Valentine’s Day is around the corner and if you fall into the category of someone with a significant other you are probably starting to think about getting a card and gift for your sweetie.  Well, the reality is if you are a girl you are thinking about it and wondering what your sweetie will get for you and if you are a guy this isn’t on your radar yet.  This isn’t a criticism, just an observation.  This is just the way it is.  Most guys don’t plan quite this far in advance for Valentine’s Day and let’s face it some girls have been thinking about it since right after the New Year.  You girls, and you know who you are, perhaps need to ease up a bit and not over- think this “holiday.”
That being said, Valentine’s Day can be fun day to surprise your main squeeze with a special treat and make him/her feel special.  Are you at a loss for when it comes to how to do this?  Are you unsure how big of a treat this should be based on how long you have been dating?  Again, we encourage all of you not to over-think this and focus on making it light, fun, romantic and sexy.  No need to put a lot of pressure on yourself or spend huge amounts of money.  Remember, focusing more on making your significant other feel loved and thought of is quite valuable and can be done without spending much at all.  And yes, we are going to give you some suggestions to help you out!  You can you’re your gift toward how long you have been dating and how serious the relationship is.  If this is a newer relationship you can give the micro beers and if more serious then add something or go with his favorite fragrance or a nice watch.  You don’t have to pick just one; you can combine items from this list to create the perfect Valentine’s Day surprise that fits the two of you and your relationship.  For example you might bake him some cookies since he has a sweet tooth and then add the coffee house gift card.  Or, you might get her products for a luxurious soak in the tub as well as her favorite bottle of wine. Here are our top 10 gift ideas:

A card and ……..

Some type of edible treat like chocolate dipped strawberries, a batch of favorite cookies (preferably home made), good quality chocolate, a more health conscious treat (if more appropriate) like a unique arrangement of fresh fruit, a great bottle of a favorite wine or champagne.

If you know she loves to soak in the tub bath/body product like bath salts, lotion or body scrub

If your hottie is a coffee drinker then a gift card to his/her favorite coffee house

If he/she is an avid reader a gift card to his/her favorite book store

If he is really into micro beers get him a collection of his favorite brews

His/her favorite fragrance

A gift certificate for a spa treatment or massage

A surprise weekend out of town

Jewelry or a watch that truly fits his/her personality

A framed picture of the two of you

You probably noticed that flowers are not on the list.  Guys, the girl in your life more than likely enjoys receiving flowers so consider adding flowers to whatever gift you choose.  Do your best to make this more personal by choosing flowers that you know she really likes as opposed to going with roses since that is what everyone does. 

What unique gift have you given for Valentine’s Day?  Please share your ideas while our readers still have time to shop!

Yup, another Valentine’s day is just around the corner, and you thought you were barely over your New Years’ Eve hangover didn’t you?

The point of Valentine’s day is irrelevant (thank goodness because we don’t know the original point anyway). But try not to stress over Valentine’s day or make it into something more than it is. If you are happy with your life, or at least working on it, don’t let a day that is only very significant to retailers have a significant effect on your mood or infect your head too much. The reality is that as much as we might want to get away from it, every where we look there are red hearts looming, red and pink flowers stirring up allergies around every corner, and “I love you” phrases on every card, display, etc. So if we can’t beat it then we might as well join it, but on our terms, not necessarily Hallmark’s terms. Here are some ideas to make your V’day special, different, or at least bearable:

Spend time with good friends. Even if you have a significant other that doesn’t mean that you automatically have to go out alone with your partner, make reservations weeks in advance at a overpriced and set-menu restaurant. You can step out of the valentine’s box so to speak and spend the day with the people in your life that matter, not just your “one and only.”

Make the day special who may be missing out on time with their loved ones. Bake cookies for your local fire department and drop them off on Valentine’s day. It’s something nice to do for someone else and it will make you feel pretty good. And here is an added bonus : I will be even so bold to say that some of them are cute (the single one ones of course) – or maybe it’s just the “guy in the uniform thing).

Throw a Valentine’s Day party – anti-Valentine’s Day party and celebrate it your place. Decorate in full blown Valentines flair – or the opposite, and be creative. Invite people you don’t normally hang out with but still talk to and think you would like to get to know better. These “potential new friends” can be from your office or work, the local coffee house you frequent, your regular dry cleaner, your mail delivery person (provided you chat each other up each time the mail is delivered), people that you talk to at your church but don’t really have time to hang out with, etc. Phrase the invitation by saying something like “I wanted to do something different this year; and especially in this economy create something fun and inexpensive while getting to know everyone better.”

Remember the good old days when we were in elementary school and we made those funky Valentine’s Day cards with a little candy or chocolate attached for our valentine? Well this is the perfect day to recreate those Valentines packages: Make a batch of em’ with a pal of yours and go to the closest elderly home, or assisted living home, and ask to give them out to the residents. These Valentines gifts will be so special to the elderly because they too remember those “old days” since long term memory is usually maintained in old age even though short-term memory lapses. You’d be surprised by the smiles and nostalgic moments!

Create a slideshow on your computer (it’s easier than you think) with photos of your family and friends and email it to the family and friends who would appreciate it the most. A slideshow on your computer can be done within an hour or less, but looks like a professional did it. Download a song from ITunes and you have your very own special video to send to your loved ones – who will love you for it.

Please share with our readers any other creative, or not so creative, ideas you have to celebrate this holiday (that we are stuck with like it or not thanks Hallmark:)

It’s pretty natural when you are in a relationship to at some point ask yourself “am I with the right person?” or “am I in the right relationship?”  The answer to this question is quite subjective.  No one can truly answer it but you.  We have written in our blog about “deal breakers” and this is certainly a time they come into play.  Your deal breakers can help you answer the question “is he/she right for me?”  There are also some core characteristics of successful relationships that we suggest you look for in your interactions with your partner.  When you evaluate the different aspects of your relationship it is important you pay attention to your intuition and gut instincts versus telling yourself “maybe he/she will change” or allowing yourself to convince yourself that your deal breakers aren’t that important because you fear being lonely.  Keep in mind that the fear of loneliness, focusing solely on how “hot” your partner is or the fear that you won’t find someone else can cloud your judgment.  Remember that “hotness” can only do so much to sustain a relationship, flying solo for a while is actually better than being with the wrong person, and there is more than one “right” person out there for you.  Here are some factors to consider in determining if you are with the “right” person:

Mutual respect – You see your partner as someone who is worthwhile and intelligent.  You believe they contribute to the relationship and bring out the very best in you.

Fun – The two of you enjoy each other’s company whether you are traveling together, watching movies at home or engaging in other activities you both like.  In other words, are you able to have fun just because you are together?

Common values and goals – when it comes to friends, family and career you generally have similar priorities. Generally most of your core beliefs are in sync.

The two of you build each other up versus tear each other down – When you communicate it is with interest and support versus with constant criticism.  You can count on your partner to be your biggest fan and you know that he/she has your back.

Embrace your differences – There are some ways in which the two of you are different and rather than trying to get him/her to be like you or vice versa you recognize and are not threatened by your partner’s strengths even if they are different from your own.

Are these factors present in your current relationship?  If not, are you able to be honest with yourself that this may not be the right relationship for you?  Please comment and let us all know!

So you have gone on a first or second date with someone and now you are left to interpret the post-date communication.  That is, if there is any communication post-date.  Perhaps it’s been a day or two or even three days and NOTHING, you haven’t heard a thing from your date!  What does that mean?  I’m primarily talking to the girls here because this is often a female worry/predicament.  More often than not the guys are doing the asking and then initiating (or not initiating) the post-date communication.  You have been in this situation girls, right?  And guys, you have been in the position of initiating communication or not, right?  In addition, if it were only as simple as either initiating the communication or not!  Now we have multiple modes of communication and they can be interpreted differently.  Ugh!  Dating made MORE confusing and complicated, just what we need! Not!  There was a time (and not that long ago) when someone asked someone else out on a date it occurred either on the phone or in person and then after the date he or she either called or didn’t.  That one aspect of dating was fairly simple.  Now there is text and email as additional modes of communication and the language has changed considerably as well.

We would like to shed some light on post dating communication.  We are going to address the modes of communication as well as the language used.

An actual live phone call a day or two after a date stating “I had a really good time.”  This approach is now considered “old fashioned” and is viewed in a positive light.  This type of phone call is seen as a very good sign and is interpreted to mean that the caller is interested in a second date.

What if you receive a text stating “last night was fun, let’s hang out again.”  This is basically the “modern” version of the approach above.  Again, this type of message is viewed positively and interpreted to mean the person sending the text is interested in a second date.  This type of text may be viewed as expressing a more casual interest.

No communication several days or more after a date can continue to be interpreted as a lack of interest in another date.  Sorry, but he/she is “just not into you.”  This is not complicated!  If he/she was interested he/she would initiate some form of communication.

What if the person who originally did the asking sends a text related to some part of conversation that occurred on your date?  For example, you receive a text from your date saying “I sure hope your job interview went well.  Have a great week.”  We interpret this as “reaching out.”  The person sending the text is sending a benign message to see if you will respond and indicate some level of interest.

Email messages sent after a date can be interpreted as carrying a little more weight.  It takes a bit more effort to send an email message and email messages are sent in more of a letter format as opposed to text messages which are often sent in “short hand” and have a much more casual feel.

What do post date phone calls, emails and texts mean that don’t actually include asking for another date?  We find this particularly interesting and notice that this type of communication comes mostly in the form of texts.  Text messages are very easy to send and often there is instant gratification (i.e. an immediate text back).  Texting can just feel light and fun with little commitment.  Don’t misinterpret these “conversations” as a relationship!  Keep in mind that if someone is truly interested in seeing you again they will ask.

What have your experiences been with modern day, post-date communication?

So you have had several dates with this great guy and there is definitely a connection that you are “feeling” that is mutual and you’re thinking “of course he is going to call me, why wouldn’t he?” But the last time you saw or spoke to him was almost 5 days ago and you have heard nada from him; nothing, zilch, 0 communication! How can that be? Why isn’t he calling? What is he doing that makes him sooo busy to just pick up the phone and send me a quick text or even a one sentence saying that he’s super busy but is thinking about me? I mean, you would do that right? So why isn’t he???!!!  Did he have an accident? Did I do something – I must have! What did I do? And then you start to replay the last conversation over in your head trying desperately to find the answer as to why he hasn’t called you. You even ask your friends and they are no help because they don’t know the reason any more than you do.

So now what? Do you call him? Do you wait even though it’s making you crazy, especially since you are checking your phone, and facebook every 5 minutes and when it does ring or vibrate and it isn’t him you are even more bummed out or even angry at the person who is calling you? And to make things worse, you realize (as if you didn’t really know anyway) that he didn’t have an accident because you actually see that he is active on facebook, even if it’s a little, so he isn’t that busy or severely injured. This further validates the fear “it must be me; I must have done something.”

The problem is that the only person who does know “why he isn’t calling” is him (the one you aren’t talking to). You may even want to call him and ask him why he hasn’t but your brain stops you – and we are glad it does because that will get you nowhere – nowhere good anyway. So you have 3 options: you either make contact with him, wait for him to call you, or blow him off (in your brain you tell yourself that you are moving on).

All of these options are tough, and we know this both professionally and personally. Even the “seemingly best intimate connections and/or relationships end up just not working out for various reasons that really aren’t about something we did wrong. But at this point you may feel like you are in limbo because you don’t know why you haven’t heard from him, and the “not knowing” feels a little scary. But you aren’t completely helpless or at the mercy of another person. You can’t control what they do (you can’t make them call you) but you can develop an “interpersonal plan” for yourself to help deal with dating situations like this that really are a very real part of life.

First off you decide what your own expectations are when it comes to dating, relationships, and communication and stick to the plan that you create for yourself. For example, for starters, you may decide that in order for you to go on a first date with  a guy he needs to be respectful of your time and give you a couple days notice when asking you out.  Then, if the date goes well, you hope to hear from him within 3 days. Anything longer than that will tell you that it’s time for you to “write him off” so to speak and move on. If he contacts you a week later he better have a really good excuse as to why he waited so long.  (We’re not saying this is what you should do we are just giving you ideas as to how to create your own rules or guidelines for yourself so you try to prevent the frequency of this limbo state.)

Generally speaking if a guy is interested in you and available he will call you at least semi-frequently (this includes texting), However, if he doesn’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean isn’t interested. He may actually be “not available.” We don’t mean he has another girlfriend or is married, of course this isn’t a rule out) but there are various circumstances that make someone unavailable. He may have realized that things were moving too fast for him and he really isn’t ready for a relationship right now (you cannot and shouldn’t try to change this). He may not be over his ex and still has “ex-baggage.”

However, if he is interested and available he will take the 3 minutes maximum it takes to call you, end of discussion. He will do this because he wants you to know he is interested, not just to talk, but because he wants you to know he’s into you and he is also not wanting other guys to step in – that is what guys think others guys will do if they don’t step up to the plate first.

If you don’t hear from him after what you determine as reasonable then get him out of your head and move on. This takes work and unfortunately practice, but we have all been there, trust us, many times. There is a reason (be it good/bad or otherwise) you haven’t heard from him but we don’t always get the answer to “why” that we crave. And even if we did would it really make that much of a difference?   There are WAY too many fish in the sea to spend your valuable time overanalyzing why “he isn’t calling you.”Sometimes girls don’t call guys back, for many reasons, and none of them make the phone ring any quicker. This is the world of dating – a word that is full of fun and pleasure, and sometimes hurt feelings. You will be okay – we promise.

So you’re going on a blind date and you’re a little nervous. Maybe a good friend set the two of you up, or you met him online or through some other third party and you are meeting each other live and in person for the very first time. Although it is technically considered a “blind date” according to wikipedia it doesn’t mean that you have to go into the date completely blind — and we recommend that you don’t. So we’ve put together some tips that might prove to be very helpful when going into the date, and maybe even relieve some of your “nervous energy” as well.

Get important information.

Try to talk with your potential date over the phone, via email, or at the very least via Facebook, and learn as much as you can first before agreeing to go on the date. You want to go “into the date” with at least some information about the person so you know that you have some things in common, or at the very least, have some idea as to good conversation topics based on both of your interests. If a friend of yours is setting you up as him or her questions about this “person” ie. likes, dislikes, relationship history, type of humor. etc.

Safety First

Meet in a public place even if the person who set you up knows both of you really well. This is just a good general rule when going on a first date but especially applicable if it’s a blind date. Remember “safety first.”

The first date should be fun.

Not everyone is naturally comfortable initiating or engaging in conversation with someone new yet dialog is important on a first date. So mix it up a bit. Try to plan a date that involves maybe some physical activity such as ice skating (many towns have indoor rinks) or miniature golf, or look in your local paper for events going on like a festival or outdoor concert. Being somewhat active allows for conversation and also a break from conversation at the same time which can ease some of the pressure of “what do we talk about?”

Being Nervous is Normal

Remember that just as nervous as you might be your date might be as well. Try to cut him or her some slack if they appear a little nervous because it probably will pass once the two of you become more comfortable. Keep in mind that your date agreed to the date under exactly the same conditions as you.

Try not to have expectations
This one can be tough to follow through on because you may be excited about going on the date, or your friend might have been talking about “how perfect the two of you would be together” etc. but keep in mind that  expectations can lead to major disappointments or feelings of shock, both of which can ruin the date. But definitely go into the date with the idea that you will have a good time even if “the two of you clearly weren’t made in heaven.”

It’s just the first date.

If there isn’t a connection don’t feel obligated to go out again with this person even if it was a friend that set you up. We usually recommend if unsure about a “connection” to try second date but don’t do it just out of feelings of obligation to your friend.

You made a date but now you are having second thoughts.  Ever been in that situation?  You found yourself trying to come up with a believable excuse because the last thing you wanted to do was hurt your date’s feelings.  Or, have you been on the receiving end of an excuse given to break a date with you?  Did you wonder if it was a truthful excuse?  Did it just seem a little too far-fetched?  And, did the excuse come via a live phone call or did you receive a text basically kicking you to the curb?  Personally, we feel you really should at least call and leave a voicemail message.  Canceling via text is a little impersonal and adolescent.  In addition, the excuse you give will influence whether or not this date will ever be rescheduled. Some excuses lend themselves to a date being permanently canceled and that may very well be what you want.

We decided to compile and review these excuses and come up with a top 5 list.  Be sure to take note if you have ever received one of these excuses or if you have given one (or more) of these excuses.  Also, we are not saying that all of these excuses are trumped up.  We are just saying they are very interesting excuses and some evoke the response of “really?” “Are you kidding me?”

“My exboyfriend/exgirlfriend stopped by yesterday and we decided to get back together.” (this is my personal favorite).  This is an excuse given when you for sure don’t want to reschedule.

“I’ve had an allergic reaction of some sort and my eyes have swollen shut.”  You’re likely to get a sympathetic, understanding response.  Because it is hard to know how long it will take you to recover you can now just sort of fade away and not reschedule the date.  Or, there is the option of rescheduling once the swelling has gone down.

“It seems I’m having a flare up of my herpes so I’m going to have to cancel our date.”  The likelihood of the date being rescheduled is very slim.

“My dog/cat is acting strange and may be sick so I’m just not comfortable leaving him/her unattended.”  If your date was with an animal lover then you can probably reschedule but if not then this is over before it started.

“My friend has finally decided to go to rehab so I need to take him/her.”  Some would not want to reschedule with you based on your close proximity to a drug addict/alcoholic.  They may worry this is part of your life too.  Those who tend to be helpers may really pursue rescheduling because he/she wants to save you and your friend from yourselves.

We would love to hear some of the excuses you have been given and the ones you have used when you wanted to break a date.  Please share!!

It really isn’t shocking that you were attracted to the same guy.  You are good friends after all and have a lot in common, including the kind of guy you find attractive.  In addition, you have had the opportunity to get to know this guy as a friend and perhaps discovered some chemistry.  The awkward part here is this is a guy your friend once dated.  What to do?  Friends tend to share a lot although most draw the line at boyfriends or husbands.  But, what about an ex-boyfriend?  Is he off limits?  Well, this isn’t black and white; it gets an answer that starts with” it depends.”  For the most part this is a scenario that is best avoided so no one’s feelings get hurt and friendships aren’t lost.  If you are going to go down this path anyway there are several factors that need to be evaluated before starting to date your friend’s ex-boyfriend.

It’s important to consider the length of the relationship.  Did they date for a several weeks or was this a long-term relationship?  If it was very short-term there is a chance there weren’t very strong feelings between them.  There are always exceptions though where strong feelings develop in a very short amount of time.  If this is your close friend then you probably know based on what your friend shared with you when they were dating.  If this was a long-term dating relationship then you best tread lightly and do your best to avoid dating this guy.  Dating this type of Ex is sure to be wrought with hurt feelings and awkwardness and may very well put your relationship with your friend at risk.

Next we ask you to consider the reason of the breakup.  Did this guy hurt your friend?  Did he cheat or otherwise treat her badly?  If so, we suggest you avoid dating him and support your friend.  And, why would you want to date a known jerk anyway?  If you date a guy who hurt your friend it’s sort of like saying his behavior is okay and taking his side – not good for a friendship!

What is it that you’re looking for with your friend’s ex?  Do you feel a pretty strong connection and have a sense that something significant could develop between you two?  Or, do you just find him hot and think a fling would be fun?  The question that comes to mind here is “is it worth it?”  Do you want to risk losing a friend over a fling?  There are plenty of guys out there that are “hot” that did not date your friend and you could pursue a fling with one of them.  Just sayin’ . . .
If somehow your friend’s ex feels like he could be your “soul mate” then you might want to consider going down this path in hopes your friend will understand.

BEFORE you start dating your friend’s ex, we STRONGLY encourage you to have a heart-to-heart with your friend.  Be sure to let her know you respect her and value you the friendship.  Ask her to be truly honest with you so that resentment doesn’t build up later.
The idea is protect the friendship first and pursue the guy second.

Have you ever dated your friend’s ex-boyfriend?  How did it go?  Please post your comments!

I’m sure we all know of the book The Rules or have seen many movies where they talk about “how to get him or her to ‘want’ you.” But we also know that the old book The Rules doesn’t hold water because all it does is teach you how to play games which doesn’t work. So what does work? Well it really depends on what you want — and many people dating aren’t really sure of what they want. So what do you do when you are tired of playing games?

Start by finding the things in your life that make you happy ie. people and activities. Be with the people you like and who like you and do the things you like to do. Having a life is extremely important  but having a partner isn’t a requirement or a necessity in having a good life so start with something (like your own life) you know for sure is good for you.

And, have other things going on in your life other than dating. Make plans with friends, pursue a hobby, etc. Not only will this make you happier and more fulfilled, the additional bonus is that it  will make you a more interesting person and if you are interesting people are more apt to want to spend time with you. This will allow for you to be truthful when you say “I have other plans, how about a different day for our date?” Your time will appear much more valuable and men and women alike want to date someone who displays value.

Be yourself. When you are genuine, you obviously also appear genuine and probably send the message “This is who I am - like it or not.” It also protects you from making a unhealthy relationship decision and regretting it within the future.

Stop over-thinking. Don’t obsess over whether or not you should I have said something different in my text message or voicemail message. Unless you were cursing or being rather inappropriate in another way then your message was fine. Yes we can just assume it was fine because if your date had a good time on the date then one little message, even though it might not have sounded perfect, isn ‘t going to change a darn thing. A good rule of thumb to follow is the shorter the message the better.

What we are trying to say is to avoid “obsessing.” If you spend too much time in your head analyzing you won’t be able to pay attention to the real interactions in the relationship, the things that matter and are ummmm actually happening. Stop worrying so much about “how many days or hours you should wait to respond to a text” and “the right way to say things to make you more desirable.” For example, if you sent your date a text later and didn’t get a response yet. So what, it doesn’t mean anything. Not everyone checks their messages immediately, her or she could be asleep, may not want to look too eager (ie. may be over-thinking things just like you are) etc. If you sent your date a text saying you had a good time and it’s the truth, then so what if you didn’t get a response, you did have a good time and you were just being honest.

As you can see from this blog, the Rules have been modified to just being honest and yourself. If you don’t like you or spending time with yourself then you need to take a look at yourself and start to like you and your own company first. When you feel good in your own skin, with your own company and in your own life then it will be easier to be honest and open when dating and the Rules will just get broken — as they should be:)