Nothing says awkward like running into your Ex while with your current date or significant other.  Typically after a break-up we imagine running into our Ex and cringe at the thought.  I think you would agree that you generally hope you won’t ever run into them and are able to dodge that bullet.  Take heart, this is often the case.  Although I have continued to live in generally the same area for a number of years it has been rare that I have run into an Ex.  When we entertain the idea of running into an Ex and you were the dumper, you might imagine seeing your Ex and feeling guilty and compelled to have a longer conversation than desired.  If you were the dumpee, you might imagine the worst case scenario where you tearfully try to get answers to those unanswered questions.  You shutter at the possibility of either of these situations.  Men and women alike secretly hope or even fantasize that if we do (horror of horrors) run into an Ex that we look amazing, are incredibly successful and appear to be having a fabulous time doing whatever we happen to be doing either with a fantastic new main squeeze or an equally fantastic group of friends.  Back to reality friends, this is outside of your control.  You could run into an Ex at the grocery store, at the gym or any number of places.  The odds increase if you live in the same area and it is a small town and the odds decrease dramatically if either of you have moved or you live in a fairly good-sized city.

Here’s an example of running into an Ex that didn’t go very well.  This is based on running into my husband’s ex-girlfriend.  My husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend at the time, dating for about 3 months.  We were out for a run on a weekend morning with another couple.  Walking toward us on the path was my boyfriend’s Ex!  I saw them make eye contact and my boyfriend stopped.  I hesitated, my boyfriend made no reference to me, looked uncomfortable so I kept going and caught up with our friends.  I did not know her but it seemed pretty obvious she was an Ex.  A few minutes later my boyfriend caught up with us and said that was his Ex who happens to live very close by.  Needless to say my boyfriend was caught off guard, the Ex was extremely uncomfortable and it was just plain awkward.  Later that day, my boyfriend received a voicemail message from his Ex verbally blasting him, accusing him of cheating with me while they were still dating!  This was completely untrue but clearly she was still upset about the break-up.  My boyfriend had not behaved badly but did in fact end their relationship and she was hurt. 

So, you ask, “What do I do if I run into an Ex?”  We have some tips for you so you can feel prepared.  We cannot guarantee how your Ex will behave, that is outside of your control and of course ours.  You do however have control over your own behavior.

Be the first to say hello.  If you were the dumper this will speak to your integrity.  If you were the dumpee you will come across as confident and strong.

If you are with a date or significant other, be sure to introduce them right away.  It’s not necessary to say, “this is my new girlfriend (fill in name)” simply introduce them by name.  I’m sure your Ex will be able sort this out on their own.  If your Ex is with a date, be sure to acknowledge their date.

Keep the conversation brief.  This will reduce the awkwardness and the risk of stirring up old feelings such as anger or sadness.  Do not bring up old issues!  There is no point – more than likely if you have run into your Ex unexpectedly you are not in an appropriate place to have such a conversation anyway.  If you or you Ex are with a date/significant other, we hope this goes without saying, but most definitely, a long discussion is out of the question.

When your Ex asks how things are going in your life, share something positive.  Make sure it is true because getting caught in a lie will only be humiliating later.

Whatever you do, be sure to remain calm. Do not flip out, scream, cry or yell.  This will only leave you feeling embarrassed later.  And, talk about awkward if you or your Ex is with a date/significant other!

Have you run into an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?  What was your experience?  Please share!

In a way, when you are re-entering the dating scene after a long break from dating or after ending a marriage or long-term relationship, it is a little like looking for a job after being out of work for a period of time.  You might feel concerned about “gaps in your resume” so to speak.  You might be wondering how to answer questions like “do you date a lot?” or “have you been married?” or “when was your last relationship?”  These questions can feel tough to answer when you are not ready to divulge your whole story, and saying you haven’t actually dated in a couple years feels awkward.  Not knowing how to answer questions such as these can become so anxiety producing it can keep you from moving forward with dating.  It might just seem easier to avoid dating altogether.  From a purely practical perspective, the longer you avoid dating the longer those gaps in your “resume” will be.  The longer you avoid something because of anxiety the more anxiety will build up around what you are avoiding.  Make sense?  In other words, the fear you have related to re-entering the dating scene is likely to be more intense than what you will feel when actually dating.  Let us also say you are allowed to begin dating again and move forward with your life!  Now that we have given you permission, please do the same for yourself and read on as we give you the tips and tools you need to start this process.

Keep it casual. You don’t need to focus on finding love or finding your soul mate. Your best approach in the beginning is to get comfortable with being more social again. Start with broadening your social circle. Let your close friends know you are open to meeting new people. Consider joining some social groups for men and women that have activity based events where you can meet others with similar interests. This would be a great time to take a class of interest to you with a good mix of men and women such as golf lessons, wine tasting, or ballroom dancing. As your comfort level builds with interacting with new people you will warm up to the idea of going on one-on-one dates.

Be positive! Generally speaking, a positive attitude tends to draw people toward you and a negative attitude will push others away. Know that some dates will not lead to a second date. This is normal! It does not mean you are a failure. Each date you go will build your confidence and provide you with dating practice.

If it has been a significant length of time since you have dated you are going to see that the dating scene has changed. Online dating for example might be completely foreign to you. Talk with friends about the best sites and do your own research. Please read our blogs on online dating and dating safety – you will find the tips you need related to navigating web-based dating! Chat with your single friends about their experiences and get some tips on writing a great profile and posting the best pictures.

Don’t open Pandora’s Box! When you do go on a date with someone new there is no need to get into your whole story. This can get really sticky, unravel and head south very quickly if you are not careful. When asked “do you date a lot?” you can simply say “I try to keep a good balance of spending time with friends and family and dating” or “I enjoy dating on the weekends as well as doing other things. My career keeps me busy too.” If you are asked “have you been married?” and you have, be honest, but leave the baggage at home. You can respond with “yes, for 5 years.” This is not the time to get into the gory details of your divorce and what a “bleep bleep bleep” your Ex is. If someone pushes you for details and it’s unlikely they will, you can refocus the conversation by saying “I really want to spend our date getting to know each other” and then ask him/her a question about their personal interests.

Check out the resources in our blog! There are several blog posts with great tips on dating, such as dating safety, internet dating, first date ideas, texting and dating, male and female communication differences and the best places to meet other singles just to name a few. We recommend you go through our archives for each month and check out the different topics that might be helpful to you.

Now, take a deep breath, stand up straight and head out into the world with the attitude that says “I’m a great catch and you would be lucky to date me!”  Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities and is definitely more likely to attract others to you than telling yourself “I’m a relationship failure.”

Have some of you re-entered the dating scene after a long hiatus or after ending a long-term relationship?  Please post your comments!

You’ve been feeling really good, almost back to your old self.  Work is good especially since you got a promotion, you’re not dating anyone special but overall your social life is pretty full and for the most part your mood is up-beat the majority of the time.  Then, out of nowhere your phone shows “new text message” and it is from HER.  What does SHE want?  She’s the one who broke your heart and went back to her ex or perhaps she is the one who decided she wasn’t ready for a boyfriend.  “Why is She calling Me?” you ask yourself.  You can already feel the scab peeling away from the wound.

Hey, we’ve all been there.  You fall for someone and just as you feel like it could really be going somewhere he/she drops the bomb that they are not over their ex, they are going back or they are not ready for a relationship and dumping you.  Your heart shatters into a million pieces.  You ask “where did I go wrong?”  You go through your process of healing and moving on and then suddenly the one that got away contacts you.  What do you do?  How do you handle it?

Anyway, back to the situation above.  She has texted saying she finally is getting around to returning your book that she borrowed and could you call to set up a good time for that.  Well, reading between the lines, this sounds like an excuse to contact you.  She could have mailed you the book or just assumed by now it was long forgotten.  Let’s fast forward to you meeting up with her to return the book.  Face it, we know it would be difficult to ignore the text and turn away from a chance to see HER.  Now, if you were able to resist and you simply texted back for her to mail it to you then more power to you!  Please post some comments about how you managed that.  For everyone else how to handle this really depends on several factors.  How did she handle telling you about going back to her ex or not wanting to be in a relationship?  Was she sincere, empathic, and honest?  How long did the two of you date prior to the “break-up?”  How strong truly were your feelings for her?  Bottom line, is she worth peeling off the scab and exposing the wound again?  Know that just seeing HER can take you a few steps back in your moving forward process.  Proceed with caution.

Meet in a public place in the light of day where there will be no alcohol involved.  A sloppy, drunk declaration of love at this point is a terrible idea.

Play it cool.  Is this truly to only return the book?  If there is more to this then let that come from her.  If it is to merely return the book, then say thank you and wish her well as you continue to move on.

If she expresses she is having second thoughts about her decision, let her talk and share what’s going on for her.  Just listen at this point.  Take it in and TRY to play it cool.  Yes, we know she’s hot, but please take a breath and play it cool.

Now, take your time.  This is not a race to the finish line.  If what she is sharing seems sincere and well thought out then perhaps more conversations could be beneficial.  Consider another “date” to talk things over further.  Set it up for several days in the future.  This will give you time to digest what she has told you.  Again, set your date for a public place in the light of day where there will be no alcohol involved.

If after a few conversations you decide to date again, be cautious.  If she left you to return to her ex, then be sure to get confirmation that the relationship with the ex is truly over and she has moved on from him.  She really needs to be free of that relationship in order to engage in anything with you.  Ask her some questions in these conversations.  What has changed?  Why did she leave the ex?  Why is she now ready for a relationship when she wasn’t before?  Get clear answers before proceeding forward, slowly.  Remember this is not a race to the finish line.  You don’t need to jump immediately into a relationship.  Spend some time getting to know each other again.

Who has encountered a situation like this?  Please share your experiences and comments!

Breaking up is never easy, even if you are the “dumper.”  There are several factors that play in to what makes this difficult.  You have invested a lot in the relationship, you really care for this person, you don’t want to hurt this person, and there are some things you still like/love about this person just to name a few.  You know that if you stay in a relationship that isn’t right for you, you are preventing yourself from meeting the person who is truly right for you.  Although breaking up isn’t easy, it’s certainly better than stringing someone along or trying to pretend to be happy in an unhappy relationship.  There is going to be some pain involved but if you follow these guidelines you will know that you are treating yourself and your soon to be ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend with respect.

Avoid the Sneak Attack.   This is where you break up out of the blue, without any indication anything has been a problem.  Be sure to clue the other person in along the way when there are aspects of the relationship you are unhappy with.  If feasible, make efforts to work things out.  Yes, you are going to have to communicate!  The “dumpee” is more likely to take in and digest what is happening if they sort of saw it coming versus feeling blind-sided.

The Direct Approach is always best.  Be brief and to the point, in other words, state your business.  Don’t play games or just start ignoring the person.  Stick to your decision, no need to be wishy-washy.  This doesn’t need to be overly dramatic.  Do your soul searching prior to this conversation.  Don’t pick a fight to give you a “reason” to break-up.  Be really clear on the decision you have made.  Please, please don’t say “it’s not you it’s me.” If you are not clear and you can’t come up with reasons that make sense perhaps you are not ready to break up.

Just Vanishing and expecting your ex to know what happened is not okay.  You will leave your partner with only hurt and confusion.  This person deserves a phone call at the very least.  Remember, this person cares for you and is invested in the relationship.  Unless this is an extremely volatile situation, suck it up and have a face-to-face conversation.

Location is important.  Unless you are afraid for your safety, a private venue is best.  The break-up is difficult enough without adding public humiliation.  Choose a quiet, private place where you will both feel comfortable.  If possible, pick a place that is even more comfortable for the person you are about to dump.

There is no need for Severance Pay at the time of or after a break-up.  Gifts at this point would only be confusing.  Do return anything they have left with you.  This may take a little time.  You may want to box up what you have of theirs and suggest they have a friend pick it up.  Gifts that have been exchanged during the course of the relationship typically remain with the recipient.

Make it a Clean Break.  Translation – no post break-up booty calls!  This will only complicate things. This will give your ex false hope that you will reconcile.  This will make it very difficult for either of you to move on and find dates/mates that are truly right for you.  You broke up for a reason, remember?

What tips do you have for someone preparing for a break-up?  What’s worked and what hasn’t worked in your past break-ups? Please share your comments!

Are you going through a break up (or separation) and want your relationship back? If you keep trying to get back together and it’s not working then stop doing whatever it is that isn’t working and either move on, or try a different approach.

Here are several of the most common tactics that the either the “dumper” or “dumpee” take after realizing that they want to get back together with their ex and we are here to tell you that these just don’t work. If you are doing any of them and think “well in my situation it’s different” forget it, things won’t work out and if anything may push your “ex” in the opposite direction.

1. The extra “nice guy” or “nice girl” approach. You decide to go overboard in the “nice” department and kill him or her with kindness trying to win your ex back. The “extra nice ex” will do things like offer to clean his or her house, do his or her laundry, bring him or her lunch each day, etc. The super nice ex won’t win any brownie points because “Too nice is a turn off”; yes it’s true, even in the beginning of a relationship. So why would you resort to using a tactic when your relationship is ending when it doesn’t work at the best of times?
2. The plan to convince or argue with your ex that the two of you are meant to be together. There is no way you can convince another person that they need to understand the two of you are meant to be together. You can try logic, analogies, pleading and begging and you will not be back together. No one can be truly convinced that what he or she feels about another person is wrong. It’s not like you are going to come up with the perfect reason why the two of you should be together and create this “aha” moment for your ex by bringing up a brilliant reason that he or she didn’t think of, it just doesn’t happen.
3. The “we’ll just be friends now and see what happens” approach. Don’t kid yourself in thinking that if you hang around and be his or her friend that somehow he or she will realize what a catch you still are and say, “what was I thinking? we definitely need to be back together. ” It doesn’t happen; because there is no way your ex can miss you if you won’t leave.
4. The “sex with your ex” approach. There’s really not a lot to say about why this doesn’t work, it just doesn’t. You may rationalize it all you want but it will get you nowhere other than maybe farther away from going down the road to meet the person you are supposed to be dating.
5. Trying to make your ex jealous in order to win him or her back. Although this can happen naturally it won’t work if your plan is to fake a connection with another person for the sole purpose of winning your ex back. Even though we have seen it in the movies, rarely does it even work on the big screen. Typically if you start to see someone else and your ex becomes jealous Murphy’s Law says that at that point it’s too late because you probably aren’t interested in your ex anymore. Don’t get us wrong, this isn’t always the case but we can tell you that faking some kind of attraction usually backfires and you normally end up with nothing. You are either too obvious and it doesn’t work; or if it does and you win your ex back then he or she is more caught up in the competition than his or her attraction to you and you are destined for the “re-break-up.” Or if you resort to this kind of manipulation without addressing the reason why the relationship didn’t work in the first place you will just end up in a recycled bad relationship.

Even though you may really miss your ex and feel like you can’t imagine a life without him or her you need to keep in mind that there are plenty of people out there wanting to date you and to be in a relationship. However, if you do want to try to make things work again with your ex then approach the decision honestly with both yourself and you’re ex. Talk about whether the problems are fixable, and if they are worth fixing. Get a little distance, time and space, in order for your emotions to settle and so your head can clear a little before making any decisions about giving it another chance. You owe it to both of you otherwise you may get so caught up in the fight for your relationship that you actually forget about the prize.

January is National Break up Month.  Didn’t know that?  Well, it is and it’s best explained because it is the first break in the action after the holidays and it is before the next round of holidays, most specifically Valentine’s Day.  I’m writing about this in March because many of you may now find yourselves 6 – 8 weeks post break up, trying to sift through the wreckage and figure out how to move on.  The big question at this point often seems to be “how do I get over my ex?”  This can be challenging for many reasons.  You didn’t see the break up coming, you’ve been dating for a long period of time, you were dumped versus the one doing the dumping and the list goes on.  It is important to remember that it does take some time to get over an ex.  How much time you ask?  Well, it is different for everyone and it depends somewhat on the length/nature of the relationship.  We are going to give you some tips and tools to help you get over your ex.  These tips are useful for guys and girls because whether you are a guy or a girl getting over an ex isn’t easy.

It is important to make a conscious decision that you are going to get over your ex.  This means letting go of wishing he/she will come back.  This means of thinking of your ex in the past tense and considering the relationship as a closed chapter in your life.

After a break up there is a tendency to focus on all the happy memories and positives about your ex and forget the reasons why the relationship didn’t work out.  In other words, we put these past loves on a pedestal and they become more “perfect” as time goes by without them.  Fantasizing about your ex keeps your ex in the forefront of your thoughts and can cloud your judgment convincing you they were “the one.”  It is important to be clear in your mind why the relationship didn’t work out.  Write down the reasons.  Tell a trusted friend the reasons and have that friend remind you of those reasons whenever you start to speak wistfully about your ex.

You know all those mementos of the relationship that are all over your house, bedroom, office, etc.?  Well, it is time to box them up.  You may not want to get rid of everything but it is helpful to take them out of your line of site.

Do not contact your ex!  This relationship is over and no amount of re-hashing is going to change that.  Contact with your ex will do nothing more than stir up old feelings and set you back in the process of getting over your ex.  When you have the urge to contact your ex, contact a friend, make some plans and distract yourself.  The urge will pass and you will be so glad you didn’t call, text, email, send flowers or dedicate a song on the radio to your ex.

Write down whatever it is you think you want to say to your ex.  Pour it all out on paper and then burn it!  Whatever you do, don’t send it to your ex.  Again, this relationship is over and the focus is moving forward and getting over your ex.

Spend time with your friends.  Perhaps start venturing back out in the dating/social scene.  Find some new places to hang out versus the places you and your ex used to go together. 

What are some strategies that have helped you get over your ex?  Please share your comments and experiences!

Why does it always seem like I’m the one who “make’s my boyfriend into Mr. Right” for some other girl? Does it seem like you are asking yourself this question on more than one occasion? Does it seem like you are always the one in a long term relationship, going through a break-up after your guy says “I’m not ready for a commitment” only to see him a few months later getting married to someone else?  If so, you aren’t alone, believe me.  The reasons why this happens can be a little blurry but if we think about it we might discover a pattern so that we don’t feeling completely at the mercy of cupid’s wrath!

First of all, did you really want him to be “Mr. Right (for you that is) anyway?” If not then you should consider the fact that if you weren’t wanting something permanent then what were you getting out of the relationship?  If you were the one that ended it then the point is moot but what if you weren’t the one to end it?  If you were in it for a good time and not a long time then maybe this was the message you gave without realizing it and that’s why it eventually ended, because it was bound to anyway. Sometimes the messages we send in relationships are unconscious and what we want or even fear comes out in our actions.  For example, if we are fearful of a commitment based upon relationship history or other “baggage” you may be distant in your current relationship.  If you are overly afraid of abandonment, again probably due to history, that too can come out in your present relationship as clingy, possessive, etc. and that too can push your partner away.

If you did want it to last maybe the two of you just weren’t a good match.  That doesn’t mean you weren’t a good match for the short-term it just means that it wasn’t meant to be forever.  Not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime, even the good ones.  If only bad relationships ended in break-ups then quite honestly there would never be a term like “first love” or “the loves of my life” or “summer romance” etc.  

Maybe you were “too good at being a good girlfriend.”  Allow me to explain: you say you aren’t going to change him, but try you do!  You decide that he needs a different wardrobe so you ever so-slowly buy him new clothes or take him shopping.  You then teach him the art of chivalry, talking about his feelings, validating yours etc. and even as he protests your help you subtly work your magic.  Well, your magic can work too well, and magically sends him walking – walking into the waiting arms of some other well-deserving bride-to-be.  Congratulations you just made your boyfriend into a wonderful husband for someone else, and where’s your thank-you card?

Whatever the reason for the pattern it still can sting when you get that call from either your ex or one of your well-wishing friends, or even an update on Facebook that says “I’m getting married!” First of all, as an aside, you should always “de-friend” your ex to prevent updates that you aren’t prepared for from happening, and being friends with your ex can be risky anyway.  But once the bell is rung it can’t be un-rung so suck it up sister and think to yourself, “Maybe there is another wonderful woman out there right now preparing her boyfriend to be my Mr. Right! (we love good karma!)

I’m sure the last thing you want to hear right now is “time heals all wounds” so I’m going to take a different approach.  A good way to think of you at this time is “under construction.”  Keep in mind when buildings are under construction they are shaky and unstable.  No offense, but there is a strong chance you are at least slightly unstable post break up.  The tendency at this time can be to flirt often and find someone new quickly.  I strongly recommend you resist this urge.  This is a time of strengthening and rebuilding, not rebounding!  For a building to be strong it must be built on a stable foundation.  Relationships are the same way.  Post break up is not the time to date and try to develop a new relationship, but the time to strengthen and rebuild YOU!

How long will this strengthening and rebuilding phase take, you ask?  Well, a good rule of thumb is double or triple the time you think it will take.  The idea is to wait until you can think about your ex without pain, embarrassment or sadness.  In addition, you are able to avoid talking about your ex.  Generally speaking, the longer you dated the longer the rebuilding period.  I had a friend ask if another friend was “dating yet.”  The mutual friend was post break up by a few months following a 12 year relationship.  I honestly responded with laughter.  Dating at that point is nothing short of ridiculous!

Here are some suggestions of how to best use your time during this rebuilding phase:

Spend time with your same-sex friends.  This is a great time to really work on and polish up your friendships.  Plan a girls’ night in or go golfing with guys.  These are the people who share our good times and sustain us through our traumas.

Dare I say, learn something from the past relationship?  Don’t freak out!  I’m not saying it’s your fault the relationship didn’t work out.  Typically no one is completely to blame when a relationship ends.  I’m just saying try your best to sift through what happened and determine what part was yours so you don’t repeat it in your next relationship.  This isn’t the most fun exercise but it is time well spent.

Get some exercise!  Join a gym; take a yoga class, go running or hiking.  Exercise is a great way to boost your mood and when you are ready to get back out there you will look and feel terrific!

Take care of those chores you never seemed to have time to do when you were involved in a relationship.  Clean out the closet, fix up the yard, or organize the garage.  This will make your environment more pleasant and give you a sense of accomplishment.

Volunteer your time.  Join Habitat for Humanity, plant a community garden, attend a beach clean-up day or volunteer at the animal shelter.  Acts of kindness and efforts to improve the community help you to get outside of yourself a bit and focus on the bigger picture of life.  These are also ways to be social without coupling up.

What has helped you post break up??  Please share your experiences and comments!