for those of you who are shy or introverted.  This approach is for those of you who are a bit more assertive.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  He tells you he is involved with someone or he says he isn’t interested.  In either case, you move on with your head held high.  You won’t go on wondering “what if” and he feels very flattered.

Here are a couple of options that are a bit more subtle:

The damsel in distress approach – smile and say hello like you typically do with this hottie, and then ask him to meet for a one-on-one study session because you need help understanding points from the latest lecture.  Comment on his skills in the weight room and ask him to spot you while you lift some weights.  Meet up after hours over drinks to discuss the latest company changes.  Guys love to help, teach and guide you so give him an opportunity to flex his muscles literally or figuratively.  Any of these settings will give you a chance to have one-on-one conversation and perhaps flirt a bit – laugh at his jokes, touch his arm when making a point/comment and smile.

Focus on him – if you treat him like one of your girlfriends you are going to end up in the friend zone.  Do not talk about past relationships and what jerks guys are.  If you whine and cry about guy problems and your dysfunctional family and basically treat this guy like your therapist, he is not going to view you as a potential date or even remotely sexy.  You will come across as a scorned victim which is just not attractive.  Talk about what is positive in your life and ask him about himself.  Again, flirt to get your message across.  Offer a sincere compliment.  Don’t dress like a buddy, in your old sweats or like you are going to the office – dress like a girl, wear something that compliments you, wear a little perfume, etc. You get the idea.

How have you let that good-looking guy know you were interested? Please share your experiences and comments!

Okay, let’s admit it, girls and guys do want the same thing, usually that is, but for some reason we hit a wall when it comes to talking about relationships.  Case in point, “my friend” asked me “Why do guys draw a blank when you ask them “What do you think about us?”  I reply, “Usually they think it’s a set-up question and say, “Uhh, I think we’re good.” And then he changes the subject, or the TV channel, end of conversation.  So there is a difference between the way girls talk and the way guys talk. 

Guy Talk

If you are a girl and want to get through to your boyfriend about something important you need to be calm, matter of fact, and specific.  The more emotional you become the more he will shut down and tune out.  A question like “What are thinking about us and our relationship?” will confuse your guy and will not get any kind of answer you want.  Be calm and specific and brief.  For example, if you want to know whether he sees a future for the two of you then ask him specifically that and you should get a yes or no answer which is what you want.  If you get more than that then that would be a bonus. 

Don’t beat around the bush or drop hints.  If you aren’t getting to the point quickly enough not only will he lose interest but also you will also not come across as confident in yourself or your own voice.

After you the response you want, move on to a different topic.  If you do this he will be reassured that not every serious conversation will drag on and will be more likely to be open to serious conversations in the future.

Girl Talk

If you are a guy and want to talk to your girlfriend about something that’s important to you it’s okay to show emotion and express your feelings.  Girls do like it when they’re significant others talk about their feelings about them and the future so talk away!

If you’re girlfriend looks upset i.e., angry try avoid the temptation to ask, “What’s wrong?”  This is where a lot of guys get into trouble.  Usually the response you will get is “nothing” and that is probably not true.  If you push, that “nothing” will become louder and angrier.  It’s weird, we know it, but it is what we do and we are working on it! Instead of asking, “what’s wrong?” ask, “How are you feeling?”  This will allow your girlfriend to open up about what she is feeling in that moment and will also tell her that you aren’t trying to “fix” the problem but merely care about what she is experiencing at that moment.  And be careful not to assume it’s about you.  It could be a bad day at work, or problems with a friend so just open the door to let your girlfriend talk about what she is feeling at that moment. Then, don’t try to fix it and whatever you do, don’t tell her that she shouldn’t feel that way or that “everything will be okay.” Typically guys like to fix things and girls often like to process their feelings without necessarily looking for a “fix” so don’t offer a solution unless she asks for one. Just listen and validate. Say things like “I understand how that can make you feel” even if you don’t understand completely say it anyway.  This will show her that you are listening to her and sympathetic to her emotions and sometimes that alone is all a girl wants.

The goal is for both guy and girl to be able to talk and to be heard by one another in order to make the most of their relationship.

Thinking of planning a vacation?  Have you considered the possibility that a vacation could be a great way of meeting other singles and potential dates?  Well, it is!  The most important thing is your vacation – you probably don’t get to go on vacation more than once or twice a year so you want it to be great.  The focus needs to be going somewhere fabulous and having an amazing time.  Consider what type of experience you are looking for – adventure, total relaxation, exploring a new culture, etc.  Do you want to go on your own or with a friend?  Once you have determined these aspects of your vacation you can tailor it a bit so you increase the odds of meeting potential dates.  Here are some options to consider:

A Singles Vacation – there are travel groups out there where you are guaranteed to be traveling with an entire group of singles.  Be sure to confirm the age group and the percentages of men and women.  If you are a 30-year-old woman you don’t want to find yourself on a vacation with mostly 60 year old women!  These travel groups go to all different types of places, so pick one that suits your interests and personality.

A Singles Cruise – again, choose a destination that interests you and a cruise that is a proportional mix of men and women of your age group.  Cruises are great because there are tours at each port where you may find yourself in a smaller group which will make conversation easier.  There are typically lots of activities on board the ship where you can connect with other singles pretty easily.  Choose a cruise length where it is feasible to meet someone – falling in love in 2 or 3 days like on The Love Boat is just not realistic!  I recommend about a week to ten days.

Relaxation/fitness/adventure – choose a destination that caters more to singles of your age group – this should be easily found out via the internet or calling the place you would like to visit.  Make sure there are fitness classes that are a mix of men and women so there will be opportunity to meet potential dates.  You girls may be attracted to spa vacations (massage, yoga, meditation) which are more likely to be geared toward women and possibly couples so you may have better luck with something that includes hiking, zip-lining, skiing or scuba diving.  Do a spa vacation when you purely want to be solo or connect with your girlfriends.

All inclusive resort – these are great places to meet someone.  I know I’ve mentioned this already, but please, please confirm the percentages of men and women and the age group.  The reasons are given above! ;)  People are generally very relaxed at these types of destinations – lounging at the pool, playing volleyball, listening to music and chatting at the bar, etc.  There might be some planned mixers where you will have lots of opportunity to meet potential dates.

If you decide to go with a friend, be sure to choose someone who has a similar mindset as far as what this vacation is all about – experience a new destination, get away from stress, and engage in activities you enjoy, relax, have fun and possibly meet some potential dates.  Be sure you trust each other and have some agreements of how you will handle it if one or both of you meet someone – okay to hang out with the new person of interest without anyone getting their feelings hurt or feeling blown off.  The last thing you need is for your friend to label you as selfish or a jerk. 

When you arrive at your destination, get the lay of the land and start “working the room.”  Get involved in the activities and tours that sound fun and let the fun and adventure begin!  Get into your swimsuit, pick up a drink at the bar and check out the pool scene.  Check out the main lodge, see who is sipping a hot drink by the fire and jump on the ski lift for your first run of the day.  You get the idea – focus on having a great time and the rest will follow.

Please share your vacation/dating experiences and ideas!