That green eyed monster of jealousy, as it’s lovingly called, can make or break a relationship if it becomes a problem and turns into controlling behavior.  If you have ever been jealous in a relationship, which we know everyone has, it makes you feel scared, insecure, and can feel like things are completely out of your control.  Sometimes your mind may run away with you as this little monster starts chattering away and telling you all of the worst things about what “your partner might be doing” and “with whom” he or she might be doing it. 

Here’s the newsflash, if you are the one feeling jealous, it is about you. Even if you feel like your mate is making you jealous, that may be kind of true in so far as a certain behavior that he or she does pushes your jealousy buttons.  But nobody can make anybody feel anything and your thoughts and feelings are your own, based on your own perception of your environment.  Jealousy is what can arise when a perceived rival is infringing on your relationship and potentially threatening what is yours. Now we’re not saying that you’re wrong in having those feelings or thoughts we are just saying that they are yours like it or not.  And given that they are yours you have the choice to act on them or not act on them. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is “doing something” that triggers you to think that he or she is not being honest then that is a sign to examine your own feelings and either resolve them with yourself or with your partner.  Jealousy in itself causes a great deal of inner turmoil and stems from insecurity so it can be a really useful feeling because it can tell you to work on your own sense of self.  If turned outward it can destroy a relationship so use it wisely and focus inward.

So what can you do about it? What do you do if you are the one feeling suspicious? What can you do if you are with a partner whose jealousy is on the road to destroying your relationship?

For starters take time and effort to nurture your relationship.

Decide whether or not you are going to act on any suspicions you are having. Don’t allow your thoughts to run away with you and go down the “what if…..” road.  Think calmly about what do and don’t know for a fact and then determine what you do want to say and how you want to say it.

When talking to your partner avoid accusatory statements like “You are doing…” or, “You are thinking…”  People don’t respond well at all when they are told what they are thinking or doing.  Instead start with a statement about how you feel when your partner says or does a particular behavior or how you feel or think about what is going on in your relationship.

Be specific when it comes to behaviors and avoid talking in general terms. Back your words up with specific instances so they can be addressed and your partner knows exactly what you mean.