We have discussed red flags in dating relationships but I believe it is a topic worth revisiting.  This topic recently came up in a couple of conversations with clients as well as friends.  There are times when the red flags are blatant and obvious and other times not so much.  In addition, there are times we ignore red flags because we are blinded by thoughts like “he/she is so hot and we have a blast together.”  It’s really important to trust your gut and not ignore your intuition when it comes to red flags.  As they say, hindsight is 20/20 and this concept has been helpful in identifying some qualities, characteristics and behaviors based on past relationships that could help point out potential red flags in future dates or mates.

She has multiple personalities.  Not as in “Sybil” but more like she behaves differently when it is just the two of you, you are with friends or with family.  Consistency is important to be able to get a true read on someone.  Watch out if she is warm and friendly with you but cold and aloof with your friends or family.  Does she become the wild, party girl when her girlfriends are around?  This calls into question who the real girl is.

He is sweet and loving to you but is rude to the waiter, grocery checker, bank teller, etc.  This could be that he somehow doesn’t know any better based on his background/role modeling.  Seriously?  Is he living under a rock?  This is a poor excuse when we are talking about adults.  Or, he feels these individuals don’t deserve to be treated well.  In other words, he may feel he is better than them.  Someone with an inflated view of himself is someone to question.

She doesn’t really make an effort to get to know your friends or family.  She might be keeping her distance because she doesn’t intend to hang around in the relationship.

He doesn’t seem to have any future goals or aspirations.  Is he lazy?  Does he have low self-esteem?  He may be very hear-and-now focused versus making plans for his future.  He may lack maturity.  This is a quality to look out for if you want to get somewhere in life.

She seems complacent.  She has a job but not a career; occasionally complains about it but takes no action.  This lack of motivation is a red flag because it can show up in many areas of a relationship down the road.
 He frequently mentions the same ex-girlfriend.  Any time the two of you have a disagreement this is who he calls.  You broke up once and he hooked up with her.  He might not really be over this ex-girlfriend.  He possibly has some unresolved feelings for her.  His behavior is telling something!  In order to truly be with you he will need to move on from this past relationship.

These are several examples of qualities, characteristics and behaviors that might be telling you to proceed with caution in this relationship.  Ask questions, explore, check it out and be sure to trust your instincts.  If something seems not quite right it probably isn’t.  Get some feedback by running your concerns by a trusted friend.  Perhaps submit your questions /concerns to our blog and get feedback from us and your fellow readers.

What have you learned from hindsight?  Please post your comments!

We’ve all heard, and probably believe, that opposites do attract. But do those relationships last? I can tell you from personal experience that every time I dated someone who was technically “my opposite” it eventually ended. What ended up happening is that the very things that turned me on in the beginning i.e. the new and different things about him that were so “unlike” me ended up irritating me beyond belief and I found myself wanting him to change, to be more like me. Yikes, now that’s not good. But just because it didn’t work for me doesn’t mean that it won’t work for others. Part of the thrill of dating someone who is your opposite is that he is she has the Ying or Yang you have been missing and that is a turn on. However, please don’t misconstrue that chemistry for love. Everything is wonderful in the beginning, that’s why it’s called the “honeymoon phase.” So even those pesky little habits your love interest does like leaving all the drawers or doors open all of the time can be so “charming” initially but literally drive you batty later on. So after extensive research, and interviewing couples, this is the lowdown on opposites attracting and lasting in relationships and some pertinent questions you should ask yourself before committing to a relationship with someone who is different from you in many ways.

Are the differences between the two of you significant or insignificant? Obviously the fact that one of you may leave the drawers or cupboards open is probably not a significant deal but let’s say that one of you is a devout republican and your partner is a devout democrat (and political views are extremely important to you) then this would be a significant difference. Is the relationship worth adjusting to these different views?

Do you find yourself arguing with your mate over your differences? Sometimes a little playful taunting of differences can be fun but let’s fact it, an argument is an argument and if you are going head to head with your partner over the fact that you hate sports and can’t stand the fact that he loves sports, then you will have a rough road ahead of you in this relationship.

Are your values consistent with one another? Two people can appear to be opposites based upon their personalities or even hobbies but quite honestly for a relationship to stand the test and turmoil of time the values of the couple really need to be the same. That is what you hold on to when life throws those relationship curve balls at you.

If you’re not willing to change, don’t expect him or her to. All relationships require compromise and if you aren’t willing to make concessions for the sake of your relationship then you can’t expect your partner to. For example, if you both have a favorite hobby such as wine tasting and going to the lake every weekend and neither one of you wants to compromise with give and take on the weekend then it’s just not going to work. You can either figure out a way to do both, or agree to do your hobbies alone. But don’t expect your partner to give up his or her favorite pastime just because it isn’t yours. If you do then you are just asking for resentment and a mountain of problems.

Diversity can continue to add spark to a relationship just make sure that what created the “spark” initially doesn’t end up making you crazy in the end.

Please share any thoughts or feedback with our readers!

Whether it is for a new job, you are looking for a change or your current job transferred you, moving to a new city is a life-changing experience.  Doing this as a single person adds the element of figuring out the dating scene in your new city.  You might be feeling confident and excited or you might be feeling pretty nervous.  What may be helpful is to shift your focus a bit.  Perhaps consider concentrating on just meeting people and making some friends.  Don’t worry too much about meeting people with the intention of dating them.  When getting established in a new city, simply focus on developing a social network.  We are going to give you some tips and ideas to make this move to your new city a smooth transition.

Before you actually move do your research.  Do your best to find out what areas of your new city cater more to single people.  Is there a particular area with more nightlife?  More community events?  

Consider the part of town with more apartment/condo communities versus the suburbs.  Generally you will find more single people in apartments/condos and more families in the suburbs.

If you have a sports background join a coed sports team.  This is a great way to meet guys and girls and develop some friendships.  It’s interacting based around an activity so it’s less pressure than going out to a bar by yourself.

Get involved in your new community.  Seek out community events, social or charitable.  This way, you will meet others who live near you.

Find out if your new apartment/condo community has any social events.  Many have monthly mixers or pot luck parties on various holidays.  This is a great way to meet your neighbors.

When you start your new job scout out the local coffee shops.  Check out where some interesting looking people congregate for their morning cup of coffee.  If you start frequenting the same place you will start to see some of the same people and perhaps there will be an opportunity to strike up a conversation.

If you are the religious type start attending church services in your new city.  You might want to check out a few different churches to find one that has a large number of single people in the congregation.  This is a great way to expand your social network.

Join a fitness club, gym or yoga studio.  Go into it with the main purpose being your health.  You never know who you might meet.  Perhaps set up some personal training sessions at your new gym.  The trainers tend to know a lot of the members and could introduce you around.  The worst thing that will happen here is you will stay in or get in shape.  That’s not so bad, right?

We wish you well in your new city!  Enjoy the adventure!

Have you relocated as a single guy/girl?  Do you have some tips for your fellow readers?  Please post!

So it’s a Friday night at Albertsons and I’m picking up a few dinner items after work when I notice to guys looking worriedly at the rows of flowers on Aisle 11. I feel for them because one is trying earnestly to help the other pick out the right “bouquet” for his date, tonight of course, and they really have no idea what they are doing, but they do look very concerned. And why you ask? Well because they know that we women have “flower rules” and most guys are aware there are rules, but don’t have any idea what those rules are. There is a lot on the line. So I go over and offer to help without being asked and they graciously accept my help. I give them a quick crash course in the meaning behind the flower given to a girl, and the do’s and don’ts when it comes to girls and flowers. As they listened attentively, and even appeared a little perplexed, they received the information and made the appropriate choice which was a bunch of wild flowers (perfect for a first date). Since I realized the information might be of benefit also to our male readers that information will now be shared with all of you guys out there who have been, or will be in the position at some point in time, lost in the flower section of Albertson’s on a Friday night:

Let’s start with the most common flower given on a date, the rose. The red rose sends a message alright. In pure basic terms a red rose says that you love her and have serious intentions regarding your relationship. If you don’t feel this way, skip the red rose, seriously. The deeper the red the more love and romantic the message.

If she is only a friend then the yellow rose is much more appropriate. Plain and simple, the yellow rose sends a message of friendship.

A white rose signifies purity and innocence. Both yellow and white are perfect in platonic relationships, however, a yellow rose can sometimes indicate a more serious friendship than a white rose.

A word on carnations — almost the same rules apply as the roses. Red signifies romantic love, yellow and white kindness and friendship (thinking of you) and white is purity (unless combined with others in a spring bouquet.

Daisies and wildflowers are perfect for a new relationship. They are bright and beautiful and signify the start of something new and fresh.

You really can’t go wrong with tulips, or orchids, however, the girl or guy (especially a girl) will know that you spent a nice amount of money on her if you send her a bouquet of orchids so keep that message in mind.

One last word on the presentation of flowers. Sending flowers sends a different message than delivering. If you are in a serious relationship then by all means send or deliver your girlfriend or wife flowers. But, if you are just “pals” with no intention of taking the relationship further, avoid sending your girl flowers. Women work with women, and women talk about everything. The first thing women say when another women gets flowers at work is “Oh my god, he must LOVE you!” so if you don’t want to send that message, then don’t have your flowers delivered

As always, please share your thoughts or ideas and experiences with our readers!

We have all been there at some point, probably more than once, single on your birthday that is.  I am here to tell you this is not the end of the world.  You do have a decision to make though.  You can either have a pity party or you can celebrate the day of your birth.  Trust me, I do get it, it can be difficult to motivate yourself to plan your own celebration.  It really depends on your overall view and attitude about being single.

Some see single as interchangeable with “alone” or “lonely” while others see it as “free.”   If you have recently gone through a break-up you might be feeling more alone as your special day approaches.  On the flip side, perhaps you are enjoying the single life and see your special day filled with opportunities.  Male and female differences factor in here as well.  Generally speaking, we girls tend to long for that special guy to plan a spectacular birthday celebration and give us an amazing, thoughtful gift.  Guys typically don’t get as caught up in birthdays in the same way.  Yes, he will enjoy it if there is a special girl who goes out of her way to make a big deal out of his birthday, but he is less likely to think “I can’t possibly go out on my birthday, I’m single!” 

Keep in mind that whether you are single or attached your birthday is still a special day.  There are bound to be friends and family thinking of you on this day.  Your family, your friend group, dare I say, the world is forever changed because you are here!  You are unique and important!  How’s that for a positive attitude?!

Here are some tips to make your “single” birthday a true celebration:

Buy yourself a gift.  I’m sure there is an outfit, a pair of earrings, a golf club, or a new pair of sunglasses you would love to have.  Splurge!  It is your special day and you deserve it!  Money is tight?  Treat yourself to just a little something – the book you have wanted to read, a scented candle, new golf balls – pick something that you know you will enjoy.

Pamper yourself with a massage or a spa treatment of some kind.  Perhaps treat yourself to a round of golf at a great golf course.  My husband did this one birthday (he was single at the time) and shot his first hole in one!

Take the day off from work!  After all, this is your personal holiday.  Sleep in and lounge around.  Get coffee at your favorite bistro or coffee shop.

Take a trip – either solo or with friends.  Can I say Vegas Baby!  You know when your birthday is coming so plan ahead if possible and go on an adventure.  If you are short on cash, a night or two at a bed and breakfast or a camping/hiking trip will do the trick.

For you extroverts out there, plan your own birthday party!  Invite your close friends, be sure to tell them “your presence is present enough” (i.e. no gifts) and ask them to bring a single friend.  You might even score a birthday kiss with one of the hot single guests!

Have an intimate dinner party – either go out somewhere or host it at your place.  Make it pot luck and just enjoy some good company and good food/drinks.

Plan either a girls’ day or guys’ day – do what you do best as a group – spa treatments and lunch, sporting event, food and beers – it’s all good!

If you feel a little uncomfortable planning your own event, ask a close friend or family member to help you out.  Like I said, we have all been there so that friend or family member will be happy to help.

How have you spent your birthday when single?  Please share your comments!

So the summer is coming to end “sigh” and you are possibly freaking out and why? Because you have had great fun your new mate and are thinking “Will it end when the summer does? Will he or she stick around after Labor Day? Yikes! Hold your horses! You don’t need to start stressing out. Assume some control and recognize that the one thing that we all love about summer is that it is relaxing and hopefully less stressful. Just because the summer is ending doesn’t mean your relationship is as well. Unless you know for sure i.e., one of you is moving away, lives somewhere else etc. we can’t assume that the close of the summer signals the close of the romance. Here are some tips to keep your relationship moving in a positive and relaxed pace and to put things in perspective:

Tip 1. Be active in planning activities to do and events to go to in the fall. Stick with planning to do the things you like to do so that, if for some reason, things don’t work out for you and your new mate at the very least you will have plans to have fun.

Tip 2. When making plans for the fall consider buying an extra ticket (provided it’s not too costly) and as and the date of the event gets closer ask your mate if he or she would like to join you. If not you can still ask a friend or colleague, or can sell the ticket if you’re comfortable going solo.

Tip 3. Maintain a relaxed and calm summer attitude. Try to be present and have fun and avoid thinking and talking about things like going back to work, shorter days in the fall, obligations, etc. The more “present” you are the more fun you will have plus the more aware you will be when it comes to deciding if your mate is long term material.

Tip 4. Keep communication about expectations or no-expectations open without going overboard when it comes to “commitment talk.” Try to keep your feelings in check and your anxiety at bay and communicate about how much you are enjoying your time together and whether or not it feels right to continue that “time together” a little longer than summer.

Tip 5. Make sure that the two of you are on the same page. If this is truly a summer only romance for you try to make that very clear to your partner. If he or she seems to be looking for more you owe it to both of you to speak up about your desire to keep it short and sweet. The converse is also true. If it seems like you are starting to have more “long-term intentions” or “feelings” for him or her then pay attention to the messages you are getting from your mate to make sure that you both are wanting the same thing. If the messages seem unclear then you may have to speak up before you get hurt.

Whether it’s a summer fling or a long-term romance remember to appreciate the time you have together in the summer. The days are longer, the weather is warmer, work seems lighter (for most) and fun is everywhere so enjoy!

We have given you tips on getting the date, getting the second date, how to recover when it doesn’t work out and much, much more.  I’m going to talk with you now about how to recognize when your guy really doesn’t want to commit to the real-deal, long-term, possibly headed for marriage relationship.  I feel qualified to discuss this topic due to my education and professional experience but truly because of my personal experience with a guy who at times can be called “Peter Pan” because he just isn’t ready to grow up and a different guy who at times can be called “Fabio” because his life comes across a bit like a romance novel.  Think in terms of romance novels – “Harlequin Romances” typically show “Fabio” on the cover.  Peter Pan is perpetually a boy and Fabio is in love with being in love.  Do you know these guys??  Don’t get me wrong, both of these guys are charming and really wonderful in their own way.  It is possible to be seriously involved with either of them and feel and believe you are in a long-term, committed relationship.  They are both capable of loving and remaining faithful.  But, do you hear yourself saying “he has so much boyish charm” or “he is just a hopeless romantic?”  There are just some signs (some subtle and some not) that can tell you he isn’t looking for or isn’t ready for the real-deal, long-term, possibly headed for marriage relationship.

He rarely uses the words “we” or “us.”  He is more independently focused.  He might be “Peter Pan.”

His place still looks a little like a dorm room despite the fact he has been out of college for over 5 years.  He might be “Peter Pan.”

He does not have a savings account.  He might be “Peter Pan.”

He has never even considered getting a dog, starting a retirement plan, or purchasing a home – all things that require serious commitment.  He might be “Peter Pan.”

His idea of a vacation is a group of friends all going to The River or to Vegas to do some serious partying.  It would never occur to him for the two of you to go for example on a romantic weekend wine tasting or skiing.  He might be “Peter Pan.”

He shies away from conversations that are about your future together or anything you might ask along the lines of “so, where do you see us headed?”  To this question the most you might get is “I love you and we are having so much fun together, isn’t that enough?”  You might tend to feel like you are in a holding pattern.  He might be “Peter Pan.”

He showers you with affection and gifts from very early on in the relationship, even before it is a relationship.  This can be flattering, but ask yourself “is this over-kill?”  He might be “Fabio.”

He tells you he has fallen for you, you are his soul-mate and he is in love with you after a very short time dating, like after only dating a few weeks.  He might be “Fabio.”

He quickly comes up with pet names for you, again, after only a few weeks.  He is driven for this connection to be special just a little too quickly.  He might be “Fabio.”

When discussing your relationship history, you find out he has had several fairly long-term relationships, all back-to-back and he was “in love” with all of these women and still gets teary-eyed when thinking back on special moments with them.  He might be “Fabio” and a little creepy I might add!

There are a multitude of special songs, places, foods, phrases, jokes and types of wine that he says he now only associates with you.  Once again, these connections developed extremely quickly and are given more attention than aspects of the relationship that might indicate depth and substance.  He might be “Fabio.”

Keep in mind that one of these characteristics does not a “Peter Pan” or “Fabio” make.  Typically, a true “Peter Pan” or “Fabio” has several of these traits.

Have you dated “Peter Pan” or Fabio?”  Please share your comments!

For decades single people have placed personal ads in magazines and newspapers all over the world, and have described themselves in less than 25-50 words, which can be a little tough. Now this is different from online dating where you create a profile; the personal ad is placed in a actual newspaper or magazine and is designed to be brief and succinct much like an ad selling an item. Needless to say it can be rather daunting to try to describe yourself in so few words, but it is necessary, and we can help you design the perfect personal ad to get yourself noticed.

Tip 1. Find a literary location. The key to a valuable personal ad can be location, location, location. A newspaper such as “The OC Weekly” in Orange County California is a smaller publication with an audience of people who are very demographically similar, while an ad in the “Orange County Register” which is larger daily newspaper will make your ad more visible to a much larger population.

Tip 2. Decide if you want to spend money on your ad and how much. Typically online personals which are newspapers online are free to post. However hard copy newspapers generally do charge a fee either by word or by line, so maybe both options would work for you.

Tip 3.
 Think about placing more than one ad, in more than one publication and tailor your ad according the publication in which it is presented. An ad in a local paper that shares ad space with social clubs would be a good venue to have your personal ad be a little more light and casual. However, an ad in say “The New York Post” might suggest something more straight forward and to the point.

Tip 4. Learn the language used for either dating online or through a personal ad. There are many acronyms used that you need to be aware of and use in order to not only be current but also to save money and ad space. For example, SWF and SWM may be obvious acronyms for single white female/male but some may not be so obvious. STR and LTR stand for short term and long term relationship respectively. Look for more acronyms online before you write your ad.

Tip 5. Write a catchy headline that will grab the attention of possible partners. Although the content is about you the headline can be about the type of person you are looking for. For example, “Looking to meet that special person whose passion is to travel and see the world.” A statement like that is general but specific and sparks interest, but only in those who share the same passion as you. If it seems like the responses you get are not specific enough for the person you are looking for then cast your net a little smaller and make your headline more specific.

Be patient. Personal ads might take a little longer to illicit a response versus online dating but the payoff can be worth it!

Do you feel like shyness in getting in the way of successful dating experiences?  Are dating opportunities passing you by?  If a potential date approaches you are you suddenly tongue-tied?  Do you avoid approaching that good looking guy convinced you will freeze up?  Is this something you want to change?  We wrote an earlier blog about guys overcoming shyness in the dating world and now it is time to address the same issue for you “shy” girls.

Perhaps as far back as you can remember you were referred to as shy.  When you were a little girl, your mom would say, “Oh, she is just shy” when you were very quiet upon arriving to a party or the first day of school.  This sort of developed into part of your personality.  Maybe you were destined to be shy, maybe not; maybe it was a little bit of the power of suggestion.  In other words, the more you tell yourself you are shy and the more others refer to you as shy you will believe you are shy and present that way in social settings.

If the power of suggestion and your internal thoughts and messages can lead you to believe you are shy, is it possible the opposite thoughts can lead you to believe you are outgoing?  I am going to go out on a limb and say, “yes.”  I do not mean to say it is as simple as just thinking “I am outgoing.”  There is a bit more to it than that so read on for some helpful tips.

1. On a daily basis take note of your positive qualities. The more you focus on your positives the more confident you will feel. The more confident you feel the more comfortable you will become with being a little more outgoing.
2. Ask yourself, “What do I “bring to the table?” In other words, why would someone else enjoy having a conversation with you, date you, etc? For instance, you were invited to a party and there are reasons you were invited, reasons the host enjoys having you around.
3. When you are out in the world, practice being more outgoing. Make eye contact with people, smile and say hello. The more you do this the more comfortable you will feel with being outgoing. You will also be perceived as friendly and approachable which is a key component in the dating world.
4. Hone in on your talents or develop new talents or at least one thing you are good at. This is something else that can build self-confidence which is important in combating shyness. Knowing you have strengths/talents is helpful because it is then a natural topic for you when you interacting socially. No, I don’t mean something to brag about because that is not attractive. What I mean is when someone asks “what do you do for fun?” or “what do you like to do?” you will have something to share about yourself.
5. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen if I put myself out there?” Well, it is possible you will experience rejection. This is part of life ladies so don’t let it get you down. Smile and move on. Try to think of it as practice for the real thing.
6. Set a goal for yourself. When you have plans to go out socially, tell yourself you will make eye contact with, smile and say hello to at least 5 people. Remember, this is practice and the more you do it the more comfortable you will feel.
7. Stop labeling yourself as shy! You are you, you are unique, and you are attractive and you are (__________________) fill in the blank with all of the positives you identified earlier.

How have you overcome shyness in the dating world?  Do you struggle with shyness?  We are interested in your experiences and comments!  Please post!

We don’t really need to know “why” men and women tend to communicate differently in relationships all we need to know is that they do, and for the most part both genders can say essentially the same things but in different ways.

For example, take “Sarah” and “John” (names changed for obvious reasons). Sarah and John have been dating for a few months and Sarah asks John a very common girl question “How do you feel about our relationship?” John is a little confused by the question he views as pretty broad and answers “I feel fine.” Now Sarah becomes irritated with this response because she feels that he didn’t really answer that question and she replies by asking John “Other than just fine, how else do you feel about US?” Now John just views this question as a repeat of the original question and wonders why she didn’t like his first response. He assumes maybe he just chose the wrong word so he now replies “I feel good about us.” Now John is satisfied with his response but Sarah is irritated and now John is confused, and both of them are now frustrated.

If this situation sounds familiar you are not alone. It’s pretty common for men and women to miscommunicate when it comes to describing their wants, feelings, and possible feedback with their partner. In Sarah ‘s case she needs to understand that most men need to know more specific information, ie. the bottom line. Sarah’s question is very broad and only another woman would completely understand it, but not a man. What Sarah is really asking is “Do you see a future for us? Do you feel like you are committed to this relationship on a long term basis or are you thinking that this is as serious as it is going to get?” But John has no idea that Sarah is asking all of that in her one question so really he answers the basic question without reading between the lines, which is “I feel fine.” For guys there is nothing between the lines, and that’s the bottom line.

In addition, if you ask a guy “So what are you thinking about?” you will probably freak him out because in truth he is probably thinking about something random and doesn’t want to say that because he knows you are asking for a different, more profound response, and he doesn’t have one. So just avoid that question altogether. You probably want some kind of answer that sounds like “I’m thinking about how happy I am at this very moment with you.” When relationships are going well guys don’t talk about “how good they are going” they only speak up if there is a problem; judge his “thoughts about the relationship” by his actions. When guys are happy in a relationship they really don’t talk about it, so his silence is a good sign, it’s golden. Women are the opposite; we talk about almost everything so if you are thinking “you are happy at this very moment with him” then say it.

So in Sarah’s situation, or really for any women it would be wise for her to break down the questions one by one and then ask each one individually. Allow for your mate to think and process it before moving on. Keep in mind that the bottom line is what you want to stick to otherwise you may overwhelm him with talk about feelings, and not everything needs to be discussed in one relationship conversation.

In John’s situation, or for any man talking to a woman about feelings, the relationship, or possibly any serious content related conversation try to listen with your heart. What this means is that even though there may be a problem presented doesn’t mean that your mate wants it fixed. Just listen empathetically and allow her talk and maybe even vent. Venting, for guys who don’t know this, is a common way that women just open share their thoughts and feelings without wanting to resolve anything. The resolve is just allowing oneself to speak openly and have another person listen without judgment or problem solving. It may be helpful, if a guy can’t tell whether or not he is needed to provide a solution, if he asks his mate whether she is venting or wants help problem solving.

Hopefully these are some helpful guidelines for all men and women in relationships speak more comfortably with one another with more understanding of the differences and similarities in both sexes.