You and your sweetie have been dating exclusively for a year.  You have uttered the 3 scariest words in the English language – I love you – and you seem to spend all of your time together.  You would even venture to say that you feel your sweetie is your best friend.  Does this mean the next step is to move in together?  This subject of cohabitation can evoke very strong emotions and opinions depending on if you are the guy or the girl, the friends of the guy or the girl or the family of the guy or the girl.  It’s important to recognize that there is more to moving in together than “we love each other and spend all our time together anyway.”  Moving in together is a major lifestyle change!  We are going to help you navigate the best way to make this decision, including some of the differences for men and women regarding this potential relationship milestone.
A lot of people do live together these days saying they want to do this “first” prior to engagement or marriage.  It’s certainly easy to feel a significant amount of pressure to move in together feeling like that is a natural progression in a dating relationship or that is what you “should do” especially if you are considering engagement or marriage.  Conversely, you might feel pressure not to move in together based on the age old adage “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”  Mixed messages, great, huh?!
It is important to recognize that there isn’t a hard and fast rule of what you must do.  What’s important is to sort out what is the best decision for you and your main squeeze.  There are some good questions to ask yourselves in conversations together as well as in your own honest soul-searching.

What is the real reason of moving in together?  Is the focus that you just want to be together all the time?  Are you interested in having the experience of co-habitation without the commitment of marriage?  Is your desire to share your living arrangements based on saving money?  There is a lot to consider here.  Be honest with yourself as well with one another so that you are on the same page and come to a decision that is in both of your best interests.  Proceed with caution if the main motivation seems to be financial versus the potential emotional gains and desire to share more experiences.

Have you lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend previously?  What went well?  What was difficult for you? Why did you end that situation?  What would you do differently?  This is a great discussion to have with your current love.  Explore and share with each other because you will learn a lot about your partner and what is motivating his/her desire to move in together.  You may also discover reservations you or they might be having.

What are your expectations?  Are you expecting your boyfriend to want to get engaged after he has experienced how wonderful it is to live with you?  This is not a great reason to move in together!  It is based on an expectation that your boyfriend may not be intending or prepared to meet which is a recipe for disaster.  Do you expect your girlfriend to do all the housework?  Again, this is a recipe for disaster.  Be sure to address these subjects prior to signing a lease!

What does moving in together truly mean to each of you?  Do you see moving in together as a natural progression of a relationship after dating for a certain length of time?  Does it represent a higher level of commitment to you?  This is another great discussion for you and your boyfriend/girlfriend so that you can find out if you are on the same page.  Most of us attach some type of meaning to “living together.”

What are your ideas about how to handle finances?  Split everything 50/50?  He covers the rent and you cover everything else?   What if you go out?  Is it still a date where he picks up the tab or is it different now that you live together?  What if one of you makes significantly more money than the other?  What’s the approach going to be if one of you loses their job?  Hmmm, this could get pretty tangled up if you don’t hash it out ahead of time.  One of the topics couples fight about the most is money so be careful here.  Be clear, honest and up front BEFORE you make the decision to move in together.

My experience you ask?  What’s my opinion about living together?  Well, I moved in with one boyfriend after two years of dating.  We had lengthy conversations about marriage, and the plan was we were moving in that direction.  We broke up, but living together was what really helped me see why a life-long relationship with this person wasn’t going to work.  Based on that, I feel that although the relationship ended it was a good decision to move in together.  My husband and I did not live together prior to marriage and it was a conscious decision not to.  We decided that if were ready to live together we were probably ready to get married and felt that living together might lead to getting complacent and just prolong the dating process and put off marriage.  We truly saw eye to eye on that.  So, having said all of that, I guess you can see that I could argue both sides . . . perhaps moving in with my former boyfriend was a way of putting off marriage because maybe we both knew in our heart of hearts that this wasn’t going to be a “forever” relationship?  Well, we will never know . . .

What have your experiences been with living with a romantic partner?  Please share your comments!

Thank you so much for contacting us and posting a question.  Based on your email, it sounds like you two were off to a good start, but without a little more detail we can’t give you quite as much feedback as we’d like. For example, you said that you felt like she was attracted to you prior to the date.   Does that mean you spent some time together before the date, or perhaps you spoke on the phone frequently before April1st? Did she seem motivated to go out with you, or did it take a while to set up the date?  

Based on your description of the situation this is what we think: It’s actually hard to tell based on her cancellation of the date whether or not she is giving you the brush off.  The problem with texting is that most texts are brief and can be misleading when the blanks aren’t filled in. In addition, there is no tone with a text.  Rather than over-thinking it, our suggestion is to wait a few days and then send her a text just checking in.  Text something like “Are you feeling better?  Would you like to reschedule our date?”  And then leave it at that. If you hear back from her then great, if not then let her go.  Back off from offering to help her out with anything else like homework etc., and if she responds with a simple “I’m feeling better, thanks.” then don’t repeat the “date offer” just say “I’m glad.”  If she does say she is ready to reschedule then give her a call and set up the date via telephone.  Sticking with something low-key like lunch is a good idea.  Again, if she responds simply with “I’m feeling better.” then avoid offering up anything more.  Unless she asks you a question don’t text one to her, meaning don’t give her more than you get from her, make her work a little for this since she’s the one who cancelled. If she wants to get together with you she will take the bait of a simple, brief, one lined text. 

Please let us know what happens.

Michelle and Michelle

Has anyone else encountered a situation like this?  What experiences can you share?  Please post your comments and feedback to J!

Breaking up is never easy, even if you are the “dumper.”  There are several factors that play in to what makes this difficult.  You have invested a lot in the relationship, you really care for this person, you don’t want to hurt this person, and there are some things you still like/love about this person just to name a few.  You know that if you stay in a relationship that isn’t right for you, you are preventing yourself from meeting the person who is truly right for you.  Although breaking up isn’t easy, it’s certainly better than stringing someone along or trying to pretend to be happy in an unhappy relationship.  There is going to be some pain involved but if you follow these guidelines you will know that you are treating yourself and your soon to be ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend with respect.

Avoid the Sneak Attack.   This is where you break up out of the blue, without any indication anything has been a problem.  Be sure to clue the other person in along the way when there are aspects of the relationship you are unhappy with.  If feasible, make efforts to work things out.  Yes, you are going to have to communicate!  The “dumpee” is more likely to take in and digest what is happening if they sort of saw it coming versus feeling blind-sided.

The Direct Approach is always best.  Be brief and to the point, in other words, state your business.  Don’t play games or just start ignoring the person.  Stick to your decision, no need to be wishy-washy.  This doesn’t need to be overly dramatic.  Do your soul searching prior to this conversation.  Don’t pick a fight to give you a “reason” to break-up.  Be really clear on the decision you have made.  Please, please don’t say “it’s not you it’s me.” If you are not clear and you can’t come up with reasons that make sense perhaps you are not ready to break up.

Just Vanishing and expecting your ex to know what happened is not okay.  You will leave your partner with only hurt and confusion.  This person deserves a phone call at the very least.  Remember, this person cares for you and is invested in the relationship.  Unless this is an extremely volatile situation, suck it up and have a face-to-face conversation.

Location is important.  Unless you are afraid for your safety, a private venue is best.  The break-up is difficult enough without adding public humiliation.  Choose a quiet, private place where you will both feel comfortable.  If possible, pick a place that is even more comfortable for the person you are about to dump.

There is no need for Severance Pay at the time of or after a break-up.  Gifts at this point would only be confusing.  Do return anything they have left with you.  This may take a little time.  You may want to box up what you have of theirs and suggest they have a friend pick it up.  Gifts that have been exchanged during the course of the relationship typically remain with the recipient.

Make it a Clean Break.  Translation – no post break-up booty calls!  This will only complicate things. This will give your ex false hope that you will reconcile.  This will make it very difficult for either of you to move on and find dates/mates that are truly right for you.  You broke up for a reason, remember?

What tips do you have for someone preparing for a break-up?  What’s worked and what hasn’t worked in your past break-ups? Please share your comments!

If we were to base it on what we see on TV, in movies or what we read in gossip magazines about celebrities, we would have the impression that relationships are either laugh a minute joking and sarcasm, constant breaking up and reconciling or intense drama.  It’s hard to know what a healthy relationship is.  I have asked myself the question many times, often in reference to long-term celebrity couples – Victoria and David Beckham, Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith to name a few.  Are they together because they have the recipe for a healthy relationship?  And, what exactly goes into that recipe.  In talking with many individuals, some currently in relationships and some who are single these are 6 of the most important ingredients necessary to result in a healthy relationship.  As you are searching for a date/mate or evaluating your current relationship keep these components in mind.

1. Acceptance (even when you are at your worst): No one is perfect and you are able to keep this in mind about each other. Your partner is able to maintain a complete view of you and not judge you for a time that you don’t show your best colors. I am so thankful for this in my relationship! I don’t always show my best side if I’ve had a long day, traffic was terrible and I find out at the last minute that my husband has to work late and won’t be around to help with any home responsibilities.
2. Respect: You and your partner respect each other as individuals with interests, dreams, hopes, fears and desires. You give one another space to grow. You also respect each other’s work commitments and friendships. A great way to know this exists is if your partner asks you about your interests, dreams, hopes, fears and desires and shares his/hers with you. Also, you are comfortable with the friendships you each have and encourage girls’ and guys’ nights.
3. Unconditional regard: Your partner is there for you not because they want something in return. You both do for each other because of your genuine feelings toward your partner. It just feels good to be there for your partner in any way they need your support.
4. Trustworthy: You are able to share something in confidence and you know it will stay that way. Since your partner is the primary person in your life it is important to know you can share anything and it won’t be repeated. You are able to say “keep this under your hat” and you know confidently that he/she won’t repeat it.
5. Sounding board: When something is happening related to any area of your life (remember those interests, dreams, hopes, fears and desires?) your partner really focuses on you. He/she asks questions and truly listens. Does she stop texting when you are talking? Does he turn off the TV or at least put it on mute when you have something to share? Feeling heard in a relationship is vital!
6. Dependability: You never have to question if your partner is going to show up. He/she says they are going to be there and they are. This really contributes to the quality of a relationship. It gives the feeling of the relationship being solid. This also goes for unplanned situations such as if your car breaks down you know you can call your partner and they will pick you up or help make arrangements for you. When my husband and I were dating we had a true test of this dependability. There was an emergency caused by my “crazy” roommate and I called my boyfriend (now husband) and he immediately came to my house to help. I really knew I could depend on him.

There are certainly more factors that contribute to a healthy relationship.  These are some of the very key factors.  What are some other important aspects to a healthy relationship?  Is your current relationship healthy?  Please share your experiences and comments!

You are on cloud 9!  You have met someone great, enjoyed several AMAZING dates, and you can tell he/she really likes you too.  The thought “this could be the one” has occurred to you.  You feel things progressing forward.  Everything is perfect, right?  Wrong!  Nagging at the back of your mind is that sensitive subject you need to bring up sooner versus later, before things get too serious.  It’s that very personal something about you that you always struggle with when is it the “right” time to share.  This might be something like you have HPV or herpes, or you have a mental illness for which you take medication and/or see a therapist.  It has occurred to me to write about this subject because several people have shared it is a struggle to broach such subjects.

For example, one individual told me he shies away from dating anyone new so he can avoid telling a potential girlfriend that he has herpes.  He maintains a less than ideal dating relationship with someone he knows isn’t really right for him because she knows he has herpes and was very accepting of him when he told her about it.  Long-term, this type of arrangement is going to leave this person feeling very dissatisfied in the relationship and it is clearly getting in the way of him of meeting someone who would potentially be a better match.  Another individual shared she keeps it a secret that she sees a therapist and takes medication.  This individual has kept this under wraps for quite some time and is in a serious, committed relationship.  She is worried about her boyfriend’s reaction and feels it is better not to tell him.  Because of this she is often in the position of lying about where she is going.  She is running the risk of her boyfriend being very upset one day when he eventually finds out somehow.  He might feel betrayed or feel she is hiding other important information from him.  In addition, she is robbing herself of the opportunity of having his support in this area of her life.

These are difficult subjects to approach in a dating relationship but overall it is better to be honest.  Honesty is the best foundation for a successful relationship.  Also, keeping something a secret gives the impression that it is something negative you are “hiding” and can make it bigger than it needs to be.  Often the fear of sharing this sensitive something is worse than actually saying it out loud.  Here are some suggestions to help you down this path.

Be sure to wait until after at least 3 or 4 dates, let the relationship develop enough so that you feel pretty confident it is going to continue.  No sense in sharing this with someone you are only marginally interested in and are probably going to stop dating anyway.

Remember that the two of you are interested in each other for a multitude of reasons.  What you are going to share does not negate any of your positive qualities and characteristics.  This is just one part of you that is important for your partner to know.  Put yourself in his/her shoes and more than likely you would want to know.

Be prepared.  Gather some facts about what it is you are going to share so you can provide accurate information and answer questions.

Don’t be melodramatic.  This is not a confession or a lecture.  Avoid using primarily negative terms and references.  Be sure to give the positives like your condition is treatable and progress you have made.  It will be very encouraging to your date to know you have been symptom free for 3 years!

Run this through with a trusted friend who already knows your situation.  Get a little feedback about how you come across so you can put your best foot forward in this conversation.

Avoid certain situations – on your way to your first romantic get-away, in a party or bar scene, after consuming a significant amount of alcohol or just before you are going to be sexually intimate.  Consider a mellow evening at home, a quiet table at a low-key restaurant or coffee house or while taking a walk.

How have you shared something sensitive or very personal with a potential girlfriend/boyfriend?  Please share your experiences!  You will be helping a lot of individuals who struggle with this situation.

Considering you spend 8+ hours a day at work, there is certainly the tendency to do some socializing there, especially if you are an extrovert, right?  You extroverts thrive off of your social interactions.  The workplace could be somewhere to meet potential dates!  Having said that, I will follow it up with a strong - BE CAREFUL!  If your employer has a strict “no dating co-workers” policy you must abide by that policy.  Be sure to consult your employee manual!  If this is the case, all is not lost.  This just means you can make friends at work who can introduce you to non-employees that might be potential dates.  There are several factors to take into consideration and guidelines to follow as you embark on this possible opportunity.  There is a reason phrases like “don’t get your honey where you get your money” and “don’t mix business with pleasure have developed,” right?!

I’ll say it again; consult your employee handbook to be sure there isn’t a strict “no dating fellow employees” policy.  Many companies worry that if employees date one another there will be a negative impact on productivity.  Often there isn’t a written rule but office romances are discouraged.  Some supervisors adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.  It’s best to have an honest conversation with your boss if you want to begin a romance with a co-worker as you don’t want to jeopardize your job!

Be discreet!  If you and a co-worker begin dating, keep it out of the office and on the down-low.  You don’t want to give people a reason to gossip about you.  It is important to have your dates on your own time.  Avoid long lunches or breaks, and please, please no physical contact in the workplace.  There is plenty of opportunity for that after work hours.  Romantic or suggestive emails, text messages, phone calls and notes also do not belong in the workplace.  Remember, employers can periodically sift through work email and you don’t want to be embarrassed or get accused of sexual harassment.

Remember, this office romance may not work out!  This is worth a discussion for you and the object of your affection.  Make an agreement that if you have a disagreement you will not discuss it during work hours.  Having a “lovers tiff” at work will only fuel the rumor mill and negatively affect the productivity of you, your partner and those around.  Take things slowly and really get to know each other prior to taking the relationship to the next level.  Be sure there is enough substance to make it worth the risks involved.

I hope this goes without saying, but casually dating multiple co-workers or being promiscuous at work is just asking for trouble.  This type of behavior will lead to a very negative reputation and will cause others to question your integrity.

If possible, pursue dating someone from a completely different department or perhaps on a different floor.  This makes being discreet much easier since you won’t bump into each other all of the time.    Avoid at all costs dating a subordinate!  This type of relationship has too much potential for problems like being accused of sexual harassment or favoritism.

Okay extroverts, be social at work without neglecting the real reason you are there, to get your job done!  Avoid too much social chit-chat around the water cooler.  Have platonic lunches or coffee breaks with co-workers to get to know them and so they can get to know you as they might be able to introduce you to someone great.  Be sure to attend all of the organized work events like company picnics, holiday parties and mixers.  Be sure to maintain your professionalism since you will see all of these people in the office again on Monday!

What workplace dating experiences have you had?  Please post your comments!