Do you feel like shyness in getting in the way of successful dating experiences?  Are dating opportunities passing you by?  If a potential date approaches you are you suddenly tongue-tied?  Do you avoid approaching that good looking guy convinced you will freeze up?  Is this something you want to change?  We wrote an earlier blog about guys overcoming shyness in the dating world and now it is time to address the same issue for you “shy” girls.

Perhaps as far back as you can remember you were referred to as shy.  When you were a little girl, your mom would say, “Oh, she is just shy” when you were very quiet upon arriving to a party or the first day of school.  This sort of developed into part of your personality.  Maybe you were destined to be shy, maybe not; maybe it was a little bit of the power of suggestion.  In other words, the more you tell yourself you are shy and the more others refer to you as shy you will believe you are shy and present that way in social settings.

If the power of suggestion and your internal thoughts and messages can lead you to believe you are shy, is it possible the opposite thoughts can lead you to believe you are outgoing?  I am going to go out on a limb and say, “yes.”  I do not mean to say it is as simple as just thinking “I am outgoing.”  There is a bit more to it than that so read on for some helpful tips.

1. On a daily basis take note of your positive qualities. The more you focus on your positives the more confident you will feel. The more confident you feel the more comfortable you will become with being a little more outgoing.
2. Ask yourself, “What do I “bring to the table?” In other words, why would someone else enjoy having a conversation with you, date you, etc? For instance, you were invited to a party and there are reasons you were invited, reasons the host enjoys having you around.
3. When you are out in the world, practice being more outgoing. Make eye contact with people, smile and say hello. The more you do this the more comfortable you will feel with being outgoing. You will also be perceived as friendly and approachable which is a key component in the dating world.
4. Hone in on your talents or develop new talents or at least one thing you are good at. This is something else that can build self-confidence which is important in combating shyness. Knowing you have strengths/talents is helpful because it is then a natural topic for you when you interacting socially. No, I don’t mean something to brag about because that is not attractive. What I mean is when someone asks “what do you do for fun?” or “what do you like to do?” you will have something to share about yourself.
5. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst thing that’s going to happen if I put myself out there?” Well, it is possible you will experience rejection. This is part of life ladies so don’t let it get you down. Smile and move on. Try to think of it as practice for the real thing.
6. Set a goal for yourself. When you have plans to go out socially, tell yourself you will make eye contact with, smile and say hello to at least 5 people. Remember, this is practice and the more you do it the more comfortable you will feel.
7. Stop labeling yourself as shy! You are you, you are unique, and you are attractive and you are (__________________) fill in the blank with all of the positives you identified earlier.

How have you overcome shyness in the dating world?  Do you struggle with shyness?  We are interested in your experiences and comments!  Please post!

We probably can’t talk enough about online dating especially in this day and age of electronic communication. Time is valuable and if you want to date better then your time is precious. That being said we have more red flags for you to look out for while you are looking for Mr. or Ms. Right in the cyber-world:

If his or her bio picture looks “out-dated” i.e., clothing might be from the 80’s or 90’s then it is. The same goes for the same picture over and over again. We know that if there is no picture posted then we definitely recommend moving on but we also don’t want someone who has the same picture, or variation of, throughout his or her profile. If you only see a head shot, then what is she or he hiding?

If he or she talks only about what the want in a person versus what they can bring to the relationship then you are in for someone pretty self-absorbed. However, be wary also for the online dater who is full of questions for you but no information about him or her. This can appear to be flattering but it can signal someone who doesn’t want to tell you much about themselves, maybe because they are actually “attached to someone else.”

To the ladies out there: If he hasn’t asked for your phone number and called you after four emails (5 at the most) then blow him off. You are wasting your time with “email guy” if he isn’t worried that another guy will snatch you up and therefore clamoring to get your phone number.

Steer clear of the “winks” but no actually written conversation. If you are just getting a wink then skip him because chances are you are one of many getting winked to. This also applies to the email that reads like a form letter. If you get an email that says something like “Hi! I saw your profile and was intrigued. Tell me more about yourself” then you are probably one of many who are getting someone’s standard intro form letter. Yes some online daters create standard letters to send to multiple people (kind of like fishing) and you don’t want to waste your time, especially if they aren’t spending time to create a personal email that shows interest in you.

If he says he is just looking for a “friend” then move on. No one who is using an online dating service is looking for an actual friend. People make friends elsewhere rather than through a dating service. A guy who says that he is looking for just a friend is using code for “I just want to hook up with no strings attached.”

If you have any additional red flags to share with our readers please do!

In a way, when you are re-entering the dating scene after a long break from dating or after ending a marriage or long-term relationship, it is a little like looking for a job after being out of work for a period of time.  You might feel concerned about “gaps in your resume” so to speak.  You might be wondering how to answer questions like “do you date a lot?” or “have you been married?” or “when was your last relationship?”  These questions can feel tough to answer when you are not ready to divulge your whole story, and saying you haven’t actually dated in a couple years feels awkward.  Not knowing how to answer questions such as these can become so anxiety producing it can keep you from moving forward with dating.  It might just seem easier to avoid dating altogether.  From a purely practical perspective, the longer you avoid dating the longer those gaps in your “resume” will be.  The longer you avoid something because of anxiety the more anxiety will build up around what you are avoiding.  Make sense?  In other words, the fear you have related to re-entering the dating scene is likely to be more intense than what you will feel when actually dating.  Let us also say you are allowed to begin dating again and move forward with your life!  Now that we have given you permission, please do the same for yourself and read on as we give you the tips and tools you need to start this process.

Keep it casual. You don’t need to focus on finding love or finding your soul mate. Your best approach in the beginning is to get comfortable with being more social again. Start with broadening your social circle. Let your close friends know you are open to meeting new people. Consider joining some social groups for men and women that have activity based events where you can meet others with similar interests. This would be a great time to take a class of interest to you with a good mix of men and women such as golf lessons, wine tasting, or ballroom dancing. As your comfort level builds with interacting with new people you will warm up to the idea of going on one-on-one dates.

Be positive! Generally speaking, a positive attitude tends to draw people toward you and a negative attitude will push others away. Know that some dates will not lead to a second date. This is normal! It does not mean you are a failure. Each date you go will build your confidence and provide you with dating practice.

If it has been a significant length of time since you have dated you are going to see that the dating scene has changed. Online dating for example might be completely foreign to you. Talk with friends about the best sites and do your own research. Please read our blogs on online dating and dating safety – you will find the tips you need related to navigating web-based dating! Chat with your single friends about their experiences and get some tips on writing a great profile and posting the best pictures.

Don’t open Pandora’s Box! When you do go on a date with someone new there is no need to get into your whole story. This can get really sticky, unravel and head south very quickly if you are not careful. When asked “do you date a lot?” you can simply say “I try to keep a good balance of spending time with friends and family and dating” or “I enjoy dating on the weekends as well as doing other things. My career keeps me busy too.” If you are asked “have you been married?” and you have, be honest, but leave the baggage at home. You can respond with “yes, for 5 years.” This is not the time to get into the gory details of your divorce and what a “bleep bleep bleep” your Ex is. If someone pushes you for details and it’s unlikely they will, you can refocus the conversation by saying “I really want to spend our date getting to know each other” and then ask him/her a question about their personal interests.

Check out the resources in our blog! There are several blog posts with great tips on dating, such as dating safety, internet dating, first date ideas, texting and dating, male and female communication differences and the best places to meet other singles just to name a few. We recommend you go through our archives for each month and check out the different topics that might be helpful to you.

Now, take a deep breath, stand up straight and head out into the world with the attitude that says “I’m a great catch and you would be lucky to date me!”  Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities and is definitely more likely to attract others to you than telling yourself “I’m a relationship failure.”

Have some of you re-entered the dating scene after a long hiatus or after ending a long-term relationship?  Please post your comments!

When it comes to marriage, there are so many opinions out there; it is hard to determine what is a reasonable view and expectation in the context of a long-term relationship.  What I’m talking about here is when it makes sense to discuss the possibility of marriage.  When is too soon and when does it become something you are trying to avoid?  The answer to this is influenced by several factors including but not limited to age, gender, ethnicity, family of origin and society.  Contrary to popular belief there is not a set timeline on this one.  There are however several aspects of you and your relationship that it is advisable to consider and review prior to taking this big step forward with this person who is currently your one and only.

Remember, marriage is truly a life-altering decision.  It is important you are ready for that as an individual.  It is also important your relationship is ready.  Although there is no set timeline that must be followed, I believe prior to considering marriage these are some basic areas worth evaluating:

1. Ask yourself “could I survive if this relationship ended?” I know this seems like a strange question since the subject here is marriage, but what I’m getting at is “do you feel self-sufficient?” or are you looking for someone to “complete you?” If it is the latter, I recommend you back off of the marriage idea for a while until you feel you are a complete person on your own. Marriage should be something you desire versus something you have to have or you won’t survive.
2. Experience each season of the year with someone – you will see how you both function at different times of the year. You will also go through all of the holidays together. These are great ways to get to know each other on a deeper level and have some true life experiences.
3. Go on a vacation together of at least one week in length – this is a wonderful way to get to know your partner over an extended period of time. You will get a better idea of each other’s day to day habits. Typically some small stressful moments come up in a vacation like getting lost or having a delay at the airport. Seeing how your partner handles such mishaps can be really telling for the long-term.
4. Meet one another’s families – no, you are not marrying his/her family but family is where we come from so get to know them and see how you feel around his/her family. How does your partner get along with his/her family? Is there tension? Are they close? Whatever you experience be sure to explore it with your partner so you get a clear picture.
5. Face a significant challenge together – how well do the two of you work together? Who takes the lead? What is the natural flow when there is an obstacle in life? Does your partner face it head-on or does he/she withdraw? Can you depend on one another for support? Probably good to know since over a lifetime of a marriage there are many challenges!
6. Discuss your morals and values with your partner. Do they line up? No? This could be a major problem down the road. Have enough discussion about this to feel confident you are on the same page and can continue or perhaps come to the conclusion it is better you call it quits.

You have checked all these off of your list?  Okay, then you sound like you are ready to have some initial conversations with your partner about marriage!

Assuming you have read our post on June 24th and your home is now “date friendly,” perhaps it is time to cook dinner for your date.  If you are thinking “take out is so much easier” or “she would rather be wined and dined at a fancy restaurant” then think again.  Preparing a meal for someone is an extremely personal and thoughtful gesture that your date will appreciate.  Both guys and girls can cook dinner for a date and pull of a very romantic evening.  How you ask?  We are going to give you the guidance and tips you need for this to be a night to remember. 

If you are inviting your date to your home for dinner be sure you have been out several times (at the very minimum 3 dates with a few good phone conversations).  This is to ensure that there is a level of comfort and trust that is conducive to being in your home alone with your date.  You want to make sure you have had the opportunity to get to know your date well enough to know conversation flows easily and there is some chemistry.

Take stock of the relationship.  How long have you been dating?  We know based on the above tip you have met the minimum of at least 3 dates prior to moving to this step, but are you already exclusive or is it very early in the dating relationship?  This will help you determine what type of dinner you prepare for your date.  For example, a seven course gourmet feast may be a little much if you have only been dating for a month.  Cooking dinner for someone takes effort so be sure your feelings for him/her indicate to you this is a good move. 

Find out what your date likes to eat and drink.  Is your date a vegetarian?  Does she avoid red meat?  Has he mentioned he is lactose intolerant?  It’s good to pay attention as well as ask questions.  In addition, find out about any food allergies!  The romance will go right out the evening if you have to rush your date to the emergency room for anaphylactic shock!  This attention to detail will let your date know you care.

It’s time to decide on a menu.  We recommend you stick to 3 courses – A salad or starter course, a main course with a side dish and a sweet/dessert course.  You can also choose beverages to pair with your meal.  If you enjoy wine you can keep it simple and choose a wine that works with the entire meal or you can choose a wine for the starter as well as one for the main course.  Of course, you can also go non-alcoholic.  Plan on what your date will be the most comfortable with.  If you have some cookbooks, scan through them for dishes that look appealing and fit within your skill level in the kitchen.  Foods to avoid – extremely messy foods and foods that tend to stick in your teeth (ribs, spaghetti, spinach, corn on the cob to name a few examples).

Read through your recipes carefully and make sure you are clear on all the instructions.  We highly recommend you prepare each of the dishes a few days ahead and have a friend taste them to make sure your romantic dinner will be a success.  My husband (boyfriend at the time) just told me the other day that he did this prior to cooking dinner for me the first time.

Be sure you have all the necessary kitchen tools to cook the recipes you have chosen – borrow whatever kitchen gadgets you don’t have.  Matching plates, decent cutlery and glasses are pretty important and some cloth napkins would be a nice touch.

When the big day arrives set the mood with candles and background music.  A low arrangement (you need to be able to see over it when seated) of fresh flowers on the table are a nice touch.  Review the post from June 24th if you’re uncertain if your home is “date friendly.”  Allow more time than you anticipate you will need – it’s great to have a chance to tidy up the kitchen and take a breath before your date arrives.  Because you have practiced making these dishes you know how much time you will need to prepare the dinner!  When you greet your date at the door be ready to offer him/her a drink.  If you are finishing the final touches on preparing the meal let your date know she is welcome in the kitchen to visit with you over a glass of wine and have a light appetizer available to munch on – consider a trio of cheeses and fresh baguette or some crisp, raw vegetables and hummus to dip them in (both simple and require no cooking).

You are ready to serve this amazing meal!  Serve your date first and only dig in after they have had their first bite.  Don’t apologize for anything you have made.  Let your date comment on the food.  If you have followed the above steps we are sure this will be a night to remember.  Your efforts will be rewarded – get ready for romance!  Bon Appetite!

“Now it seems to me, some fine things

Have been laid upon your table

But you only want the ones that you can’t get.” Eagles

This is just one line from the famous song by the Eagles “Desperado” but it does sum up the many situations some singles that are dating find themselves in, and I think we’ve all been there. Let’s face it, no one wants to looks desperate or come across as needy or eager to date. Yet both men and women can fall into dating patterns that make them look needy or desperate despite their best efforts to remain confident and secure. Below are some definite signs that you are appearing desperate to your potential mate:

Someone who is desperate is always available. Whenever he or she calls or texts you are ready, willing, and able to get together even if it means canceling the plans you’ve already made.

The desperate dater is the one always-initiating contact. Sometimes one person initiates a little more than the other but if you feel like it is always you initiating the text, the call, etc. then chances are you are acting desperate and you will feel it in your gut.

You minimize all of the poor treatment you receive from the person you are dating. You know that you have things that you want from the person you are dating that are pretty consistent to what other people get but for some reason it’s not happening for you. For example, you never forget his birthday or his gift but he skips right over yours. You rationalize by saying something like “Well he has a lot on his plate right now and it just slipped by him, really it’s not like him so he must be pretty stressed.”

Some who looks desperate is always in agreement with what the other person says or does or wants to do. Whatever your “like interest” wants to do you’re game and you have no ideas of your own, especially if they are different. You don’t want to rock the boat so you just defer to him or her and are up for whatever they want. Caution here, the one thing we hear most people say bugs them in a relationship is being with someone who doesn’t appear to have a mind of their own and never has an opinion i.e. will say something like “I’ll do whatever you want to do, or eat wherever you want to eat…etc.”

The desperate dater feels like he or she is the one who cares more about the person he or she is dating on a constant basis. If you are questioning the level of interest on the other person’s part and feel like you are definitely more “into him or her than he or she is into you” then it’s time to take a closer look at your possibly desperate behaviors and pull back a little.

Now these are just some basics when it comes to dating when desperate but hopefully they can help you take a close look at what you want and what you are doing so that if you need to make changes you can do them quickly to better your dating experience!

Dear Michelle/Michael,
I just exchanged numbers with a girl after a little light talking about interests.  I asked “her out”if and she told me yes but that she has an X-boyfriend coming back into town and is not sure what\’s going to happen (sounds to me like she is \”hoping\” the boyfriend will take her back)
She asked me if we could exchange numbers anyway and I said sure I can understand her dilemma. I kind of work with her in a temporary assignment and we will see each-other on occasion but not everyday, so we left it at that and said that we will see each-other later.
Should I call her, wait to see if she calls me back? Or should I wait until I see her again randomly at work?

J.

Dear J,

It sounds as if she might still be “into” her ex-boyfriend based upon her statement to you about “not being sure what will happen.” Our recommendation would be to hold off on calling her right now. She’s either still got something going with him, even if it’s just an emotional connection, and even if she doesn’t she is putting up a bit of a subtle “hold-off” sign by saying that she has her ex-boyfriend coming in town. She probably knows you are interested in her so we recommend waiting until you randomly run in to her at work and then maybe ask how things went over the weekend. Let her take the bait and she will if she is interested. Just make sure that even if she does want to get together with you she is available and over her ex. because you don’t want to be involved with a girl who is still in an on again/off again relationship.  Good luck J.

Michael

The number one fear for all people (and research shows this) is the fear of rejection. So if you are shy and afraid of rejection you are not alone; but you might feel lonely. There is nothing wrong with being the strong, introverted type but the problem is that you may be so removed that you aren’t able to meet women or may miss the cues that women are into you. That’s why we are here to help you face your shyness and meet women.

One of the most important things to remember about shyness is that is all in your head. Yes it is within your control to face your fear and change your perception. If you can just get your head around the thoughts that create the “shyness” in you then approaching and dating women becomes much easier. But how do you move from fearful to confident?

When you approach a girl realize that what you are doing is really nothing new or out of the ordinary. You meet and talk to women every day, they are just women that you probably aren’t interested in dating. She may be the checker at the grocery store, the teller at the bank, a co-worker etc. and presumably you have no problem carrying on at the very least, small talk.

What’s the worst thing that could happen and how likely is to really happen? If your biggest fear is that she may laugh in your face or yell at you then the likelihood of this happening is pretty slim. Unless a woman is drunk or slightly insane she isn’t going to yell at you unless you are belligerent and crude, which you aren’t because you are just a nice shy guy.

Practice, practice, practice. When we say “practice” we mean with actual women, not alone in front of your mirror. It may be fearful for you to talk to women that appeal to you but feel the fear and do it anyway. The more you do something that you fear over and over again you will become naturally “habituated” and it will be less scary. Our bodies are designed to acclimate and become “used to” anything, it’s biologically built into us. For example, you dive into cold water and eventually it seems less cold; you live next to a railroad and eventually you don’t even notice the sound of the train, etc. This is also applicable with fear and anxiety. The more frequently you experience any anxiety provoking situation and “gut it out” so to speak the more quickly you will get used to it and it won’t be a big deal. Which means that the opposite is also true: the more you avoid something that scares you the bigger your fear becomes. So don’t avoid women, talk to them in every “appropriate” situation you can.

Remember that you will get a “no” every now and then and maybe even more often than not, but all it takes is one single “yes” to make it all worth it. A “no” is just a “no” and nothing more. There are so many factors that play into a woman saying “no” and most of them are out of your control. For example, she may be having a really bad day, she may be just getting over a breakup, etc. Every “no” you get is really just one step closer to a “yes” which again, is worth it.

If you are a shy guy then get out there and start talking more, smiling more, and meeting more people every opportunity you get!

As always, please feel free to share any tips or advice you have with our readers!

Subject: handling rejection
 
Hi, it\’s me again. I was just wondering if there is anything that a guy can do in the event when he approaches a woman and gets the \”cold shoulder\” or she tells him in some way \”not interested\”?
 
Is there any way to turn that situation into leaving with her phone number? Or if not a phone number, in the very least can he still walk away with his head held high?
 
I am asking not because it has happened to me, seriously! (at least not that I can recall (see my comment in getting a phone number tips for guys blog)) but because I know that this is a major problem for some guys and should I ever encounter this situation myself it would be good to know how to best handle the bad situation and make it a good one.
 
I don\’t approach any woman I come across that has stunning physically attractive looks, only the ones I believe are going to qualify as date/relationship worthy. (Some guys are in it for the booty, I guess they get what they deserve when they find a woman who\’s in it for the booty as well, or not when they are turned down flat to their face.)
 
I guess that the clue in there is knowing who you can approach comfortably? Some guys are content with women as attractive as they are but what if we want to approach women out of our league, how do some guys do it?
 
Is it a matter of changing ones thinking? Is there a secret to approaching the unapproachable\’s?

Thanks so much for your questions regarding this subject of rejection!  I’m sure this is an issue that many men and women struggle with.

First, we want to tell you “no one is out of your league!”  If you tell yourself that certain potential dates are “out of your league” then you run the risk of sending that message to those you encounter.  Trust me, they will read this in your body language, your tone of voice, etc.  If you truly believe you can date who you choose, not just who chooses you or who is willing to give you her number then you are going to have much more successful dating experiences.  So, yes, one step is shifting your thinking to a much more positive perspective.  Remember to recognize your strengths on a regular basis.  Be clear in your own mind what you have to offer.  If you are not clear then get some feedback from friends.

Ask yourself “am I making the best possible first impression?”  Do you feel good inside and out?  Maybe it’s time to polish up your look a little bit.  Update your haircut and/or get a new shirt.  When we feel we look our best we tend to feel more confident.  Confidence is attractive!  If you are unsure about your look, get some feedback from female friends.  Are you up on the best way to approach someone for their number?  How to start an upbeat, friendly conversation?  Check out our posts on September 19, 2009 and July 16, 2009 for some helpful tips.

Be completely honest with yourself about who you really want to date.  Looking for a relationship?  Just looking to have fun?  Looking for “booty” as our reader mentioned in this post?  This will guide you on whom to approach.  If you seek out others who are looking for the same things you are, the likelihood is you will be much more successful obtaining a phone number and subsequently making a date.  Whatever you do, don’t settle!

We strongly recommend you approach people who look approachable – smiling, enjoying themselves, engaging in conversations, etc.  If someone looks angry, upset or busy move on to someone else.  Also, try to approach someone once they are alone versus with a large group. 

Dating is a numbers game.  You are likely to hear a “no” every now and again.  It’s really okay!  This person’s “no” does not define who you are.  Rejection is uncomfortable and hearing “no” is a disappointment, but, honestly, shake it off and move on.  You can absolutely hold your head high because you are putting your best foot forward, making an honest effort and you have a lot to offer the right person.  Consider the possibility that her “no” may have nothing to do with you.  She may be fresh out of a relationship, just starting a new relationship or for other reasons not be open to meeting someone new.  If you honestly feel it has something to do with you then evaluate your approach, your look, the type of person you are approaching and get some feedback from a trusted friend.  If she says no tell her “okay, have a nice night” and consider other options of who you might better connect with. 

How have the rest of you handled rejection?  What tips and pointers do you have for your fellow readers?   Please post your comments!

Thank you so much for contacting us and posting a question.  Based on your email, it sounds like you two were off to a good start, but without a little more detail we can’t give you quite as much feedback as we’d like. For example, you said that you felt like she was attracted to you prior to the date.   Does that mean you spent some time together before the date, or perhaps you spoke on the phone frequently before April1st? Did she seem motivated to go out with you, or did it take a while to set up the date?  

Based on your description of the situation this is what we think: It’s actually hard to tell based on her cancellation of the date whether or not she is giving you the brush off.  The problem with texting is that most texts are brief and can be misleading when the blanks aren’t filled in. In addition, there is no tone with a text.  Rather than over-thinking it, our suggestion is to wait a few days and then send her a text just checking in.  Text something like “Are you feeling better?  Would you like to reschedule our date?”  And then leave it at that. If you hear back from her then great, if not then let her go.  Back off from offering to help her out with anything else like homework etc., and if she responds with a simple “I’m feeling better, thanks.” then don’t repeat the “date offer” just say “I’m glad.”  If she does say she is ready to reschedule then give her a call and set up the date via telephone.  Sticking with something low-key like lunch is a good idea.  Again, if she responds simply with “I’m feeling better.” then avoid offering up anything more.  Unless she asks you a question don’t text one to her, meaning don’t give her more than you get from her, make her work a little for this since she’s the one who cancelled. If she wants to get together with you she will take the bait of a simple, brief, one lined text. 

Please let us know what happens.

Michelle and Michelle

Has anyone else encountered a situation like this?  What experiences can you share?  Please post your comments and feedback to J!