Have you heard the term Serial Monogamist?  No?  This is an important term for you to understand if you are in the dating world because this style of dating and relationships could really get in your way if you are truly seeking a healthy, long-term relationship.

According to Urban Dictionary a Serial Monogamist is “A descriptor for a person who has commitment issues but does not engage in cheating or infidelity. A serial monogamist likes the emotional and physical intimacy of relationships and therefore seeks partners who want a long-term romantic relationship. A serial monogamist may or may not warn their partner about their fear of commitment. (Often the partners foolishly believe they will be able to change this about the serial monogamist.)
The relationship may be short-lived or it may last a few months to years, however the serial monogamist is always holding back and if the other partner in the romance pushes at all, the serial monogamist will end the relationship swiftly and often without emotion.”

According to Wikipedia Serial Monogamy “is characterized by a series of long- or short-term exclusive sexual relationships entered into consecutively over the lifespan.”

I got my education about this type of dater when I encountered and subsequently dated a Serial Monogamist.  When we met he was very engaging and actively pursued an exclusive relationship with me.  In retrospect, I realize he was very focused on our relationship becoming exclusive fairly quickly.  We did date exclusively for about 5 months at which point it became clear we wanted different things.  I was interested in the relationship naturally progressing forward and he wanted it to stay sort of frozen.  We parted ways and I came to find out this was a pattern of his.  He really liked the idea of a relationship and felt more comfortable in a relationship versus single.  He wanted the easy, fun aspects of a relationship but not the deeper commitment.

Is the answer yes if you ask yourself “am I a Serial Monogamist?”  Would you like to change this?  We have the guidelines and tips you need to move away from Serial Monogamy.

Get comfortable being on your own and stay away from phrasing this “alone.”  You are enough!  Getting involved with someone is not to complete you rather another person is to complement who you are.

Are you now questioning who you are without someone else?  This means it is time for you to get to know yourself.  Tune in to what makes you happy and how you like spending your time.  Try something new – take a class, go hiking, get involved with the community and figure out your “thing.”  This will also serve the purpose of creating opportunity to make new friends.

When a relationship ends take stock of why it didn’t work out.  Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and perhaps learn a little something from your Ex (see our previous post from earlier this month).  Be sure to give yourself time to grieve and heal before moving on to another relationship.

Slow down!  When you are ready to date after a break-up, take your time.  Don’t jump into an exclusive relationship with the first person you meet.  This is not a race to the finish line, nor is it about quantity.  Relationships are about quality and it takes time to establish if you have encountered quality in a new dating interest. 

Are you or do you know a Serial Monogamist?  Please share your experiences!

Summer is a great time of year for low-key fun.  It’s sunny and warm and people are generally feeling more easy-going.  The days are longer, we feel less rushed and most of us associate summer with childhood memories of months on end of playing.  Earlier this month we covered how to find romance during the summer.  We commented on how it is not a high pressure time since there aren’t any major holidays where you have to worry about introducing your new guy/girl to the whole family or how to choose the perfect gift.  Keep in mind though there is a really fun holiday mid-summer – Fourth of July!  This is a holiday that is sure to conjure up memories of apple pie, picnics, beach parties, cool wedges of watermelon, and of course sparklers!  What if you aren’t looking for romance because you have already found someone special?  Fourth of July can certainly be a very romantic holiday and we are going to tell you how to put the spark in this all-American day.  Follow these guidelines and your Fourth of July celebration will most definitely involve fireworks. 

1. Every community has some sort of festival on the 4th of July. Head down to your town’s “Main Street” and enjoy the celebration. Walk hand-in-hand through the crowd, share an ice cream or snow cone and just be kids again. Sit together on a blanket and watch the parade and exchange childhood stories of the 4th of July. Getting to know each other from the perspective of when you were kids will bring you closer.
2. Get in the water – take a dip in the lake, walk in the surf at the beach, swim in the community pool or have a water balloon fight. There is something fun and sexy about cooling off with some good clean fun with the object of your affection. Again, this type of playful activity will remind you of easy, low-stress times and that type of attitude helps you really enjoy simply being together.
3. What could be more romantic than snuggling under the stars watching fireworks? Find a spot off the beaten path, away from the crowds that has a good view of the big fireworks display in your area. Pack a picnic, a bottle of wine and a blanket and take in the best part of the night.
4. Enjoy the holiday at home in your own backyard or on your deck! Go traditional with barbeque and apple pie or perhaps make s’mores. If your city allows fireworks set a few off in your front yard and write your names in the air with sparklers.
5. Surprise your special girl with a bouquet of red, white and blue flowers! She’ll be touched! Be sure to pack his favorites in the picnic basket – he will notice!
6. Spend the day at the ballpark! If your local team has a home game on the 4th of July – go! You can’t get more American than a baseball game. Hearing the National Anthem is sure to put you in a patriotic mood. Head to the ballpark and enjoy some good old-fashioned fun. Many ballparks have spectacular fireworks displays to enjoy at the close of the game. After cheering on your team you’ll get some snuggle time under the stars watching the fireworks!

What are some romantic ways you have spent the 4th of July?  Please share your comments!

You and your sweetie have been dating exclusively for a year.  You have uttered the 3 scariest words in the English language – I love you – and you seem to spend all of your time together.  You would even venture to say that you feel your sweetie is your best friend.  Does this mean the next step is to move in together?  This subject of cohabitation can evoke very strong emotions and opinions depending on if you are the guy or the girl, the friends of the guy or the girl or the family of the guy or the girl.  It’s important to recognize that there is more to moving in together than “we love each other and spend all our time together anyway.”  Moving in together is a major lifestyle change!  We are going to help you navigate the best way to make this decision, including some of the differences for men and women regarding this potential relationship milestone.
A lot of people do live together these days saying they want to do this “first” prior to engagement or marriage.  It’s certainly easy to feel a significant amount of pressure to move in together feeling like that is a natural progression in a dating relationship or that is what you “should do” especially if you are considering engagement or marriage.  Conversely, you might feel pressure not to move in together based on the age old adage “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”  Mixed messages, great, huh?!
It is important to recognize that there isn’t a hard and fast rule of what you must do.  What’s important is to sort out what is the best decision for you and your main squeeze.  There are some good questions to ask yourselves in conversations together as well as in your own honest soul-searching.

What is the real reason of moving in together?  Is the focus that you just want to be together all the time?  Are you interested in having the experience of co-habitation without the commitment of marriage?  Is your desire to share your living arrangements based on saving money?  There is a lot to consider here.  Be honest with yourself as well with one another so that you are on the same page and come to a decision that is in both of your best interests.  Proceed with caution if the main motivation seems to be financial versus the potential emotional gains and desire to share more experiences.

Have you lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend previously?  What went well?  What was difficult for you? Why did you end that situation?  What would you do differently?  This is a great discussion to have with your current love.  Explore and share with each other because you will learn a lot about your partner and what is motivating his/her desire to move in together.  You may also discover reservations you or they might be having.

What are your expectations?  Are you expecting your boyfriend to want to get engaged after he has experienced how wonderful it is to live with you?  This is not a great reason to move in together!  It is based on an expectation that your boyfriend may not be intending or prepared to meet which is a recipe for disaster.  Do you expect your girlfriend to do all the housework?  Again, this is a recipe for disaster.  Be sure to address these subjects prior to signing a lease!

What does moving in together truly mean to each of you?  Do you see moving in together as a natural progression of a relationship after dating for a certain length of time?  Does it represent a higher level of commitment to you?  This is another great discussion for you and your boyfriend/girlfriend so that you can find out if you are on the same page.  Most of us attach some type of meaning to “living together.”

What are your ideas about how to handle finances?  Split everything 50/50?  He covers the rent and you cover everything else?   What if you go out?  Is it still a date where he picks up the tab or is it different now that you live together?  What if one of you makes significantly more money than the other?  What’s the approach going to be if one of you loses their job?  Hmmm, this could get pretty tangled up if you don’t hash it out ahead of time.  One of the topics couples fight about the most is money so be careful here.  Be clear, honest and up front BEFORE you make the decision to move in together.

My experience you ask?  What’s my opinion about living together?  Well, I moved in with one boyfriend after two years of dating.  We had lengthy conversations about marriage, and the plan was we were moving in that direction.  We broke up, but living together was what really helped me see why a life-long relationship with this person wasn’t going to work.  Based on that, I feel that although the relationship ended it was a good decision to move in together.  My husband and I did not live together prior to marriage and it was a conscious decision not to.  We decided that if were ready to live together we were probably ready to get married and felt that living together might lead to getting complacent and just prolong the dating process and put off marriage.  We truly saw eye to eye on that.  So, having said all of that, I guess you can see that I could argue both sides . . . perhaps moving in with my former boyfriend was a way of putting off marriage because maybe we both knew in our heart of hearts that this wasn’t going to be a “forever” relationship?  Well, we will never know . . .

What have your experiences been with living with a romantic partner?  Please share your comments!

Even if your boyfriend is completely over his ex-girlfriend (and we hope he is if he is with you) sometimes it’s tough for us to avoid comparing or even asking questions about HER, and if she is still in the picture ie., they are still friends, then getting over that relationship is even tougher. And like it or not even if you haven’t had to deal with an ex-girlfriend in one of your relationships sooner or later you will have to and we are here to help you through it!

If you need to ask questions about his ex for some reason then keep them specific and brief. Remember the reason for the question and if it doesn’t serve a real purpose to know then don’t ask.

Avoid comparing yourself to her, even if your competitive nature drives you to it. Remind yourself that he is with you and not with her and that is what really matters.

If you are feeling a little insecure about his ex then don’t be afraid to share your feelings with your boyfriend. Let him know that you are feeling a little insecure and allow him to reassure you that you are the one he loves and not her. Sometimes a little reassurance can go a long way.

Don’t obsess over her or their relationship. That can be crazy-making for you and will come out in some way shape or form in your relationship. If you are intensely jealous and freaking out over her with your boyfriend that will definitely be a turn-off.

Don’t try to figure out “why” you might feel jealous or curious about her. It’s perfectly normal to have questions about your boyfriend’s ex and many of those random thoughts include questions like “Was he in love with her? What did she look like? Did he love her more than me? Was she prettier than me? Why did they break up?” and so on. The less you know the more curious you may be but that doesn’t mean you need to go on a quest to find out more information about her or her relationship with your man. Don’t beat yourself up for having the thoughts you have, they are just harmless thoughts that are perfectly normal. Allow yourself to have them but then let them pass without trying to figure out the answers. This may seem tough at first but eventually you will stop thinking about her as you continue having a great relationship.

Please share any stories you have about dealing with your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend!

Do you ever wonder, “Why am I dating him?” He doesn’t seem to treat you right or as well as your friends boyfriends seem to treat them, he doesn’t follow through with what he promises, or he does follow through with what he promises he just promises things that you don’t want like “every weekend involves his friends.” But for some reason you stay with him even though you get disappointed again and again. There are many reasons why women stay in relationships and not all of them are for the right reasons. If you ask yourself the question “Why am I still with him?” then you should read on because we are here to help you figure it out and make the right choices for the right reasons. Here are some common reasons why women stick with the wrong guy and can’t seem to let him go.

1. He will change. Yes this is one of the most common reasons why women stick around. Women who think their man is going to become the guy they want him to be are waiting for a miracle and it just won’t happen. If he does change then it will only happen after you leave him (see our blog “Why do I keep having relationships with guys who marry other women.”)
2. He has potential. If you are staying with your boyfriend because he is a work in progress and just needs to improve a little then you are with the wrong guy. He is either not able to or not at a place in his life to become the man you want him to be. Potential is useless unless it becomes reality so step aside and continue with your life, if he reaches that potential then he has your number and can call you.
3. You are afraid that if you leave him you will miss him and regret it. Well we can tell you that you will miss him because that is just a natural occurrence when people break up. People feel loss, even if the other person was a jerk, you will still only focus on the loss which makes you miss him. As far as regret goes, well unless you believe that there is only one soul mate out there for you most people don’t regret breaking up with another person. They may feel like they made a mistake until they meet the next right person. Regret is usually felt after being in the wrong relationship for too many years and realizing that you blew your shot and didn’t trust your gut when it told you to leave. You typically will feel regret when something that goes against your intuition, for example fear of being alone, prevents you from doing what you know you need to do.
4. You are caught up in the challenge of getting him to “really want you.” Often women, and men for that matter, get caught up in the challenge of the chase, even with their significant others. They may feel like they care about the other person more than the other person cares about them and that can make anyone want their mate more. Just be careful that you don’t get so caught up in the fight that you forget all about the prize because if you win it, you better want it!
5. Things used to be so perfect and now he seems to be so different. Sometimes we get caught up in the past and think “Things used to be so great and now he has changed. I know he will change back into the guy I used to love if I am patient and understanding.” Even if “what used to be” was great the reality is that right now is not so great. In order for something to change you need to change it and so does he. So unless you take action and address the problem head on things will either stay the same or decline, but they won’t get better.

Are you going through a break up (or separation) and want your relationship back? If you keep trying to get back together and it’s not working then stop doing whatever it is that isn’t working and either move on, or try a different approach.

Here are several of the most common tactics that the either the “dumper” or “dumpee” take after realizing that they want to get back together with their ex and we are here to tell you that these just don’t work. If you are doing any of them and think “well in my situation it’s different” forget it, things won’t work out and if anything may push your “ex” in the opposite direction.

1. The extra “nice guy” or “nice girl” approach. You decide to go overboard in the “nice” department and kill him or her with kindness trying to win your ex back. The “extra nice ex” will do things like offer to clean his or her house, do his or her laundry, bring him or her lunch each day, etc. The super nice ex won’t win any brownie points because “Too nice is a turn off”; yes it’s true, even in the beginning of a relationship. So why would you resort to using a tactic when your relationship is ending when it doesn’t work at the best of times?
2. The plan to convince or argue with your ex that the two of you are meant to be together. There is no way you can convince another person that they need to understand the two of you are meant to be together. You can try logic, analogies, pleading and begging and you will not be back together. No one can be truly convinced that what he or she feels about another person is wrong. It’s not like you are going to come up with the perfect reason why the two of you should be together and create this “aha” moment for your ex by bringing up a brilliant reason that he or she didn’t think of, it just doesn’t happen.
3. The “we’ll just be friends now and see what happens” approach. Don’t kid yourself in thinking that if you hang around and be his or her friend that somehow he or she will realize what a catch you still are and say, “what was I thinking? we definitely need to be back together. ” It doesn’t happen; because there is no way your ex can miss you if you won’t leave.
4. The “sex with your ex” approach. There’s really not a lot to say about why this doesn’t work, it just doesn’t. You may rationalize it all you want but it will get you nowhere other than maybe farther away from going down the road to meet the person you are supposed to be dating.
5. Trying to make your ex jealous in order to win him or her back. Although this can happen naturally it won’t work if your plan is to fake a connection with another person for the sole purpose of winning your ex back. Even though we have seen it in the movies, rarely does it even work on the big screen. Typically if you start to see someone else and your ex becomes jealous Murphy’s Law says that at that point it’s too late because you probably aren’t interested in your ex anymore. Don’t get us wrong, this isn’t always the case but we can tell you that faking some kind of attraction usually backfires and you normally end up with nothing. You are either too obvious and it doesn’t work; or if it does and you win your ex back then he or she is more caught up in the competition than his or her attraction to you and you are destined for the “re-break-up.” Or if you resort to this kind of manipulation without addressing the reason why the relationship didn’t work in the first place you will just end up in a recycled bad relationship.

Even though you may really miss your ex and feel like you can’t imagine a life without him or her you need to keep in mind that there are plenty of people out there wanting to date you and to be in a relationship. However, if you do want to try to make things work again with your ex then approach the decision honestly with both yourself and you’re ex. Talk about whether the problems are fixable, and if they are worth fixing. Get a little distance, time and space, in order for your emotions to settle and so your head can clear a little before making any decisions about giving it another chance. You owe it to both of you otherwise you may get so caught up in the fight for your relationship that you actually forget about the prize.

You are on cloud 9!  You have met someone great, enjoyed several AMAZING dates, and you can tell he/she really likes you too.  The thought “this could be the one” has occurred to you.  You feel things progressing forward.  Everything is perfect, right?  Wrong!  Nagging at the back of your mind is that sensitive subject you need to bring up sooner versus later, before things get too serious.  It’s that very personal something about you that you always struggle with when is it the “right” time to share.  This might be something like you have HPV or herpes, or you have a mental illness for which you take medication and/or see a therapist.  It has occurred to me to write about this subject because several people have shared it is a struggle to broach such subjects.

For example, one individual told me he shies away from dating anyone new so he can avoid telling a potential girlfriend that he has herpes.  He maintains a less than ideal dating relationship with someone he knows isn’t really right for him because she knows he has herpes and was very accepting of him when he told her about it.  Long-term, this type of arrangement is going to leave this person feeling very dissatisfied in the relationship and it is clearly getting in the way of him of meeting someone who would potentially be a better match.  Another individual shared she keeps it a secret that she sees a therapist and takes medication.  This individual has kept this under wraps for quite some time and is in a serious, committed relationship.  She is worried about her boyfriend’s reaction and feels it is better not to tell him.  Because of this she is often in the position of lying about where she is going.  She is running the risk of her boyfriend being very upset one day when he eventually finds out somehow.  He might feel betrayed or feel she is hiding other important information from him.  In addition, she is robbing herself of the opportunity of having his support in this area of her life.

These are difficult subjects to approach in a dating relationship but overall it is better to be honest.  Honesty is the best foundation for a successful relationship.  Also, keeping something a secret gives the impression that it is something negative you are “hiding” and can make it bigger than it needs to be.  Often the fear of sharing this sensitive something is worse than actually saying it out loud.  Here are some suggestions to help you down this path.

Be sure to wait until after at least 3 or 4 dates, let the relationship develop enough so that you feel pretty confident it is going to continue.  No sense in sharing this with someone you are only marginally interested in and are probably going to stop dating anyway.

Remember that the two of you are interested in each other for a multitude of reasons.  What you are going to share does not negate any of your positive qualities and characteristics.  This is just one part of you that is important for your partner to know.  Put yourself in his/her shoes and more than likely you would want to know.

Be prepared.  Gather some facts about what it is you are going to share so you can provide accurate information and answer questions.

Don’t be melodramatic.  This is not a confession or a lecture.  Avoid using primarily negative terms and references.  Be sure to give the positives like your condition is treatable and progress you have made.  It will be very encouraging to your date to know you have been symptom free for 3 years!

Run this through with a trusted friend who already knows your situation.  Get a little feedback about how you come across so you can put your best foot forward in this conversation.

Avoid certain situations – on your way to your first romantic get-away, in a party or bar scene, after consuming a significant amount of alcohol or just before you are going to be sexually intimate.  Consider a mellow evening at home, a quiet table at a low-key restaurant or coffee house or while taking a walk.

How have you shared something sensitive or very personal with a potential girlfriend/boyfriend?  Please share your experiences!  You will be helping a lot of individuals who struggle with this situation.

That green eyed monster of jealousy, as it’s lovingly called, can make or break a relationship if it becomes a problem and turns into controlling behavior.  If you have ever been jealous in a relationship, which we know everyone has, it makes you feel scared, insecure, and can feel like things are completely out of your control.  Sometimes your mind may run away with you as this little monster starts chattering away and telling you all of the worst things about what “your partner might be doing” and “with whom” he or she might be doing it. 

Here’s the newsflash, if you are the one feeling jealous, it is about you. Even if you feel like your mate is making you jealous, that may be kind of true in so far as a certain behavior that he or she does pushes your jealousy buttons.  But nobody can make anybody feel anything and your thoughts and feelings are your own, based on your own perception of your environment.  Jealousy is what can arise when a perceived rival is infringing on your relationship and potentially threatening what is yours. Now we’re not saying that you’re wrong in having those feelings or thoughts we are just saying that they are yours like it or not.  And given that they are yours you have the choice to act on them or not act on them. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is “doing something” that triggers you to think that he or she is not being honest then that is a sign to examine your own feelings and either resolve them with yourself or with your partner.  Jealousy in itself causes a great deal of inner turmoil and stems from insecurity so it can be a really useful feeling because it can tell you to work on your own sense of self.  If turned outward it can destroy a relationship so use it wisely and focus inward.

So what can you do about it? What do you do if you are the one feeling suspicious? What can you do if you are with a partner whose jealousy is on the road to destroying your relationship?

For starters take time and effort to nurture your relationship.

Decide whether or not you are going to act on any suspicions you are having. Don’t allow your thoughts to run away with you and go down the “what if…..” road.  Think calmly about what do and don’t know for a fact and then determine what you do want to say and how you want to say it.

When talking to your partner avoid accusatory statements like “You are doing…” or, “You are thinking…”  People don’t respond well at all when they are told what they are thinking or doing.  Instead start with a statement about how you feel when your partner says or does a particular behavior or how you feel or think about what is going on in your relationship.

Be specific when it comes to behaviors and avoid talking in general terms. Back your words up with specific instances so they can be addressed and your partner knows exactly what you mean.

Okay, let’s admit it, girls and guys do want the same thing, usually that is, but for some reason we hit a wall when it comes to talking about relationships.  Case in point, “my friend” asked me “Why do guys draw a blank when you ask them “What do you think about us?”  I reply, “Usually they think it’s a set-up question and say, “Uhh, I think we’re good.” And then he changes the subject, or the TV channel, end of conversation.  So there is a difference between the way girls talk and the way guys talk. 

Guy Talk

If you are a girl and want to get through to your boyfriend about something important you need to be calm, matter of fact, and specific.  The more emotional you become the more he will shut down and tune out.  A question like “What are thinking about us and our relationship?” will confuse your guy and will not get any kind of answer you want.  Be calm and specific and brief.  For example, if you want to know whether he sees a future for the two of you then ask him specifically that and you should get a yes or no answer which is what you want.  If you get more than that then that would be a bonus. 

Don’t beat around the bush or drop hints.  If you aren’t getting to the point quickly enough not only will he lose interest but also you will also not come across as confident in yourself or your own voice.

After you the response you want, move on to a different topic.  If you do this he will be reassured that not every serious conversation will drag on and will be more likely to be open to serious conversations in the future.

Girl Talk

If you are a guy and want to talk to your girlfriend about something that’s important to you it’s okay to show emotion and express your feelings.  Girls do like it when they’re significant others talk about their feelings about them and the future so talk away!

If you’re girlfriend looks upset i.e., angry try avoid the temptation to ask, “What’s wrong?”  This is where a lot of guys get into trouble.  Usually the response you will get is “nothing” and that is probably not true.  If you push, that “nothing” will become louder and angrier.  It’s weird, we know it, but it is what we do and we are working on it! Instead of asking, “what’s wrong?” ask, “How are you feeling?”  This will allow your girlfriend to open up about what she is feeling in that moment and will also tell her that you aren’t trying to “fix” the problem but merely care about what she is experiencing at that moment.  And be careful not to assume it’s about you.  It could be a bad day at work, or problems with a friend so just open the door to let your girlfriend talk about what she is feeling at that moment. Then, don’t try to fix it and whatever you do, don’t tell her that she shouldn’t feel that way or that “everything will be okay.” Typically guys like to fix things and girls often like to process their feelings without necessarily looking for a “fix” so don’t offer a solution unless she asks for one. Just listen and validate. Say things like “I understand how that can make you feel” even if you don’t understand completely say it anyway.  This will show her that you are listening to her and sympathetic to her emotions and sometimes that alone is all a girl wants.

The goal is for both guy and girl to be able to talk and to be heard by one another in order to make the most of their relationship.

Saying “I’m sorry” comes so easily when you accidentally bump into someone or interrupt someone in conversation.  What makes it so difficult to say “I’m sorry” to your romantic partner?  The top three obstacles are:
Pride:  it’s really tough to admit when we have messed up.
Anger:   There is a likelihood that the messing up was a two person event.  It’s hard to get past what offended you to make an apology, especially if you are still upset and perhaps you are the first to say “I’m sorry.”
Embarrassment:   If it was a major mess up or bonehead move and technically we know better, it is that much more difficult to admit it to the person you let down or hurt.  In this type of situation we tend to wish it would just go away.
Okay, so, you are human and you screwed up.  It’s time to say “I’m sorry.”  The sooner the better since the longer you wait the more difficult it gets and the more awkward it will feel.

How to do it best:

1. Be honest and true! Admit that you made a mistake. Let your partner know that you are genuinely sorry and in no way did you intend to hurt them. Be sure to let your partner know what you are sorry for. It is important to own the incident! Let your partner see your vulnerable side and hear the sincerity in your voice.
2. Offer an explanation (if one exists). Be factual and truthful about what happened. Do your best to explain what you were thinking when you made the mistake.
3. Be willing to answer questions and listen. This could be very difficult but when someone is hurt they often need to ask questions. Do your best to be patient and answer what is asked as well as hear your partner out when they express their upset.
4. Give your partner some space. If the mistake was a pretty big deal your partner may need time to think it over, sift through their feelings and heal. This is another time where it is important to be patient! Don’t pester your partner for an answer about forgiveness, let them come to you. If you push you may be disappointed by the answer you receive.

What NOT to do:

1. Do not say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This is basically blaming the person you wronged for being upset about your mistake! If you are not sorry for your behavior, don’t apologize. If you are, own it and say what you are sorry for (see above tips).
2. Do not apologize via text, email or a post-it note! Come on! You already screwed up once! Be a grown up and say you are sorry face to face looking the person in the eye. For an apology to feel sincere it is best for it to be in person.
3. Do not pressure for or assume forgiveness. For example, “I’m sorry but I know you are a reasonable person and I’m sure you will forgive me. This is likely to irritate the person further.
4. Don’t avoid the issue by saying “I’m sorry I upset you” or “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.” Again, it is important to be specific and say what you are really sorry for.
5. Do not make excuses in the form of “I’m sorry, but I was drunk.” Own the mistake. Acknowledge that the alcohol basically gave you the courage to do something stupid and regretful; it did not make the mistake for you.

What have your experiences been with giving or receiving apologies?  Please post your comments!