We’ve all heard, and probably believe, that opposites do attract. But do those relationships last? I can tell you from personal experience that every time I dated someone who was technically “my opposite” it eventually ended. What ended up happening is that the very things that turned me on in the beginning i.e. the new and different things about him that were so “unlike” me ended up irritating me beyond belief and I found myself wanting him to change, to be more like me. Yikes, now that’s not good. But just because it didn’t work for me doesn’t mean that it won’t work for others. Part of the thrill of dating someone who is your opposite is that he is she has the Ying or Yang you have been missing and that is a turn on. However, please don’t misconstrue that chemistry for love. Everything is wonderful in the beginning, that’s why it’s called the “honeymoon phase.” So even those pesky little habits your love interest does like leaving all the drawers or doors open all of the time can be so “charming” initially but literally drive you batty later on. So after extensive research, and interviewing couples, this is the lowdown on opposites attracting and lasting in relationships and some pertinent questions you should ask yourself before committing to a relationship with someone who is different from you in many ways.

Are the differences between the two of you significant or insignificant? Obviously the fact that one of you may leave the drawers or cupboards open is probably not a significant deal but let’s say that one of you is a devout republican and your partner is a devout democrat (and political views are extremely important to you) then this would be a significant difference. Is the relationship worth adjusting to these different views?

Do you find yourself arguing with your mate over your differences? Sometimes a little playful taunting of differences can be fun but let’s fact it, an argument is an argument and if you are going head to head with your partner over the fact that you hate sports and can’t stand the fact that he loves sports, then you will have a rough road ahead of you in this relationship.

Are your values consistent with one another? Two people can appear to be opposites based upon their personalities or even hobbies but quite honestly for a relationship to stand the test and turmoil of time the values of the couple really need to be the same. That is what you hold on to when life throws those relationship curve balls at you.

If you’re not willing to change, don’t expect him or her to. All relationships require compromise and if you aren’t willing to make concessions for the sake of your relationship then you can’t expect your partner to. For example, if you both have a favorite hobby such as wine tasting and going to the lake every weekend and neither one of you wants to compromise with give and take on the weekend then it’s just not going to work. You can either figure out a way to do both, or agree to do your hobbies alone. But don’t expect your partner to give up his or her favorite pastime just because it isn’t yours. If you do then you are just asking for resentment and a mountain of problems.

Diversity can continue to add spark to a relationship just make sure that what created the “spark” initially doesn’t end up making you crazy in the end.

Please share any thoughts or feedback with our readers!

So the summer is coming to end “sigh” and you are possibly freaking out and why? Because you have had great fun your new mate and are thinking “Will it end when the summer does? Will he or she stick around after Labor Day? Yikes! Hold your horses! You don’t need to start stressing out. Assume some control and recognize that the one thing that we all love about summer is that it is relaxing and hopefully less stressful. Just because the summer is ending doesn’t mean your relationship is as well. Unless you know for sure i.e., one of you is moving away, lives somewhere else etc. we can’t assume that the close of the summer signals the close of the romance. Here are some tips to keep your relationship moving in a positive and relaxed pace and to put things in perspective:

Tip 1. Be active in planning activities to do and events to go to in the fall. Stick with planning to do the things you like to do so that, if for some reason, things don’t work out for you and your new mate at the very least you will have plans to have fun.

Tip 2. When making plans for the fall consider buying an extra ticket (provided it’s not too costly) and as and the date of the event gets closer ask your mate if he or she would like to join you. If not you can still ask a friend or colleague, or can sell the ticket if you’re comfortable going solo.

Tip 3. Maintain a relaxed and calm summer attitude. Try to be present and have fun and avoid thinking and talking about things like going back to work, shorter days in the fall, obligations, etc. The more “present” you are the more fun you will have plus the more aware you will be when it comes to deciding if your mate is long term material.

Tip 4. Keep communication about expectations or no-expectations open without going overboard when it comes to “commitment talk.” Try to keep your feelings in check and your anxiety at bay and communicate about how much you are enjoying your time together and whether or not it feels right to continue that “time together” a little longer than summer.

Tip 5. Make sure that the two of you are on the same page. If this is truly a summer only romance for you try to make that very clear to your partner. If he or she seems to be looking for more you owe it to both of you to speak up about your desire to keep it short and sweet. The converse is also true. If it seems like you are starting to have more “long-term intentions” or “feelings” for him or her then pay attention to the messages you are getting from your mate to make sure that you both are wanting the same thing. If the messages seem unclear then you may have to speak up before you get hurt.

Whether it’s a summer fling or a long-term romance remember to appreciate the time you have together in the summer. The days are longer, the weather is warmer, work seems lighter (for most) and fun is everywhere so enjoy!

For decades single people have placed personal ads in magazines and newspapers all over the world, and have described themselves in less than 25-50 words, which can be a little tough. Now this is different from online dating where you create a profile; the personal ad is placed in a actual newspaper or magazine and is designed to be brief and succinct much like an ad selling an item. Needless to say it can be rather daunting to try to describe yourself in so few words, but it is necessary, and we can help you design the perfect personal ad to get yourself noticed.

Tip 1. Find a literary location. The key to a valuable personal ad can be location, location, location. A newspaper such as “The OC Weekly” in Orange County California is a smaller publication with an audience of people who are very demographically similar, while an ad in the “Orange County Register” which is larger daily newspaper will make your ad more visible to a much larger population.

Tip 2. Decide if you want to spend money on your ad and how much. Typically online personals which are newspapers online are free to post. However hard copy newspapers generally do charge a fee either by word or by line, so maybe both options would work for you.

Tip 3.
 Think about placing more than one ad, in more than one publication and tailor your ad according the publication in which it is presented. An ad in a local paper that shares ad space with social clubs would be a good venue to have your personal ad be a little more light and casual. However, an ad in say “The New York Post” might suggest something more straight forward and to the point.

Tip 4. Learn the language used for either dating online or through a personal ad. There are many acronyms used that you need to be aware of and use in order to not only be current but also to save money and ad space. For example, SWF and SWM may be obvious acronyms for single white female/male but some may not be so obvious. STR and LTR stand for short term and long term relationship respectively. Look for more acronyms online before you write your ad.

Tip 5. Write a catchy headline that will grab the attention of possible partners. Although the content is about you the headline can be about the type of person you are looking for. For example, “Looking to meet that special person whose passion is to travel and see the world.” A statement like that is general but specific and sparks interest, but only in those who share the same passion as you. If it seems like the responses you get are not specific enough for the person you are looking for then cast your net a little smaller and make your headline more specific.

Be patient. Personal ads might take a little longer to illicit a response versus online dating but the payoff can be worth it!

We don’t really need to know “why” men and women tend to communicate differently in relationships all we need to know is that they do, and for the most part both genders can say essentially the same things but in different ways.

For example, take “Sarah” and “John” (names changed for obvious reasons). Sarah and John have been dating for a few months and Sarah asks John a very common girl question “How do you feel about our relationship?” John is a little confused by the question he views as pretty broad and answers “I feel fine.” Now Sarah becomes irritated with this response because she feels that he didn’t really answer that question and she replies by asking John “Other than just fine, how else do you feel about US?” Now John just views this question as a repeat of the original question and wonders why she didn’t like his first response. He assumes maybe he just chose the wrong word so he now replies “I feel good about us.” Now John is satisfied with his response but Sarah is irritated and now John is confused, and both of them are now frustrated.

If this situation sounds familiar you are not alone. It’s pretty common for men and women to miscommunicate when it comes to describing their wants, feelings, and possible feedback with their partner. In Sarah ‘s case she needs to understand that most men need to know more specific information, ie. the bottom line. Sarah’s question is very broad and only another woman would completely understand it, but not a man. What Sarah is really asking is “Do you see a future for us? Do you feel like you are committed to this relationship on a long term basis or are you thinking that this is as serious as it is going to get?” But John has no idea that Sarah is asking all of that in her one question so really he answers the basic question without reading between the lines, which is “I feel fine.” For guys there is nothing between the lines, and that’s the bottom line.

In addition, if you ask a guy “So what are you thinking about?” you will probably freak him out because in truth he is probably thinking about something random and doesn’t want to say that because he knows you are asking for a different, more profound response, and he doesn’t have one. So just avoid that question altogether. You probably want some kind of answer that sounds like “I’m thinking about how happy I am at this very moment with you.” When relationships are going well guys don’t talk about “how good they are going” they only speak up if there is a problem; judge his “thoughts about the relationship” by his actions. When guys are happy in a relationship they really don’t talk about it, so his silence is a good sign, it’s golden. Women are the opposite; we talk about almost everything so if you are thinking “you are happy at this very moment with him” then say it.

So in Sarah’s situation, or really for any women it would be wise for her to break down the questions one by one and then ask each one individually. Allow for your mate to think and process it before moving on. Keep in mind that the bottom line is what you want to stick to otherwise you may overwhelm him with talk about feelings, and not everything needs to be discussed in one relationship conversation.

In John’s situation, or for any man talking to a woman about feelings, the relationship, or possibly any serious content related conversation try to listen with your heart. What this means is that even though there may be a problem presented doesn’t mean that your mate wants it fixed. Just listen empathetically and allow her talk and maybe even vent. Venting, for guys who don’t know this, is a common way that women just open share their thoughts and feelings without wanting to resolve anything. The resolve is just allowing oneself to speak openly and have another person listen without judgment or problem solving. It may be helpful, if a guy can’t tell whether or not he is needed to provide a solution, if he asks his mate whether she is venting or wants help problem solving.

Hopefully these are some helpful guidelines for all men and women in relationships speak more comfortably with one another with more understanding of the differences and similarities in both sexes.

Nothing says awkward like running into your Ex while with your current date or significant other.  Typically after a break-up we imagine running into our Ex and cringe at the thought.  I think you would agree that you generally hope you won’t ever run into them and are able to dodge that bullet.  Take heart, this is often the case.  Although I have continued to live in generally the same area for a number of years it has been rare that I have run into an Ex.  When we entertain the idea of running into an Ex and you were the dumper, you might imagine seeing your Ex and feeling guilty and compelled to have a longer conversation than desired.  If you were the dumpee, you might imagine the worst case scenario where you tearfully try to get answers to those unanswered questions.  You shutter at the possibility of either of these situations.  Men and women alike secretly hope or even fantasize that if we do (horror of horrors) run into an Ex that we look amazing, are incredibly successful and appear to be having a fabulous time doing whatever we happen to be doing either with a fantastic new main squeeze or an equally fantastic group of friends.  Back to reality friends, this is outside of your control.  You could run into an Ex at the grocery store, at the gym or any number of places.  The odds increase if you live in the same area and it is a small town and the odds decrease dramatically if either of you have moved or you live in a fairly good-sized city.

Here’s an example of running into an Ex that didn’t go very well.  This is based on running into my husband’s ex-girlfriend.  My husband and I were boyfriend and girlfriend at the time, dating for about 3 months.  We were out for a run on a weekend morning with another couple.  Walking toward us on the path was my boyfriend’s Ex!  I saw them make eye contact and my boyfriend stopped.  I hesitated, my boyfriend made no reference to me, looked uncomfortable so I kept going and caught up with our friends.  I did not know her but it seemed pretty obvious she was an Ex.  A few minutes later my boyfriend caught up with us and said that was his Ex who happens to live very close by.  Needless to say my boyfriend was caught off guard, the Ex was extremely uncomfortable and it was just plain awkward.  Later that day, my boyfriend received a voicemail message from his Ex verbally blasting him, accusing him of cheating with me while they were still dating!  This was completely untrue but clearly she was still upset about the break-up.  My boyfriend had not behaved badly but did in fact end their relationship and she was hurt. 

So, you ask, “What do I do if I run into an Ex?”  We have some tips for you so you can feel prepared.  We cannot guarantee how your Ex will behave, that is outside of your control and of course ours.  You do however have control over your own behavior.

Be the first to say hello.  If you were the dumper this will speak to your integrity.  If you were the dumpee you will come across as confident and strong.

If you are with a date or significant other, be sure to introduce them right away.  It’s not necessary to say, “this is my new girlfriend (fill in name)” simply introduce them by name.  I’m sure your Ex will be able sort this out on their own.  If your Ex is with a date, be sure to acknowledge their date.

Keep the conversation brief.  This will reduce the awkwardness and the risk of stirring up old feelings such as anger or sadness.  Do not bring up old issues!  There is no point – more than likely if you have run into your Ex unexpectedly you are not in an appropriate place to have such a conversation anyway.  If you or you Ex are with a date/significant other, we hope this goes without saying, but most definitely, a long discussion is out of the question.

When your Ex asks how things are going in your life, share something positive.  Make sure it is true because getting caught in a lie will only be humiliating later.

Whatever you do, be sure to remain calm. Do not flip out, scream, cry or yell.  This will only leave you feeling embarrassed later.  And, talk about awkward if you or your Ex is with a date/significant other!

Have you run into an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?  What was your experience?  Please share!

So this is my first hand recap of a little bit of dating history and mistakes I’ve made throughout my entire life of dating. I did have to learn the hard way, unfortunately, but ended up exactly where I wanted to be, in a happy and loving marriage to a wonderful guy. But the road wasn’t easy and I’m here to help all of you girls or guys out there try to avoid the same mistakes or “roadblocks” I couldn’t avoid.

Mistake #1. In one of my somewhat-serious relationships I convinced myself that I could change “Mr. Right” if I tried hard enough. Because I thought I knew him better than he knew himself and I also believed that we were “meant to be” then even if he put forth the effort I was bound to make it work (after all, we were meant to be right?) WRONG. We weren’t meant to be because “to be” eventually ended. He became tired of me trying to “better-him” and we had the dreaded conversation of “it’s not you it’s me” sigh.

Mistake #2. Was he cheating, I didn’t think so. Who was I kidding, of course he was. But somehow I convinced myself he wasn’t. I had my suspicions, and went so far as to verify them by accidentally looking through his briefcase where I of course found a card from a woman who was clearly more than a friend. Yes I did confront him, kind of, and he had a plausible explanation, which I really can’t remember but seemed to satisfy me at the time. The second and third times were less satisfying and eventually it ended, sigh.

Mistake #3. Even though he said he didn’t want a commitment he didn’t really mean it. After all, doesn’t he feel the way I feel, our connection, our soul mate “vibe.” Well, he did mean exactly what he said and shockingly our non-committed relationship slowed slipped away.

Mistake #4. He started to pull away and I wasn’t sure whether we were breaking up or not, so I fought harder to hold on. By the way, this just does not work. I think it’s a natural phenomenon that when you feel like you are losing something or it is being taken away we cling on harder even if it’s something we may not really want. The problem is the harder we try to hold on the more that force “or guy” pulls away. In addition, in this specific relationship I waited for closure when I wasn’t going to get any. I didn’t get the message that the reason he wasn’t returning my calls (every time I called him) or the feeling of being blown off was his way of actually breaking it off with me. I figured that unless he actually said “Yes I am breaking up with you?” then we weren’t breaking up. I didn’t want closure, but I felt like I needed it in order to move on. Well it was closed I just couldn’t get it through my head that closure was not something I was going to get and I just needed to get over it and him.

Not to stereotype guys but many guys won’t actually give a girl closure which is what most girls want when it looks like a relationship is doomed. We can’t figure it out “Why doesn’t he just tell me that it’s over??” Well, if he doesn’t then you trying to probe it out of him isn’t going to give you any closure either; you just have to realize that his “avoidance, distance, etc. is indicative of the end. If it walks like a duck then it is a duck and it’s walked away and that’s then end of it.

Well those are some of my most consistent and memorable relationship mistakes that I do recognize and have learned from. I’m sure there are more but thankfully I don’t remember all of the mistakes I made

Have you heard the term Serial Monogamist?  No?  This is an important term for you to understand if you are in the dating world because this style of dating and relationships could really get in your way if you are truly seeking a healthy, long-term relationship.

According to Urban Dictionary a Serial Monogamist is “A descriptor for a person who has commitment issues but does not engage in cheating or infidelity. A serial monogamist likes the emotional and physical intimacy of relationships and therefore seeks partners who want a long-term romantic relationship. A serial monogamist may or may not warn their partner about their fear of commitment. (Often the partners foolishly believe they will be able to change this about the serial monogamist.)
The relationship may be short-lived or it may last a few months to years, however the serial monogamist is always holding back and if the other partner in the romance pushes at all, the serial monogamist will end the relationship swiftly and often without emotion.”

According to Wikipedia Serial Monogamy “is characterized by a series of long- or short-term exclusive sexual relationships entered into consecutively over the lifespan.”

I got my education about this type of dater when I encountered and subsequently dated a Serial Monogamist.  When we met he was very engaging and actively pursued an exclusive relationship with me.  In retrospect, I realize he was very focused on our relationship becoming exclusive fairly quickly.  We did date exclusively for about 5 months at which point it became clear we wanted different things.  I was interested in the relationship naturally progressing forward and he wanted it to stay sort of frozen.  We parted ways and I came to find out this was a pattern of his.  He really liked the idea of a relationship and felt more comfortable in a relationship versus single.  He wanted the easy, fun aspects of a relationship but not the deeper commitment.

Is the answer yes if you ask yourself “am I a Serial Monogamist?”  Would you like to change this?  We have the guidelines and tips you need to move away from Serial Monogamy.

Get comfortable being on your own and stay away from phrasing this “alone.”  You are enough!  Getting involved with someone is not to complete you rather another person is to complement who you are.

Are you now questioning who you are without someone else?  This means it is time for you to get to know yourself.  Tune in to what makes you happy and how you like spending your time.  Try something new – take a class, go hiking, get involved with the community and figure out your “thing.”  This will also serve the purpose of creating opportunity to make new friends.

When a relationship ends take stock of why it didn’t work out.  Forgive yourself for the mistakes you made and perhaps learn a little something from your Ex (see our previous post from earlier this month).  Be sure to give yourself time to grieve and heal before moving on to another relationship.

Slow down!  When you are ready to date after a break-up, take your time.  Don’t jump into an exclusive relationship with the first person you meet.  This is not a race to the finish line, nor is it about quantity.  Relationships are about quality and it takes time to establish if you have encountered quality in a new dating interest. 

Are you or do you know a Serial Monogamist?  Please share your experiences!

We probably can’t talk enough about online dating especially in this day and age of electronic communication. Time is valuable and if you want to date better then your time is precious. That being said we have more red flags for you to look out for while you are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right in the cyber-world:

If his or her bio picture looks “out-dated” i.e., clothing might be from the 80’s or 90’s then it is. The same goes for the same picture over and over again. We know that if there is no picture posted then we definitely recommend moving on but we also don’t want someone who has the same picture, or variation of, throughout his or her profile. If you only see a head shot, then what is she or he hiding?

If he or she talks only about what the want in a person versus what they can bring to the relationship then you are in for someone pretty self-absorbed. However, be wary also for the online dater who is full of questions for you but no information about him or her. This can appear to be flattering but it can signal someone who doesn’t want to tell you much about themselves, maybe because they are actually “attached to someone else.”

To the ladies out there: If he hasn’t asked for your phone number and called you after four emails (5 at the most) then blow him off. You are wasting your time with “email guy” if he isn’t worried that another guy will snatch you up and therefore clamoring to get your phone number.

Steer clear of the “winks” but no actually written conversation. If you are just getting a wink then skip him because chances are you are one of many getting winked to. This also applies to the email that reads like a form letter. If you get an email that says something like “Hi! I saw your profile and was intrigued. Tell me more about yourself” then you are probably one of many who are getting someone’s standard intro form letter. Yes some online daters create standard letters to send to multiple people (kind of like fishing) and you don’t want to waste your time, especially if they aren’t spending time to create a personal email that shows interest in you.

If he says he is just looking for a “friend” then move on. No one who is using an online dating service is looking for an actual friend. People make friends elsewhere rather than through a dating service. A guy who says that he is looking for just a friend is using code for “I just want to hook up with no strings attached.”

If you have any additional red flags to share with our readers please do!

When it comes to marriage, there are so many opinions out there; it is hard to determine what is a reasonable view and expectation in the context of a long-term relationship.  What I’m talking about here is when it makes sense to discuss the possibility of marriage.  When is too soon and when does it become something you are trying to avoid?  The answer to this is influenced by several factors including but not limited to age, gender, ethnicity, family of origin and society.  Contrary to popular belief there is not a set timeline on this one.  There are however several aspects of you and your relationship that it is advisable to consider and review prior to taking this big step forward with this person who is currently your one and only.

Remember, marriage is truly a life-altering decision.  It is important you are ready for that as an individual.  It is also important your relationship is ready.  Although there is no set timeline that must be followed, I believe prior to considering marriage these are some basic areas worth evaluating:

1. Ask yourself “could I survive if this relationship ended?” I know this seems like a strange question since the subject here is marriage, but what I’m getting at is “do you feel self-sufficient?” or are you looking for someone to “complete you?” If it is the latter, I recommend you back off of the marriage idea for a while until you feel you are a complete person on your own. Marriage should be something you desire versus something you have to have or you won’t survive.
2. Experience each season of the year with someone – you will see how you both function at different times of the year. You will also go through all of the holidays together. These are great ways to get to know each other on a deeper level and have some true life experiences.
3. Go on a vacation together of at least one week in length – this is a wonderful way to get to know your partner over an extended period of time. You will get a better idea of each other’s day to day habits. Typically some small stressful moments come up in a vacation like getting lost or having a delay at the airport. Seeing how your partner handles such mishaps can be really telling for the long-term.
4. Meet one another’s families – no, you are not marrying his/her family but family is where we come from so get to know them and see how you feel around his/her family. How does your partner get along with his/her family? Is there tension? Are they close? Whatever you experience be sure to explore it with your partner so you get a clear picture.
5. Face a significant challenge together – how well do the two of you work together? Who takes the lead? What is the natural flow when there is an obstacle in life? Does your partner face it head-on or does he/she withdraw? Can you depend on one another for support? Probably good to know since over a lifetime of a marriage there are many challenges!
6. Discuss your morals and values with your partner. Do they line up? No? This could be a major problem down the road. Have enough discussion about this to feel confident you are on the same page and can continue or perhaps come to the conclusion it is better you call it quits.

You have checked all these off of your list?  Okay, then you sound like you are ready to have some initial conversations with your partner about marriage!

Yes it’s true we can learn something from past relationships and actually from our “exes” personally whether we like to believe it or not. Typically relationships are not a waste of time especially if we can acknowledge why we stayed in them, what worked and what didn’t and how to indeed have better relationships in the future.

I like to think that for the most part I have learned a little bit about myself and what I want and what I don’t want from a relationship and because of that I have really enjoyed growing and having a strong rewarding relationship with my significant other (and at this point that person is now my husband).

This is what I have learned:

1. Be yourself. Try to be yourself, flaws and all. A good friend told me many years ago that your true friends love you because of your flaws, not in spite of them and I believe this to be true. If we think about they people that we are closest too, namely our friends, what we tend to love most about them are their weird quirky behaviors and not the fact that they are perfect. Plus, if you play “fake” then you better be prepared to fake it forever otherwise just like in the “Wizard of Oz” when that curtain gets pulled aside your partner is in for quite an awakening and so are you.
2. You don’t have to like all of his friends but you should like the ones he is closest to. Not all of our friends are a reflection of us so you don’t have to love his friends to love him but you should like the ones closest to him after all you will probably be spending some time with them if they are an important part of his life.
3. It’s important to share common interests. If you hate the thought of dirt biking in the desert or going to Lake Havasu and your significant other loves to go every weekend don’t try to convince yourself that you will grow to love it. It won’t happen. If you really want the relationship to work and are willing to put in the effort then compromise and share your activities with each other so that there is balance, but don’t give up what you love in hopes that you will grow to love his interests, it just doesn’t work.
4. Not everything needs to be a debate. I learned this one the hard way. A relationship takes compromise on both parts and if it’s a constant battle then someone is bound to lose.
5. Don’t try to make him jealous. The key to this one is the idea of “trying.” If you feel you have to try to make him jealous then something is wrong. You are either not getting enough attention or feel like he doesn’t appreciate you. Address it head on but if you try to make him jealous with another guy you better be prepared to lose him. He may bail out of the relationship which is the opposite of what you wanted in the first place.

If you have any experiences that you have learned from your ex relationships please share them with us!