When it comes to marriage, there are so many opinions out there; it is hard to determine what is a reasonable view and expectation in the context of a long-term relationship.  What I’m talking about here is when it makes sense to discuss the possibility of marriage.  When is too soon and when does it become something you are trying to avoid?  The answer to this is influenced by several factors including but not limited to age, gender, ethnicity, family of origin and society.  Contrary to popular belief there is not a set timeline on this one.  There are however several aspects of you and your relationship that it is advisable to consider and review prior to taking this big step forward with this person who is currently your one and only.

Remember, marriage is truly a life-altering decision.  It is important you are ready for that as an individual.  It is also important your relationship is ready.  Although there is no set timeline that must be followed, I believe prior to considering marriage these are some basic areas worth evaluating:

1. Ask yourself “could I survive if this relationship ended?” I know this seems like a strange question since the subject here is marriage, but what I’m getting at is “do you feel self-sufficient?” or are you looking for someone to “complete you?” If it is the latter, I recommend you back off of the marriage idea for a while until you feel you are a complete person on your own. Marriage should be something you desire versus something you have to have or you won’t survive.
2. Experience each season of the year with someone – you will see how you both function at different times of the year. You will also go through all of the holidays together. These are great ways to get to know each other on a deeper level and have some true life experiences.
3. Go on a vacation together of at least one week in length – this is a wonderful way to get to know your partner over an extended period of time. You will get a better idea of each other’s day to day habits. Typically some small stressful moments come up in a vacation like getting lost or having a delay at the airport. Seeing how your partner handles such mishaps can be really telling for the long-term.
4. Meet one another’s families – no, you are not marrying his/her family but family is where we come from so get to know them and see how you feel around his/her family. How does your partner get along with his/her family? Is there tension? Are they close? Whatever you experience be sure to explore it with your partner so you get a clear picture.
5. Face a significant challenge together – how well do the two of you work together? Who takes the lead? What is the natural flow when there is an obstacle in life? Does your partner face it head-on or does he/she withdraw? Can you depend on one another for support? Probably good to know since over a lifetime of a marriage there are many challenges!
6. Discuss your morals and values with your partner. Do they line up? No? This could be a major problem down the road. Have enough discussion about this to feel confident you are on the same page and can continue or perhaps come to the conclusion it is better you call it quits.

You have checked all these off of your list?  Okay, then you sound like you are ready to have some initial conversations with your partner about marriage!

You and your sweetie have been dating exclusively for a year.  You have uttered the 3 scariest words in the English language – I love you – and you seem to spend all of your time together.  You would even venture to say that you feel your sweetie is your best friend.  Does this mean the next step is to move in together?  This subject of cohabitation can evoke very strong emotions and opinions depending on if you are the guy or the girl, the friends of the guy or the girl or the family of the guy or the girl.  It’s important to recognize that there is more to moving in together than “we love each other and spend all our time together anyway.”  Moving in together is a major lifestyle change!  We are going to help you navigate the best way to make this decision, including some of the differences for men and women regarding this potential relationship milestone.
A lot of people do live together these days saying they want to do this “first” prior to engagement or marriage.  It’s certainly easy to feel a significant amount of pressure to move in together feeling like that is a natural progression in a dating relationship or that is what you “should do” especially if you are considering engagement or marriage.  Conversely, you might feel pressure not to move in together based on the age old adage “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”  Mixed messages, great, huh?!
It is important to recognize that there isn’t a hard and fast rule of what you must do.  What’s important is to sort out what is the best decision for you and your main squeeze.  There are some good questions to ask yourselves in conversations together as well as in your own honest soul-searching.

What is the real reason of moving in together?  Is the focus that you just want to be together all the time?  Are you interested in having the experience of co-habitation without the commitment of marriage?  Is your desire to share your living arrangements based on saving money?  There is a lot to consider here.  Be honest with yourself as well with one another so that you are on the same page and come to a decision that is in both of your best interests.  Proceed with caution if the main motivation seems to be financial versus the potential emotional gains and desire to share more experiences.

Have you lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend previously?  What went well?  What was difficult for you? Why did you end that situation?  What would you do differently?  This is a great discussion to have with your current love.  Explore and share with each other because you will learn a lot about your partner and what is motivating his/her desire to move in together.  You may also discover reservations you or they might be having.

What are your expectations?  Are you expecting your boyfriend to want to get engaged after he has experienced how wonderful it is to live with you?  This is not a great reason to move in together!  It is based on an expectation that your boyfriend may not be intending or prepared to meet which is a recipe for disaster.  Do you expect your girlfriend to do all the housework?  Again, this is a recipe for disaster.  Be sure to address these subjects prior to signing a lease!

What does moving in together truly mean to each of you?  Do you see moving in together as a natural progression of a relationship after dating for a certain length of time?  Does it represent a higher level of commitment to you?  This is another great discussion for you and your boyfriend/girlfriend so that you can find out if you are on the same page.  Most of us attach some type of meaning to “living together.”

What are your ideas about how to handle finances?  Split everything 50/50?  He covers the rent and you cover everything else?   What if you go out?  Is it still a date where he picks up the tab or is it different now that you live together?  What if one of you makes significantly more money than the other?  What’s the approach going to be if one of you loses their job?  Hmmm, this could get pretty tangled up if you don’t hash it out ahead of time.  One of the topics couples fight about the most is money so be careful here.  Be clear, honest and up front BEFORE you make the decision to move in together.

My experience you ask?  What’s my opinion about living together?  Well, I moved in with one boyfriend after two years of dating.  We had lengthy conversations about marriage, and the plan was we were moving in that direction.  We broke up, but living together was what really helped me see why a life-long relationship with this person wasn’t going to work.  Based on that, I feel that although the relationship ended it was a good decision to move in together.  My husband and I did not live together prior to marriage and it was a conscious decision not to.  We decided that if were ready to live together we were probably ready to get married and felt that living together might lead to getting complacent and just prolong the dating process and put off marriage.  We truly saw eye to eye on that.  So, having said all of that, I guess you can see that I could argue both sides . . . perhaps moving in with my former boyfriend was a way of putting off marriage because maybe we both knew in our heart of hearts that this wasn’t going to be a “forever” relationship?  Well, we will never know . . .

What have your experiences been with living with a romantic partner?  Please share your comments!

Why does it always seem like I’m the one who “make’s my boyfriend into Mr. Right” for some other girl? Does it seem like you are asking yourself this question on more than one occasion? Does it seem like you are always the one in a long term relationship, going through a break-up after your guy says “I’m not ready for a commitment” only to see him a few months later getting married to someone else?  If so, you aren’t alone, believe me.  The reasons why this happens can be a little blurry but if we think about it we might discover a pattern so that we don’t feeling completely at the mercy of cupid’s wrath!

First of all, did you really want him to be “Mr. Right (for you that is) anyway?” If not then you should consider the fact that if you weren’t wanting something permanent then what were you getting out of the relationship?  If you were the one that ended it then the point is moot but what if you weren’t the one to end it?  If you were in it for a good time and not a long time then maybe this was the message you gave without realizing it and that’s why it eventually ended, because it was bound to anyway. Sometimes the messages we send in relationships are unconscious and what we want or even fear comes out in our actions.  For example, if we are fearful of a commitment based upon relationship history or other “baggage” you may be distant in your current relationship.  If you are overly afraid of abandonment, again probably due to history, that too can come out in your present relationship as clingy, possessive, etc. and that too can push your partner away.

If you did want it to last maybe the two of you just weren’t a good match.  That doesn’t mean you weren’t a good match for the short-term it just means that it wasn’t meant to be forever.  Not every relationship is meant to last a lifetime, even the good ones.  If only bad relationships ended in break-ups then quite honestly there would never be a term like “first love” or “the loves of my life” or “summer romance” etc.  

Maybe you were “too good at being a good girlfriend.”  Allow me to explain: you say you aren’t going to change him, but try you do!  You decide that he needs a different wardrobe so you ever so-slowly buy him new clothes or take him shopping.  You then teach him the art of chivalry, talking about his feelings, validating yours etc. and even as he protests your help you subtly work your magic.  Well, your magic can work too well, and magically sends him walking – walking into the waiting arms of some other well-deserving bride-to-be.  Congratulations you just made your boyfriend into a wonderful husband for someone else, and where’s your thank-you card?

Whatever the reason for the pattern it still can sting when you get that call from either your ex or one of your well-wishing friends, or even an update on Facebook that says “I’m getting married!” First of all, as an aside, you should always “de-friend” your ex to prevent updates that you aren’t prepared for from happening, and being friends with your ex can be risky anyway.  But once the bell is rung it can’t be un-rung so suck it up sister and think to yourself, “Maybe there is another wonderful woman out there right now preparing her boyfriend to be my Mr. Right! (we love good karma!)