We’ve talked a lot about what it means to be in an exclusive relationship, how to have that conversation about “not seeing other people” and being in a committed relationship. However, there isn’t a lot being said about “open relationships or non-exclusive relationships” and the standards that help make them work versus fail miserably. Let me clarify the differency between “casually dating” and a “non-exclusive relationship.” Casually dating is what people do usually when they first meet one another. During the dating process inevitably two people will either gravitate closer together or apart if it’s just not working out. At some point down the road the conversation “to be exclusive or not” needs to occur for the casually dating couple to graduate into an actual relationship or the relationship will end. Not every couple wants to have the committment of exclusivity based on their beliefs or situation in life but regardless that dreaded conversation about “what are we?” has to occur.

Believe it or not many people do have non-exclusive relationships that work out quite well for them and most of those relationships at least work in part due to standards and expectations that are discussed and respected throughout the relationship. Generally these are the Do’s and Don’ts in making your relationship work.

Don’t make assumptions. First of all don’t assume that your relationship is exclusive if you haven’t had any type of conversation about “not dating other people.” The reverse is true; if you haven’t talked about it then it’s best to assume that your mate may be seeing other people. If you are okay with that situation because it gives you complete freedom to do what you want when you want to without question then you don’t need to say a word. If you aren’t then it’s time to speak up and be honest about what you want in your relationship.

Don’t try to make your partner jealous. This can easily happen anyway and is very common in relationships that are not based on fidelity. Jealousy is something you will have to deal with anyway in a non-exclusive relationship and it can be really tough. But if you are trying to make your mate jealous then you are needing something else from him or her and it’s better to examine that than to sabotage your relationship.

Be honest but be discreet. Yes you can be honest but also respectful when it comes to sharing too much information. It’s crucial that both you and your partner are honest about the fact that you both can date other people but you also don’t want to rub your partner’s face in it. For example, don’t give a show of public affection with your date of the evening at a restaurant that you and your partner frequent as regulars.

Always use protection. Yes it goes without saying that everyone should practice safe sex but lack of protection is a deal-breaker in a non-exclusive relationship. If you know that your partner can or is seeing other people and is non-monogamous then both of you need to agree without question that condoms are required, always, no excuses.

Make sure that you both agree on what you expect and want out of the relationship and that you are being honest not only with your partner but first and foremost with yourself.

If you are in or have been in a non-exclusive but serious relationship please share your story with us. As always please feel free to post any comments as well.

“Now it seems to me, some fine things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you can’t get.” Eagles

This is just one line from the famous song by the Eagles “Desperado” but it does sum up the many situations some singles that are dating find themselves in, and I think we’ve all been there. Let’s face it, no one wants to looks desperate or come across as needy or eager to date. Yet both men and women can fall into dating patterns that make them look needy or desperate despite their best efforts to remain confident and secure. Below are some definite signs that you are appearing desperate to your potential mate:

Someone who is desperate is always available. Whenever he or she calls or texts you are ready, willing, and able to get together even if it means canceling the plans you’ve already made.

The desperate dater is the one always-initiating contact. Sometimes one person initiates a little more than the other but if you feel like it is always you initiating the text, the call, etc. then chances are you are acting desperate and you will feel it in your gut.

You minimize all of the poor treatment you receive from the person you are dating. You know that you have things that you want from the person you are dating that are pretty consistent to what other people get but for some reason it’s not happening for you. For example, you never forget his birthday or his gift but he skips right over yours. You rationalize by saying something like “Well he has a lot on his plate right now and it just slipped by him, really it’s not like him so he must be pretty stressed.”

Some who looks desperate is always in agreement with what the other person says or does or wants to do. Whatever your “like interest” wants to do you’re game and you have no ideas of your own, especially if they are different. You don’t want to rock the boat so you just defer to him or her and are up for whatever they want. Caution here, the one thing we hear most people say bugs them in a relationship is being with someone who doesn’t appear to have a mind of their own and never has an opinion i.e. will say something like “I’ll do whatever you want to do, or eat wherever you want to eat…etc.”

The desperate dater feels like he or she is the one who cares more about the person he or she is dating on a constant basis. If you are questioning the level of interest on the other person’s part and feel like you are definitely more “into him or her than he or she is into you” then it’s time to take a closer look at your possibly desperate behaviors and pull back a little.

Now these are just some basics when it comes to dating when desperate but hopefully they can help you take a close look at what you want and what you are doing so that if you need to make changes you can do them quickly to better your dating experience!

Most of us are familiar with the term “cougar” as it is used in the dating world. A “cougar” can be summarized as being an older woman 40+, who is single, financially independent, and has a preference for dating younger men. This isn’t the Wikipedia definition by it basically summarizes the term.

Being a cougar shouldn’t be viewed as a “negative” quality and there are some pretty decent benefits to having the cougar status and embracing it.

Typically younger men don’t carry as much baggage as older men, which is just based on the fact that they haven’t lived enough years to acquire the extensive baggage ie. an ex-wife, kids, “repeated end of relationships scars” etc. If you are looking for a casual relationship then the less baggage you have to deal with the better.

Maturity level aside (age isn’t always consistent with maturity) younger men can be more spontaneous. Again baggage may a contributing factor when it comes to one’s ability to be spontaneous. Also, younger men are still looking out for what life has to offer and tend to want to seize the moment, try new things, and be spontaneous.

Younger men are usually more active and energetic. This can be of significant benefit if you are an older woman who is very active and have high energy. Older men are more likely to have an increase in physical limitations that just come with age that generally happen more quickly in life as opposed to women. In line with a higher level of energy is also a naturally higher sex drive. It’s unfortunate that as a woman hits her 30’s her sex drive starts to peak but a man’s sex drive peaks on average 10 years prior to that. However, for the older woman dating the younger man this can be a definite bonus!

Younger men often like to impress older women. We aren’t quite sure why this is so and are hesitant to get too Freudian in the “why’s” but it is what it is and this can be of great benefit to an older woman. What woman doesn’t want to be impressed and flattered by a younger man’s eagerness to please?

Advice

Since we have covered some benefits to being a cougar we also have some tips to make the most of your cougar experience.

Stay confident and allow your younger man to chase you. Just because you are a cougar doesn’t mean you need to be the one doing the chasing. All men like to pursue and since you are a busy, independent woman you really shouldn’t be easily available. And, avoid the “booty call.” You don’t want to fall into the reputation of the “older woman who is always available when he calls at midnight.”

Stay true to your deal breakers when it comes to dating all men,  younger men included. Deal breakers are applicable with everyone you date. Make sure he respects where you are at in your life, your obligations, and busy schedule and if he doesn’t then move on.

Make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to the relationship and expectations. If it’s casual then both of you need to recognizing that it’s casual, and if you are looking for more then make that clear as well.

There are definite “pluses” when it comes to being an older woman who is dating a younger man and the benefits go both ways for both guy and girl, so have fun and happy hunting

Many women, and men for that matter, end up stuck in a relationship that is really not a good one. We talk about the importance of have your “deal breakers” and “relationship requirements” and typically these can be different for different people. However, after talking to many, many singles about what they need in a partner there are several qualities of healthy relationships that are pretty universal; here are our top 5:

1. You bring out the best attributes in one another. You compliment (not necessarily compliment) each other and try to give support without judgment. You don’t compete for attention or compete with one another in a way that can bring one another down. Fun competition is just that, fun. If it becomes more than that then your relationship has a problem.

2. You know that you are at the top of your partner’s list of priorities, or are at least one of two priorities (if he or she has a child that’s usually number one). You are considerate of your partner when it comes to making choices that will affect both of you.

3. You feel safe with one another and trust each other. Jealousy is sparse or at least pretty insignificant and you are considerate of one another’s space without being jealous or second guessing the relationship.

4. You have fun together. You don’t always need other people with the two of you to have a good time. This doesn’t mean that you need to be together 24/7 but when you are together you truly enjoy each other’s company.

5. You share the same basic core values. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree on everything but your values and beliefs are in line with one another.

Of course there are many important qualities of a good relationship but these top 5 are a good start!

The phrase “Friends with Benefits” is basically defined as two “pals” or acquaintances that agree either verbally or non-verbally to have sex occasionally with one another without pursuing any kind of “romantic” relationship. The term eludes to casual sex for the sake of convenience and nothing more. The idea is that this provides a “safe, risk-free physical relationship” so that one’s physical needs can be met without anyone getting hurt. But is this really true? Is it risk-free? Are we sure that no one gets hurt? And does one person tend to benefit more than the other? Well we decided to get the guy’s view on this topic as well as the girl’s and see what pros and cons both genders have on the “Friends with Benefits” (FWB) relationship.

First of all here are some of the rules we discovered:

1. No obligation, expectations, or commitment.

2. The relationship is not exclusive and either party can see whomever else they choose because you are just “friends with a perk.”

3. Avoid spending the night and leaving items behind.

4. Be safe, i.e. condoms and forms of birth control.

5. Agree that neither of you are wanting a boyfriend or a girlfriend at this time.

6. Do not date one another. FWB are just that, which means no dating, or courting one another, period.

A common theme we noticed in the majority of women and men we talked to was that the “friends with benefits” situation was one that pretty much all have experienced at least once in their lives.

He Said

The Benefits: No expensive dates including dinners, trips, etc. The rules of the FWB agreement prohibit this, which is a relief for many guys who aren’t looking for a girlfriend.

You don’t have to worry about being accountable to a girl when it comes to how often you spend time with your friends and not with her.

You get the benefit of sex on a more frequent basis than if you didn’t have the FWB relationship without feeling tied down.

You can call her last minute (but be respectful to make it not too much like a booty call) to “hook up” and probably not get the third degree about it.

The Risks: One of you may start having feelings for the other and it isn’t always the girl. When this happens, and it does frequently, things get complicated pretty fast.

Am I being honest with myself? Is this really what I want right now or am I wanting something more with this girl, or just avoiding even the possibility of a commitment with someone else because this seems safer? Even though the FWB situation seems pretty convenient it’s still important to make sure that it is really what you want or if it is a way of avoiding a real relationship. We won’t get into those possible reasons in this posting but it’s safe to say that it is important to evaluate what you really want from this kind of relationship.

She Said

The benefits: The freedom to have sex with someone with whom you feel pretty safe (because you know him) yet aren’t tied down with expectations or risk having to deal with a controlling boyfriend. This can be especially true if you are a girl who has been in a relationship that was controlling or even abusive and the thought of starting another committed relationship is a little scary, yet the biology of hormones and maybe the desire for male companionship is something you want.

The Risks: Simply put “a broken heart.” Like it or not many women find it difficult to separate sex from an emotional connection and typically don’t compartmentalize as easily as men. I know this sounds like a generalization but according to the women we spoke to this was something they all shared in common. Often women find themselves in situations where they think they won’t develop feelings for a guy if they have sex, but all of a sudden something like “intimacy” kicks in and then the bell really can’t be unrung.

Sometimes there may be another girl in the picture and the “friend” finds out, which really should be no big deal because of the FWB rules, but for some reason jealousy can rear it’s ugly head. Even though there is no commitment present our competitive nature can kick in and something that is supposed to be casual and “stress-free” now bugs us.

Again, this one applies to women as well as men: Am I being honest with myself? Is this really what I want right now or am I wanting something more with this guy, or just avoiding even the possibility of a commitment with someone else because this seems safer? Am I kidding myself in thinking that all I want from him is this setup, or am I thinking that if I accept the FWB relationship he will eventually realize what a catch I am and want something more with me? If this is even a remote thought in your mind move on immediately because you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

General risks that both genders shared in common: It is hard to go back to being “just a friend” once sex has become a part of the relationship. We aren’t quite sure why and we received many possible reasons why this may be true but the bottom line is that going back to being just friends “after sex” can be a real problem.

Please share any feedback or advice you may have with our readers. If you have ever had a “friends with benefits” experience that is any different from the views we found please share your success story with us.

In this day and age it has become easier to have a long distance relationship with the amazing access to others via text, email, and Skype, especially those who are geographically undesirable (G.A.). However, having a long distance relationship, even in the optimal communicative circumstance, still poses uncertain challenges on a daily basis and is certainly not for the “insecure at heart.” But, if you believe you have found your “ideal mate” and he or she lives hundreds or even thousands of miles away we have some advice for you to give your relationship the best chance to survive and thrive.

1. Make sure you both are on the same page and want the same thing out of the relationship. Commitment is key, otherwise why bother?

2. Who will relocate if things work out in becoming a “happily ever after” scenario? Relationships do one of two things: they either end or move forward. In order to move forward one of you will have to relocate so make sure to have the conversation about this scenario and have and idea of what is “doable” in place.

3. Don’t spend every waking moment together when you are together. Even though you haven’t seen one another in awhile it is a mistake to spend every second together. This can be harmful in different ways. No couple should spend every moment together without having an opportunity to be alone or have time with other friends. A long distance relationship should be somewhat comparable to a relationship when two people live close to one another. Unless you plan on spending every moment together when you both live in the same area (which we don’t recommend) then don’t do it when you are visiting one another. If two people spend every moment together on visits while in their long distance relationship then when one eventually “relocates” to be together culture shock will hit.

4. Keep your partner up to date on your everyday life. Share daily experiences with him or her that can bring him or her a little closer to “almost being there.” Communication is key and snail mail can enhance and strengthen communication. Although email and texting helps a great deal, a thoughtful letter, card, or even a keepsake (like a flower picked) and sent to your mate can strengthen a connection significantly.

5. Always have a date set up i.e., a plane ticket purchased or reserved while maintaining contact via email or phone. Having the next visit prearranged or planned gives each of you something to look forward to and can always help alleviate uncertainty, which can trigger insecurity. Make sure the amount of travel is pretty equal. Each of you should be traveling to visit one another pretty equally in order to avoid resentment or thoughts that one person is investing more into the relationship than the other.

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? Please share your thoughts and experiences with our readers!

We have all heard the “The bad guy always seem to get the girl,” or, “Nice guys finish last,” but is that really true? Do you have to treat a girl badly in order for her to like you? Does it always seem like women prefer the guy who won’t call instead of falling head over heels for the guy who does call, who does text you more than you text him, who does make a date with you and not stand you up for his friends? I know that a lot of guys think they need to be “bad” to get the girl and probably get pretty confused when they are told they have to be strong yet sensitive (yet not too sensitive otherwise you might look pathetic). No wonder why nice guys really aren’t sure how to really treat a woman. Well we will try to set the record straight for guys out there and shed some light on a somewhat fuzzy phenomenon of nice guys versus bad guys!

Bad boys are usually pretty confident, or at least come across that way and that is a turn-on for women. Women love it when a guy is confident and dare we say a little “cocky” in order for our interest to be perked. Arrogant is a no-no but a little cocky is attractive. Bad boys give girls the impression that they are worth the work, which makes them even more desirable. Bad boys aren’t pushovers and they don’t accommodate every demand or whim a woman has.

Bad boys aren’t needy. They aren’t clingy and they don’t call ALL OF THE TIME. They call or text once and that’s it. They make women wonder what they are doing some of the time and then we start thinking “Where is he? What hasn’t he called? hmmm, is he with another girl? Well you get the picture.

Bad boys can be a challenge. Often women will get caught up in a challenge without really wanting the “prize” (which of course we don’t realize) and then once the challenge is gone so is the girl. We know this sounds confusing boys but fear not, you don’t need to be a total challenge to the get the girl. If she is into you and not just the challenge she will stick around. If she ditches you once she’s got you then she wasn’t in it for you (the reward) after all it was just the thrill of the chase, much like the cat catching the mouse because the mouse is running not because she’s actually wanting the mouse itself.

Bad guys are mysterious and many girls love the dark and mysterious nature of guy. You know the catch phrases “Strong and maybe silent but deadly (translation ‘hot’).” We are curious and we want to know information that doesn’t come easy to us. Most women tend to problem-solve and analyze (at the risk of overgeneralizing of course) despite ourselves.

We are not suggesting that all guys should all be Mr. Bad Guy. However “what women typically find attractive” is something that guys should pay attention to and modify or incorporate into their own personality. What’s wrong with becoming a little more confident, refraining from sharing too much about yourself too soon in a dating relationship and standing up for yourself when you need to? How you perceive yourself is what matters the most. If you can increase your confidence, either through your work or personal life then you will naturally become more attractive. Go for what you want and expect to get it, or should we say her?:)

We all know the term “rebound” and probably know that being in a rebound relationship isn’t a really a good idea but it’s easier said than done. How do you tell if you are actually “rebounding” from your past relationship? Or, how can you tell if you’re new mate is rebounding from his or her past relationship? Knowing the answer to these questions can probably same you some heartache and at the very least save you some time. Although there is no sure-fire test to tell there are some red flags that we can share with you to help decide for yourself.

1. How recent was the break-up? The term actual “break-up” can sound confusing so we actually like to say, “How recent did the relationship actually end?” Sometimes the end of a relationship can happen long before the actual breakup itself and the rule of thumb is the longer the time between one relationship ending and another one beginning the better. That said there isn’t actually a definitive timeline that gives us a rule. If it was a long-term relationship (over a year for example) and it ended just a few weeks ago then chances are you are the “rebound” or “rebounder.”
2. If your new love or like-interest can’t stop talking about his or her recent relationship then chances are he or she is not over it and you are in a rebound situation. A major red flag is constant “ex” talk, even if it is negative. Constant conversation or comments about one’s ex basically signals us that that relationship is not over yet, at least at an emotional level and the relationship you are in now is a rebound.
3. If you can’t decide whether or not your mate’s break up was recent enough to constitute a definitive answer to whether or not you are the rebound guy or girl then also take a look at how fast this relationship is moving. If it looks as if things are moving pretty fast or too fast then the combination of the semi-recent break-up and intensity of this one is a sign. What that tells us is he or she wants to just pick up this relationship where the other one left off and you are probably a rebound.
4. If you are wondering whether or not you are the one rebounding into a new relationship from your recent break-up one way to tell is how frequently and to what degree you think about your ex. Do you compare your current relationship with your prior one frequently? Do you compare the two mates? Do you often find yourself missing your ex? If you are answering yes to all of these questions then chances are you are probably rebounding.
5. How similar are you to his or her ex? Yes most people have a “type” of person they are attracted to but if you look “too much” like the ex (and you’ll know it) to the degree that maybe his or her friends call you by the ex’s name then this could be a sign of a rebound. Now this in itself isn’t a big red flag but in combination with the above factors numbers 1 through 4 then this relationship is probably a rebound.

Have you ever found yourself in a rebound relationship? Please share with us your story!

Most singles that are actively dating are using the internet as a great resource to meet and connect with other single people. However one pitfall is that we assume the people we connect with on dating websites are actually single when in truth we don’t really know for sure. So how can you tell if you are connecting with an e-cheater? Here are some red flags to look out for as you journey down the online dating road.

1. Does he or she have a picture posted? If there is a picture, is it a clear photo or is it a little blurry or grainy? Many times people who are married won’t post a photo or will post a photo that isn’t very clear in order to avoid being “discovered” by a friend or colleague. Ask them why they don’t have a photo posted and then decide if it seems reasonable or not.

2. When do the two of you communicate? Does it seem like he or she is only available online during the wee hours of the morning? Is there a clear schedule that your “e-date” has given you? For example, the parameters you are given are something like, “I can only talk between 5 and 6 pm and not on weekends or evenings.” Someone who is cheating will not be flexible with their time because they have a spouse and or kids so be cautious of strict timeframes when it comes to availability. Are your conversations confined to text and online communication only? We realize that many people prefer to communicate via text or online but if it’s been a month and you’ve never actually spoken then something is amiss and you need to find out why.

3. Do you know any defining personal information about him or her? Provided the two of you have been communicating at least a few times it is highly appropriate for both of you to be sharing some personal information about your lives i.e. who your parents are, where you like to hang out, etc. If your “e-date” hasn’t shared any information with you that shares his or her world with you then start asking more questions. If you are met with resistance then it might be wise to either push a little harder or move on.

4. Are they resistant in sharing their last name with you? Obviously in the beginning people are going to be cautious, as should you, but if you are at the stage of talking pretty consistently and feeling pretty comfortable and safe then sharing your last name is a natural move. If he or she is resistant then be wary. People who are married do not want there to be any chance of you knowing anything about them, especially their last name.

5..Lastly, make sure you listen to and trust your intuition. If something just feels “off” pay attention to that feeling. Your intuition has taken you this far in life so don’t ignore it now.

Have you ever encountered an “e-cheater?” If so, please share your story with us and our readers!

Okay ladies, I think we all might need a reminder as to what guys really want in a woman. Even though we’ve talked about this stuff before for some reason we seem to forget or stop doing what works and think we know best when it comes to guys. Well we don’t because we are girls so tune in for the reshresher:

Avoid the negativity. Guys simply do not want to spend time with a woman who has a constant negative attitude and criticizes everything. Of course everyone has his or her good and bad days but if you are sporting a negative “Debbie downer-like” attitude 24/7 your guy will lose interest – regardless as to how hot you might look.

Don’t speak badly about your body or your appearance. Guys love a confident woman. Not cocky or arrogant, but confident. This pretty much goes for both sexes but all guys you talk to will tell you that a woman who is comfortable with herself and her body is a real turn on. If you are critical of yourself then it’s time to work on accepting and loving yourself. If you do that then that love can be contagious.

Skip the work or friend gossip and save that conversation for your girlfriends. Guys don’t have or want to have the attention span to listen to us babble on and on about what “Susie” did at dance class, or what “Barbara” said to her sister. They aren’t interested so skip that conversation if you want to hold your guy’s interest.

Show off your “smarts.” It’s a myth that most guys like a girl to play dumb. Guys like a girl who uses her brain confidently. You don’t need to be rocket scientist but be comfortable talking about the things you know and the response from your guy may surprise you in a very positive way.

Guys like it when a girl is self-sufficient. If you can take care of yourself financially and are independent guys will admire you for it.

Guys are attracted to your smell. Yes we said it, they like the way women smell, usually after a shower especially with fresh shampooed hair. Trust me, I’ve asked them and this is what they tell me. Although they love a pretty floral scent there’s something like the au-natural scent of a woman that turns a guy on (may go hand in hand with wearing his dress shirt and donning a baseball cap) – we’re still working on that research !

Share your thoughts guys on anything else you like in a woman!